Dazzle Your Friends And Family With The Power Of Your Awesome Vocabulary!

They're not "cat-ladies," they're Ailurophile-Americans!

The vaticinations of pundits seem to always be wrong.

Keep your ugly, froward child away from me!

A snake is almost by definition a flexuous creature.

She's a crackerjack Harry Potter fan.

I'm an exponent of cocooning .

Farm Fugitives

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

Calling All Coders!

The old blog template's a bit long in the tooth and ragged around the edges, so I'm looking to redecorate a bit. Any kind reader know enough CSS/HTML to redo the template for me? There's no money involved (I is po!), but you'll have my undying gratitude. (And, if you're hot, I'll totally do you!) Leave a comment or email if you're kind-hearted and computer-savvy.

Dante's Nine-Circle Program

The Divine Comedy as self-help program. I can never get past the first circle, myself; I just like hanging out with virtuous pagans too much.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Forget The Sickle, The Grim Reaper Comes Armed With Furballs And String

This kitty can foretell your death. But is he providing much-needed companionship at the end of a life, or is he a serial killer?

(Via Towleroad; Books, Inq.)

Skimpy Sundays

(Via The Pretty Boys Club; Roids and Rants [NSFW])

Book Culling

Culling one's books is the worst feeling. For me, at least, it's like sawing off your own arm. Without anesthesia. With an old handsaw. In other words: OUCH!

(Via Maud Newton)

Surrealists 'n' Lightbulbs

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Banana.

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

One Must Know The Bad To Know The Good

How do you learn to write well? Read really crappy gay porn.

(Via Gawker)

Well, Planets ARE "Rock Stars" Of A Sort

Jupiter, Neptune, and, now, Mars have groupies. The poor roadies; not easy working in vacuum.

The Great Emancipator

Little-known fact: Lincoln didn't just free the black slaves, he also freed the BDSM slaves!

Prometheus Bound

A comic strip of "Titanic" proportions!

(Via rogueclassicism)

Pictures

The Ten Most Beautiful Indian Roads

Silly Animals

(Via Clipmarks)

Aquatic Archaeologists

Octopi uncover ancient pottery. One can only hope they used proper grids and surveying techniques! Preserving the contexts is key in archaeology.

(Via Pharyngula)

It's The End Of The World As We Know It, And I DON'T Feel Fine!

Seriously, if this ever actually happened, I would go sit on my bed, stare at a wall, and just catatonically rock back and forth for a few days.

(Via Towleroad)

The History Of The Internet...

...as told by just the kind of guy you'd picture telling you about the history of the Internet.

(Via Towleroad)

The Depths Of Laziness

Because hitting a few buttons is just too much exertion: gesture-based remote control.

(Via Clipmarks)

Men Who Will Never Be Part Of Skimpy Sundays

100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

(Via Pharyngula)

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Jessica, Roids and Rants (both NSFW!), Towleroad)

Sexy Timepiece

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

I Always Thought Of All The Star Wars Characters, I Was Most Like C-3P0 (But More Because Of The Flaming Queeniness)

Your Score: Robot

You are 71% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 28% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.

You are the Robot! You are characterized by your rationality. In fact, this is really ALL you are characterized by. Like a cold, heartless machine, you are so logical and unemotional that you scarcely seem human. For instance, you are very humble and don't bother thinking of your own interests, you are very gentle and lack emotion, and you are also very introverted and introspective. You may have noticed that these traits are just as applicable to your laptop as they are to a human being. You are not like the robots they show in the movies. Movie robots are make-believe, because they always get all personable and likeable after being struck by lightning, or they are cold, cruel killing machines. In all reality, though, you are much more boring than all that. Real robots just sit there, doing their stupid jobs, and doing little else. If you get struck by lightning, you won't develop a winning personality and heart of gold. (Robots don't have hearts, silly, and if they did, they would probably be made of steel, not gold.) You also won't be likely to terrorize humanity by becoming an ultra-violent killing machine sent into the past to kill the mother of a child who will lead a rebellion against machines, because that movie was dumb as hell, and because real robots don't kill--they horribly maim at best, and they don't even do that on purpose. Real robots are boringly kind and all too rarely try to kill people. In all my years, my laptop has only attacked me once, and that was only because my brother threw it at me. In short, your personality defect is that you don't really HAVE a personality. You are one of those annoying, super-logical people that never gets upset or flustered. Unless, of course, you short circuit. Or if someone throws a pie at you. Pies sure are delicious.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Class Clown.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Emo Kid, and the Haughty Intellectual.

*

*

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!

About Saint_Gasoline

I am a self-proclaimed pseudo-intellectual who loves dashes. I enjoy science, philosophy, and fart jokes and water balloons, not necessarily in that order. I spend 95% of my time online, and the other 5% of my time in the bathroom, longing to get back on the computer. If, God forbid, you somehow find me amusing instead of crass and annoying, be sure to check out my blog and my webcomic at SaintGasoline.com.

