Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New (Blogging) Year!

New Year's Eve has added significance here at Bourgeois Nerd: not only is it the last day of the year, but also the birthday of this here humble blog! Yes, four years ago (!) tonight was my first post ever.

Four years is a long time on the blogosphere; this here ramble of stuff and nonsense has, inexplicably, outlasted many a more worthy and popular blog. I guess I'm just having too much fun. Or I don't know when to quit. Or this is a lot cheaper than therapy, and less annoying for my friends. Whatever.

Anyway, I want to thank each and every reader for putting up with me for so long. A special shout-out to the commenters who've taken the time to converse, especially all my blog-friends. You'll be happy (?) to know I have no intention of stopping any time soon, and certainly not before I hit five years next New Year's Eve!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Skimpy Sunday

(Via Roids and Rants [NSFW]; Bill in Exile [NSFW]; The Sword [NSFW]; Fleshbot [NSFW])

On The Last Day Of Hannukah... A Joke From A Goyim Feygele

Why Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

1. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special."
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There's no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.


Friday, December 26, 2008

All Kittens Go To Heaven

I'm quite sad that Eartha Kitt died. She was vibrant, fabulous pop culture presence, and the world is dimmed without her purr. I also feel like a terrible person, because, due to the date of her death, all I can think is, "Somehow, I don't think this was on her list of things for Santa, baby, to bring her!" I'm so awful.

Don't Know What You've Not Got Till It's Not There

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas! I certainly did: lots of presents, family amity, and a great dinner. But I'm confident enough a soulless, materialistic ingrate to admit to being a little sad that I didn't get one of the things on my list I actually really wanted. It's a trashcan, yes, but it's an R2-D2 trashcan! I mean, come on!

To be fair, I came across it rather late, so my wonderful mother (seriously, she's the best, and I will brook no challenge to that fact) just didn't have the time. And, no, I'm not
actually upset, and loved all of my other gifts. Still, I really want one!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry X-Mas!

Here's hoping your sugardaddy comes through again this year!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Carol Craptacular

So I've now enjoyed (both ironically and genuinely) several weeks of Christmas carols at work. In that time, I've heard some terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible Christmas songs (and some pretty good ones). Below, I categorize my findings. What better way to celebrate the holiday?

Dear Santa: OMG, Make These People Stop Caterwauling and Butchering These Christmas Songs!

"Let It Snow" Jessica Simpson

Jessica, go blow that football player of yours and leave our ears in peace!

"Santa Clause Lane (North Pole Mix)"; "Sleigh Ride" Hilary Duff
I had blood coming out of my ears.

"Christmas Eve" Celine Dion

Celine is sort of awesome in her cheesy craziness, but this song is just an aural abortion.

"Family Christmas" Lizzie West

I seem to have blocked this song from my memory, which pretty much tells you all you need to know.

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" Jump 5
I don't know who this Jump 5 group is, but they need to jump away from the microphone.

"Christmas Bells" Natalie Cole

Sorry, Ms. Cole, your father was great, but you? Not so much. And your other Christmas songs (I guess you did an album) are no better.

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" Jackson 5

Sure, it's cute the first time you hear it, but the more you listen to Before-He-Was-Crazy-and-Broke-and-a-White-Woman Michael, the more annoying it is.

"This Christmas" Destiny's Child

Have yourself a melismatic Christmas with Beyonce and those two other bitches! Just take your alter ego and your cyborg hand and go home to Jay-Z, Beyonce.

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" Martina McBride

Way to ruin one of my favorite Christmas songs, whoever you are (American Idol contestant?)!

Weird Songs That Grow on You

"Another Rock and Roll Christmas" Gary Glitter

It's weird to listen to and enjoy, because he's a sex offender, but it's a catchy song.

"Christmas All Over Again" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

I actually don't like Tom Petty at all due to scarring exposure as a youth to that weird-ass Alice in Wonderland video he, but I like this song.

Weird Songs That Are Just Weird

"Mistletoe and Holly" Frank Sinatra

Any song where Frank Sinatra is sing-talking (because he doesn't really SING, you know) words like "oh my gosh, my golly" is just... wrong!

"Christmas Time" Smashing Pumpkins

Billy Corgan moaning about Christmas in a Klonopin stupor sure is my idea of holiday cheer!

Singers and Groups Whose Overall Christmas Oeuvre Is Actually Pretty Awesome


He might have gotten fat, but he could sing. A-thank you, thank you very much!

Beach Boys
Makes you want to decorate the old palm tree and fire up the yule log on the Hibachi!

Funkified, Technified, Even Discofied That Are Really Awesome, Actually

It's weird, but there seems to be a trend to take old Christmas songs and put a beat under them. It's surprisingly effective.

"What Child Is This?" Source

"White Christmas" Bing Crosby

"Winter Wonderland" Vic Damone

"White Christmas" Big Maybelle

"What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?
" (I didn't catch the singer of this one.)

