Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Shhhhh! It's A Secret!
Secret passageway stairs: they're not just for Scooby and Shaggy to fall down in haunted mansions anymore!
What Is The Sound Of One Hand Clapping? Is It Funny?
Buddhist Dog
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
Someone Get The Lad A Tinny Guinness!
A new Irish mammal discovered! Thousands of years of human habitation, and there are still undiscovered animals! Isn't it amazing? Even more amazing are the eyes on that shrew: they're barely pinpricks!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Seriously, I'm A Total Heathen, I Just Guessed Half Of These
You know the Bible 85%!
Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!
Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!
(Via Bill in Exile [NSFW])
Monday, April 28, 2008
Nerd Notions
It's never too early to start that Christmas list, or to start thinking of what to get the geek in your life!
R2-D2 speakers. Really, though, there should be C-3P0 speakers, too. I mean, who's a bigger chatterbox than Threepio? Plus, I want speakers who insult each other!
Practical office supplies for the modern office.
What we all need: a $1600 keyboard.
R2-D2 speakers. Really, though, there should be C-3P0 speakers, too. I mean, who's a bigger chatterbox than Threepio? Plus, I want speakers who insult each other!
Practical office supplies for the modern office.
What we all need: a $1600 keyboard.
Things That Make You Go, "Eh?"
I totally get having a jockstrap fetish, since I have a bit of one, too. A nice, skimpy swimsuit on a hot guy (not five hundred pound Quebecois with back hair) is self-explanatorily sexy. But a swimsuit jockstrap [NSFW]? Really? Where would one wear it? Why would one wear it? To go to a nude beach, but without going full monty? Crazy.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
TWoP General Hospital Forum FAQ (Spring 2008)
Couples
Scrubs: Patrick and Robin.
Liaison/Jiz: Jason and Liz. Liaison is often used by those either fans of, or indifferent to, the couple, while Jiz is most often used by those who don't like the pairing.
Soily: Sonny and Emily. We like to forget that coupling ever happened (skeevy!), but it comes up from time to time.
LnL2: Liz and Lucky.
Sason: Sonny and Jason. The love that dare not speak its name.
JaSam: Jason and Sam.
LuSam: Lucky and Sam.
Acronyms
PFMs: Poo-Flinging Monkeys. The bunch of incompetent hacks who "write" this awful, awful show.
BSC!: Bat-Shit Crazy! Used often as a prefix, as in "BSC!Sam."
xxx!xxx: The exlamation point is often used as an intensifier when talking about the most prominent trait of a character or storyline, since subtlety isn't GH's strong suit. Thus, crazy Sam is now BSC!Sam, a drugged out Lucky is Pills!Lucky, an ectoplasmic Alan is Ghost!Alan, etc.
SWMNBN: She Who Must Not Be Named. The not-at-all-dearly-missed Courtney. Also known as CopKilla, Whoretney, and a host of other nicknames bestowed on her with love. The kind of love that's really the putrid bile of hate.
TIIC: The Idiots In Charge. Again, the "writers" who inflict all of this pain and torment upon us.
TFGH: Typical Fucking General Hospital, or Totally Fucking General Hospital, or That Fucking General Hospital, or... you get the picture.
SORAS: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. The Soapworld pandemic whose major symptom is a strange localized distortion in the timestream that allows soap children to go away to camp or boarding school or even just their bedroom one age, and come back ten years older, usually either a hot teen stud or a gorgeous vixen.
NULOCH: No Upper Limit On Carly Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that shrieking shrew!
NULOLH: No Upper Limit on Lulu Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that obstinate little twit!
ABCD: ABC Daytime, the division of the network charged with overseeing the network's soap operas. Not doing a terribly fine job of it, considering the low-quality of said soaps in recent years.
BB: Brandon Barash (Johnny)
SBr: Sarah Brown (Claudia/Carly v. 1.0)
GV: Greg Vaughan (Lucky)
JB: Julie Berman (Lulu)
KMo: Kelly Monaco (Sam)
KMc: Kimberly McCollough (Robin)
JT: Jason Thompson (Patrick)
TG: Tony Geary (Luke)
BH: Becky Herbst (Liz)
RH: Rick Hearst (Ric)
NLG: Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis)
TC: Tyler Christopher (Nikolas)
RC: Robin Christopher (Skye)
SBu: Steve Burton (Jason)
MB: Maurice Bernard (Sonny)
LW: Laura Wright (Carly)
NL: Natasha Livingston (Emily)
GF: Genie Francis (Laura)
JZ: Jackie Zeman (Bobbie)
JD: Josh Duhon (Logan)
KS: Kirsten Storms (Maxie)
SR: Sebastien Roche (Jerry Jacks)
BA: Bradford Armstrong (Spinelli)
MW: Megan Ward (Kate)
JE: Jane Elliott (Tracy)
IR: Ingo Rademacher (Jax)
Nicknames
Larry: What some call Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan, who, as a result of writing (and perhaps acting choices) comes off as rather dim (if so, sooooooooooo hot). Refusing to acknowledge that the son of Luke and Laura can be so dumb (yet so hot), they hypothesize that Helena and Faison never let the real Lucky go, instead sending out this simulacrum.