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

(Via Pharyngula)

The Rich Are Different

They get other people to build their "personal" book collections. The very thought sends a shock of pain through my bibliophile's heart. The things I could do with all those "beautiful bookshelves" that will now be filled willy-nilly for mere decoration! And I could certainly do it all by myself! *sigh* Ah, to have but money enough, and time...

(Via Maud Newton)

I'm Now Yet Another Cog In The Vast, Soulless Machine That Is Advertising/Marketing/PR

What's really wild is that I occasionally get email from people who want me to help them market their products/services/websites via this little blog here. The fact that anyone thinks I actually have enough of an audience to make it worth contacting me blows my little mind; someone thinks I'm (sort of) important!

Anyway, I was contacted a few days ago by a man with the fabulous name of Raz Godelink about this really cool-looking new green business called Eco-Libris. (Lords of the Internet only know how he found this blog and why he bothered to email me, but I'm just tickled pink.) I've put a slightly-modified version of the email I got from him below, so you can get some info and check it out. It really sounds neat.

Dear Frank,

My name is Raz Godelnik and I thought you might be interested to learn about Eco-Libris, a new green biz I co-founded that lets book readers balance out the paper used for their books, and of a special celebration and free offer we're having for the release of the new Harry Potter.

Eco-Libris helps book lovers go green and plant a tree for every book they read. About 20 million trees are being cut down every year to produce paper for books sold in the U.S. alone. By partnering with non-profit organizations in developing countries, Eco-Libris can now invite readers to do something about it in its new website.

The process itself is fairly simple - upon entering the website, customers decide how many books they would like to balance out. They then pay online and a tree is planted for each of these books. Customers also receive a sticker from Eco-Libris, made of recycled paper, for every book they balance out, saying "One Tree was Planted for this Book," which they can later display on their books' sleeves.

Now we celebrate with J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter’s fans the release of the new Potter book (though we’re sad it’s the last one). As you may know, the new Harry Potter books are being published on partially or fully recycled paper worldwide. So for us, Harry Potter is not only a great story; it also sets an example for the future of the book publishing industry, and a vision which we share. To show our appreciation to the courageous author and to the young magician we’ll be celebrating by letting Harry Potter fans plant new trees and win a free copy, made of 100% recycled paper, of the new book.

To participate in "Eco-Libris and The Green Wizards" promotions, Harry Potter's fans need to send a picture of themselves posing with any of the books in the series. The first 50 people to do so will receive a special gift - seven trees planted for them in developing countries, to balance out seven of their books in honor of the seven books in the Potter series. They will also receive seven Eco-Libris stickers saying “One Tree was Planted for This Book” to be proudly displayed on their books sleeves.

Our judges will pick the best photo of all and we'll send a free copy of the new Harry Potter, printed on 100% recycled paper, to the gifted photographer.

So please check out our website and our special Harry Potter celebration page and let me know what you think. We try to spread the word about us to all the book lovers, greenies and everyone in between. If you could feature us at your site that really would be great! I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have and of course we are open to link exchanges. Thanks!

For more information on Eco-Libris, you are welcome to check our news release.

Thank you again for your time.

Best regards,

Raz Godelnik

Eco-Libris

Songs Of Many Worlds

About a year ago, I recommended the book Many Worlds in One by physicist Alexander Vilenkin (full disclosure: I'm named in the acknowledgments of the book because some correspondence I had with Dr. Vilenkin several years ago was useful to him in one section of the book). Now, the paperback edition is out and so is the soundtrack.

(Via Bookslut)

I'm Not Alone...

...in liking the smell of books in the morning (or afternoon... or evening...).

The Fantastic Voyage Of Mr. Lee

Do you have a cat you let roam outside? Ever wonder just what the hell he or she gets up to out there in the big world? Well, wonder no more! Apparently, it involves a lot of meeting other cats under cars and watching birdfeeders.

March Of The Librarians

The thought of most of these people "possibly mating" isn't exactly boner-inducing, but it is kinda funny.

(Via Bookninja)

Start Running For Canada!

These are the future leaders of America. They make me a very, very sad panda. They also make me mad that they're the face of my generation. We're not all entitled assholes! Honest!

Hey, Toby, FHC, could you get some of your DC gays together and kick these fellows asses, please?

(Via Maud Newton)

Happy Belated Blogiversary!

Blogging turns ten. She's getting to be such a big girl!

(Via Maud Newton)

Desparately Seeking... Er, Snake? (I Can't Think Of Another Penis Euphemism Starting With 'S')

Is a penis that's not only "'a warm, life-sized attachment that serves a number of utilitarian purposes,'" but also full of "'wry personality and quirks,'" too much to ask for?

So, any quirky penises out there looking for a solid, retiring (but full of get-up-and-go when needs be), slightly inexperienced (but eager to learn), sometimes painfully stiff-necked (but generally affable and eager-to-please) penis? Fats welcome, but no fems.