"I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm" Kay Starr

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" Rosemary Clooney

"The Christmas Song (Michael Kesslef Open Fire Remix)" Mel Torme

"Winter Wonderland" Madison Park vs. Lenny B

Christmas Songs I Never Knew I Liked

"Christmas Waltz

"Christmas Means Love" Joan Osborne

Women I Love, But Who Just Not Do Christmas Songs

Cyndi Lauper

Christmas Songs That I Now Associate With Summer More Than Christmas Due to Insidious Power of Advertising

"Most Wonderful Time of the Year" Andy Williams

Staples has a lot to answer for, though, frankly, I don't care, because I don't much like it anyway.

Song That Plays at Christmastime That Just Isn't A Christmas Song

"My Favorite Things
The closest it gets to Christmas is mittens!

Christmas Songs That Just Suck
and Should Go Away

"Home for the Holidays"

Happy Life Day Eve!

Any geek worth his or her lightsaber has heard about the legendary trainwreck that is the Star Wars Holiday Special, but this article about it is still fascinating. Despite the fact that it is widely available, bootleg, online, I've never actually seen more than ten second clips of it. I'm almost afraid to see it, lest its awesome awfulness not live up to expectations.

(Via Defamer)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Holiday Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."


Monday, December 22, 2008

Have Yourself A Geeky Little Christmas

Gingerbread AT-AT. The Battle of Hoth was never so delicious! (Non-Christmas related, but still awesome: Lego Battle of Hoth.)

The Battle of Pelennor Fields as Tolkien intended: In candy. Mmmmmmm... orcs...

Dalek Christmas Tree. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like shrill cries of "Exterminate!" coming from your tree!


Thursday, December 18, 2008


Majel Barrett Roddenberry, wife of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and Star Trek legend in her own right (being the portrayer of the original Number One, Nurse Chapel, Lwaxana Troi, and the iconic computer voice of the Enterprise), has died. This is truly sad news to me. She was, by all accounts, a lovely lady and a true legend. Condolences to her son. May her katra rest in peace.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Work It!

Scientists have discovered a treasure trove of new species in Southeast Asia. My favorite is the hot pink millipede, of course. Who know arthropods could be so faaaaaaaaabulous? And I love that it may look like a sissy, but is actually, and literally, dripping with poison. (Just your typical bitchy queen.) There's also a huge-ass spider, an adorable striped rabbit, a frog with teal bones. Isn't nature grand?

(Via Towleroad)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Mother Hens

This story of gay [penguin] parents is cute enough, but the accompanying picture just cracks me up. "Come on ovah for cawfee, Maaaabel!"

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Cat Burgler

A British cat is a master thief. I think it's training to become an international diamond thief, so if the Hope Diamond suddenly comes up missing, we know where to look first.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Stunning series of photos of people and their very own crescent moons. Absolutely gorgeous, and, for someone who likes to go outside on clear nights and just look at the moon for a few minutes, strangely evocative.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Christmas Classic Cover Crap

Everyone and their mother has a Christmas album or single, many of them covers of older, classic songs. Most of these are, frankly, crap. A melismatic "Deck the Halls" or a heavy metal "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"? Yeah, not so much. They usually don't bother me, but there's one I've been hearing at work (yes, they have the Muzak Holiday channel on continuous play; it's actually not that bad) really bugs me. It's the classic (and I'm actually not being ironic here; to me, it IS a classic) Wham! holiday ode "Last Christmas" as song by Hillary Duff or one of those Disney trollops or some other talentless screecher. It's... it's awful and an offense against the Christmas spirit.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Friday, December 05, 2008

What Did YOU Do In College?

Some college students perfect the art of the keg stand. Others discover new planets.

Mad Dog!

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

(Via by Comedy Central)


...the fact that Martha Stewart has picked a Chow-Chow puppy named Genghis Khan to be her new dog isn't really shocking. In another life, I'm sure she happily thundered over the steppes, throwing elaborate dinner parties featuring citrus-flavored kumis and spiked-head-and-pine-cones centerpieces.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

A Horror From Childhood

I was watching BookTV on C-SPAN2 this weekend, as is my wont, and during a Sarah Vowell event for her new book (highly recommended, BTW; it makes the Puritans hilarious) there was a question from an adolescent in the audience. At first glance, he was a perfectly ordinary young man, until I noticed something going on with his hair. And, then, I realized what I was seeing, a terrifying blast from the hoary past of the 80s, a coiffurturial war-crime they should prosecute at The Hague: a rat tail! A fucking rat tail! Please tell me those aren't coming back, because if they are, I'm going to have to start drinking.

Just Don't Let Them Near A Henhouse *Har Har*

They look just like little foxes!

You Don't Have To Stop Voting After Election Day!

Pick your favorite book cover design of 2008!

(Via Bookninja)