Friday, December 31, 2004

Anxiety and Frustration

The two emotions that characterize me the most, I believe, are anxiety and frustration.


I worry. A lot. Worry, worry, worry, worry, worry! I worry about a lot of things, from the normal to the ridiculous. Like just about everyone, I worry about school, getting a good job, what I want to do with my life, my love life (or lack thereof), etc. But I also have very... unique anxieties, too. My biggest worry involves the apocalypse. I have a big interest in books, especially books on astronomy and cosmology (the study of the origin and future of the universe). I have amassed an extensive library on this subject. But there's a difference with my library: there's a great deal of duplication. I have at least two, and in some cases more, copies of many books. And I've taken great pains that every book be as in perfect a condition as possible. Any ding or crack or slightest marring in the binding of the book is enough to drive me to distraction. I've spent a lot of money (money I really don't have) to make this library as perfect and complete as possible. Why? Because I have this totally irrational and, unfortunately, persistent notion that my library will be all that future, post-apocalyptic generations will have to rebuild their knowledge of the universe. That's a lot of pressure. Crazy, I know, but I can't shake it.


I'm not ashamed to admit that I am very sexually frustrated. I'm a young gay man. According to stereotype, I should be swinging off the rafters every night. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Lots of us gays are as sexually unfulfilled as the next person. I'm definitely unfulfilled. I've had about seven or eight sexual encounters in my life (though none for over a year). Not one of these encounters has been in the least bit fulfilling. I have yet to orgasm with another man. As you can imagine, I'm not terribly happy about this. But I realize that I'm mostly to blame. I'm lucky enough to live only about thirty minutes from Philadelphia and a fairly large gay community. I'm afraid to drive into the city, however, and visit the clubs. I don't like highways. I'm afraid of getting in an accident or, in the city, getting lost and killed. And the Internet, where so many people seem to find so many sexual partners, has been nothing but a huge bust for me. I don't have money to subscribe to full membership in most sites and the ones I do belong to just haven't worked out. So I might as well be a monk. *sigh*

Well, I finally went ahead and did it...

At least two or three years after everyone else, I've decided to join the "blogosphere." Always on the cutting edge, I am!!! *LOL*

Why start a blog now? I'm not 100% sure. An exercise in self-therapy and digital masturbation, I suppose. I'm riddled with neuroses that could do with a semi-anonymous airing out. And, though I'm a relatively modest person, I'm enough of a modern American to crave a little bit of notoriety and recognition (I won't go so far as to say "fame"). I would like to be validated by thousands of people telling me how fabulous I am. To paraphrase Absolutely Fabulous, I'm on a neverending (though low-key) quest to find that I'm fascinating.

I don't know if anyone is truly going to read this. I'm just one of thousands upon thousands of bloggers; I don't have any sort of "hook" or anything. In writing, I will assume that others are reading, just for the sake of style and not feeling like I'm a schizophrenic talking to myself. I'm not going to tell any friends about this blog, not because I'm going to talk negatively about them (necessarily), but just because I want to be totally enveloped in the warm embrace of Internet anonymity. So, if I say something disgusting or out-of-character, no one who knows me will know.

What will I cover in this blog? Again, I don't know. Whatever comes up, I suppose. I doubt it will be a "diary" in the sense of I'll go through my schedule each day. I'm not really into that and, frankly, my daily life is quite dull. We'll just see what develops, then.

I think that's enough for now.