(No offense to the lady-dick or the clitoris, but the latter comes with... other things far too yeasty for my tastes, and the former would belong to a tranny, and I'd probably be eaten alive by my fierce transgendered sistren.)

I'm A Trebuchet Looking For A Comic Sans

Font choice as psychological barometer.

(Via Maud Newton)

Skimpy Sundays: Becks Edition

(Via Towleroad)

I Don't Remember Learning Half Of That In 8th Grade, But Whatever

(Via Perge Modo)

The TV Of Summer

As July flies by, attended by its handmaidens Heat and Humidity, my mind wanders back to summer vacations of yore. When I was a young lad in elementary school, during the summers I would get up early, when no one else was around. My parents were at work and my older sister didn't get up until a few hours later (which is ironic and a complete reversal from nowadays, when she's always up early and I don't get up until the afternoon).

Anyway, I would come downstairs in my pjs and watch TV, specifically old reruns. I watched Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, then some Gilligan's Island, followed by such more then-current fare such as It's a Living and this show with Jim J. Bullock and the guy from The Mary Tyler Moore Show living in a San Francisco house, where there was a room with a big-ass rainbow painted on the wall (feel the subtext!).

A few years later, my night owl tendencies manifested themselves. Thus, I spent many nights watching Nick at Night (back when it was good and not running reruns of Roseanne). My regular shows included: Get Smart, Dragnet, The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Lucy Show, and MST3K. Those were good times.

No More Snip-Snip For Fido

Surgical castration of domestic animals, including dogs, may soon become obsolete.

Online Dating

Why is that on online dating/hook-up sites, I seem to get more messages from guys who live hundreds of miles away than those anywhere near me? What kind of sense does that make? It makes me so mad, because I get a nice message from a guy who looks pretty good, and then it turns out he's in like Virginia or something, and what am I supposed to do with THAT? I'm horny, but I'm not making a roadtrip just to get laid.

Also, what's up with all the profiles without pictures? Vince is so right: if you're going to post a profile on a dating/hook-up site, YOU NEED AN ACCURATE PICTURE! I don’t have a camera and have no idea how to actually get any pics I might be able to take with my phone OUT of said phone, but even I have some (totally G-rated that I don’t like anymore and need to change) pics to send/post! If I can do it, people, you can do it! Even if you’re ugly or whatever, it’s always better to be upfront about everything; there’s someone for everyone, but if you lie or whatever, all you’ll get is someone pissed off instead of someone who’s actually into you.

Continuing With Today's CosmicTheme

Ordinary citizens can help fight the axis of evil! Well, the cosmic "axis of evil," anyway. It's much safer than fighting the Bush axis of evil, though.

The Universe Always Hates It When Its Mom Shows Company The Pictures Of It Naked On The Bearskin Rug

Cosmic baby pictures.

Working...

I've been tagged by Hubbard in the Eight Things Meme that's been making the rounds of the old blogosphere of late. Since I'm such an indiscreet blog whore open book, coming up with eight random things you all don't already know about me is a bit of a challenge, so it's taking a while for me to get it done. And since I didn't find anything interesting on the Net last night, this is all the content I have for today. Leave a comment if you have any suggestions for random facts about me you want to know.

Srsly...

...if this doesn't get you squeeing, your blood is made of icewater.

"Romance" Isn't Exactly The Term That Comes To Mind

"Remember kids, implied incest is WRONG!" Quite right!

(Via Bookslut)

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Jessica [NSFW])

Even Among Robots, I'm A Geek!

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

(Via Bill in Exile)

Anglo-German Aristocrats Are Different

I wish I could be a "louche" aristocrat who leads "an exotic life of gilded aimlessness"! You know, without the whole "dead at 44" thing.

(Via Gawker)

A Fleet Of Star Destroyers Not Required

Ever fancied trying your hand at interstellar dominion? Well, have at it!

(Via New Scientist Space Blog)

Weeeeeeeeee!

Because I'm, like, a five-year-old, I kinda giggled all through this article about WEEE. If they had somehow tortured an acronym to make it "PEEE," I think I'd just about die.

Happy Birthday, America!

I'm Am My Own Child's Sister, But I Don't Live In Kentucky

On the surface, this story about a mother who's put some of her eggs into storage so her daughter can use them later in life, is rather shocking and squicky. But once you read it and think about it 1) it's built upon so many future ifs that getting up in arms about it now hardly seems worthwhile, and 2) everyone involved in this seems eminently sane and thoughtful about the whole thing. This isn't some whackadoo family and a crank doctor, it's a mother wanting to give her daughter the chance to have a child someday if she wants it.

Happy Homemaking Hints

The many wonders and uses of hydrodgen WOW!oxide.

Yeah, Global Climate Change May Yet Kill Us All...

...but at least it'll give us pretty clouds to look at as we descend into post-apocalyptic barbarism!

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Aussielicious; Hot Flash)