Thursday, January 29, 2009

Victor/Victoria Aves

An intersexed (? transsexual?) cardinal. Now I've seen everything.

Seraglio. Propinquity. Lithe. Colporteur. Chatoyant.

The 100 Most Beautiful Words in English

(Via Bookninja)

What Is Love?

What with the new year, turning 26 last October, and Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, I've been wondering: What's it like being in love? It really is an impossible question to answer in any satisfactory manner, because it's an ineffable feeling that people have been trying to put into words since time immemorial with no totally clear and universal success, but it's still been on my mind. I feel, lately, that as much as I need a good few bouts of wild sex (and do I ever), that I need a little love in my life, too. I've never been in love, you know. I'm 26 and I've never been in love. I've had plenty of crushes, but that's a totally different thing.

I'm afraid of love, though, too. I'm afraid I'd just be no good at it. I like my routine, and I'd have to, like, do stuff and talk to the lover and it might interfere with my napping schedule. I fear I'm too selfish. I'm not so much afraid of having my heart broken as breaking someone's heart. I don't want to cause anyone any pain ever. I don't want to be someone's "horrible break-up" story or that "asshole ex of mine." I don't want anyone to think ill of me, or prove I'm a bad person. (It is a bit self-regarding, though, that I think I'd be the one who'd do the heartbreaking. Even when I'm worried about hurting other people, it's really all about me! I'm such a narcissist.)

So, basically, I want love, but am terrified of it because I'm lazy, tenderhearted and over-empathetic, and don't want to be the asshole bad guy. Sounds about right for me. It's a bit of a moot point, of course, since it's hardly knocking down my door and shows no sign of doing so.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Creative Crash

I've been in a terrible creative dry spell. I haven't put pen to paper in months and months, and, as you've probably noticed, even my blog postings have become more sporadic and listless. I have ideas, I want to write, but I don't feel like writing, if that makes any sense. The spark just isn't quite there. Even if I do get the energy up to write, nothing ever turns out the way it is in my head, and I get bored and frustrated and stop. *sigh*

I had such dreams, once. You know, about writing the "Great American Novel" and all that hackneyed crap. I don't think they're going to come true, though. I'm afraid I'm always too busy wishing and dreaming things to actually get them done. My passivity is my downfall. So I'm that most cliched and pathetic of creatures: a failed writer.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Obama's Inaugural Speech

All I've heard today on the radio and read on the Internet is how "disappointing" the inaugural address was. It was, depending on who you listened to or read: it wasn't special enough; it was "just a speech"; it wasn't as "soaring" enough; it was too jumbled; it was too much like a State of the Union; it was too cliched; and, in my opinion the most fucked-up criteria, it lacked in soundbites. The expectations were incredibly high, and it is to be expected that the reality fell short for many. Personally, I think it was a damn good speech. The "These things are old. These things are true." line gives me goosebumps.

But, the truth is, I don't think we here in the moment are qualified to assess whether or not it's historical and on-par with Lincoln's Second, FDR's "Fear Itself", and JFK's "Ask Not..." speeches. Things need time to sink in, time for reflection, time for history to unfold, time for the words to be looked at and appreciated in a new, more detached light. The Gettysburg Address, for instance, was not considered the height of oratory it is today when it was performed. People of that era had totally different tastes and expectations for oratory; it was only later it was really recognized for its genius.

So Obama's speech today may someday join the pantheon of great inaugural addresses (and, you know, there really are only the three, and two of them are known almost entirely for one line in each). Or not. Who knows? But even if it doesn't go down in history as anything more than a solid, but unexceptional, speech, a footnote like most inaugural speeches, hopefully he'll have a do-over in four years and really knock'em dead.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Glorious English Language At Work

The single "greatest" sentence ever committed to print: "Your vagina is haunted!" NSFW, obviously.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Non-Sequitur Tuesday

Does anyone else eat a banana and end up hungrier than before the ate it?

Monday, January 05, 2009

Monday Mirth

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.

It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.

A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.

"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."


Thursday, January 01, 2009

*Blowout Whistle*

Happy New Year, everyone! May 2009 be kind to us all, and extra awesome for you!