Borg/St. Jasus/Blinky: The stoic, blinking hitman with a heart of gold, friend of babies and old people everywhere, so good he can shoot "only people who deserve it" at twenty yards while shackled and handcuffed, the Christ-like (in Guza's twisted psyche) Jason Morgan.
The Shiny: Becky Herbst/Liz's hair is so pretty and shiny that, on bad days when we can't stand whatever stupid-ass storyline she's in, many of us just zone out and let The Shiny, Pretty Hair soothe us into docility. Unfortunately, MIA for far too long, taken prisoner by The Taupe (see below).
The Taupe: The hideous scourge that has overtaken nearly every brunette woman on the show, turning rich, dark, gorgeous hair into a monstrous, fried, sob-inducing mass of way-too-light highlights the shade of some insipid McMansion sample house. Whoever runs the hair department is apparently on crack, so thinks this (and bangs for everyone!) are totally awesome. Either that, or they got a deal on a whole warehouse of the stuff.
MyKill: "Sweet," hormone-deficient Michael, who killed AJ until the PFMs figured out having a kid kill his parent wasn't such a great storyline. Even after it was retconned that someone else actually killed AJ (or "killed," if you're one of those who go "lalalalalalala" when the subject comes up and insists he's really alive and well with Stefan on an island somewhere), Dylan Cash's portrayal of the kid remains really creepy, and we're all sure he's a budding sociopath. How such a thing could happen when he has such wonderful role models, such as his mob kingpin father, holy hitman Uncle Jason, and screeching harpy of a mother, I HAVE NO IDEA, but there it is. Thankfully, he's now in a coma, and will hopefully wake up in a year or two older, hunkier, and less serial-killer-like.
SonnyBucks: Sonny's coffee business, where everyone goes for lattes and "secret" meetings in Sonny's office in the back.
Moobster: Sonny. Unfortunately, we are occasionally "blessed" with love scenes in which Sonny takes off his shirt and shows us his stunning pair of man-boobs.
The Baby Whisperer/The Woman Whisperer (TM Schmanglang): Jason. St. Jasus just has a way with the babies and womenfolk. He understands them and makes them feel safe and comfortable and, of course, in love with him. It's natural really; women and babies are inferior by nature and thus respond to commanding virility. It's science.
ShrewLu: Lulu, who has morphed into a grating bitch who snots and snits at everyone due to the PFMs not knowing what to do with a popular younger character other than to turn her into what, in their minds, is the perfect female character: Carly. *shudder*
Luly: Lulu again. Amalgamation of her name and Carly's, because they're basically one big shrieking harpy monster nowadays.
Tumily: The hallucinatory Emily caused by Nik's tumor. Strangely elated for a dead woman, as well as possessing just about the only head of hair on this show that's not been attacked by The Taupe. Just as annoying and boring as the real, dead Emily. Thoughts of what Nik is actually doing when he kisses and cuddles and makes love to this imaginary woman are enough to send one either into titters or spasms of disgust.
In-Jokes, Jargon, and Peculiar Expressions
The Coast of Bolivia: The quintessential proof of the writers' incompetence and lack of intelligence. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that some brilliant writers gave Bolivia a coastline off of which Alcazar's yacht was moored. Only problem is that Bolivia is a landlocked, mountainous country. Yes, it did, once, have a coastline that it lost to Chile in the War of the Pacific, but that was 1883, so there is not even partial credit: it was just a colossal fuck-up.
The Gummi Bear Mafia: Since Sonny and Jason head the "good" mafia that doesn't deal in drugs and prostitution, and only kills people who "deserve it," the only activities we can come up with that keeps Jason in leather jackets and penthouses is smuggling in contraband gummi bears from Canada or something. That and gay porn. Because who doesn't like gummi bears and gay porn?
The Closet: Where interesting, well-loved characters (often veterans, but not always) with tons of story potential are locked in between the two minutes of screentime they are given every six months so as not to wander onto the set and take away precious minutes of Carly and Jason with such detestable things as "talent" and "history." Possibly has it's own ghetto where the token minorities, like Lainey, are kept most of the time.
Awesome Writer (TM Serial Drama): The one GH writer who actually seems to care about such silly things as plot, characterization, pacing, and continuity. He or she, sadly, is only let out of The Closet every few weeks. Sometimes also known as One Good Writer (OGW).
The Barge: A cruise ship refuge for all of those who've grown sick and tired of this awful, awful show. A glamorous setting where all the men are shirtless, Laura isn't a wig on a stick, and the Mob is a thing to abhor, not celebrate. If you need a vacation, hop a launch and come aboard!
Flying Barware/Glassware: When people get angry on this show, glasses start flying.
Jazz Hands: One of Sonny's oh-so-charming ticks is a hand motion we like to refer to as "jazz hands."
Purple Leotard: There's really no explanation needed, is there?
Bullet of Love/Shot to the Head: True love. Sonny shot Carly in the head as she gave birth to his child, but this was, somehow, a sign of their codepend... I mean, love, not a signal that their relationship might not be all that healthy, or that a life in the mob might not be all that safe and secure an environment.
PodPeople: "Pod people are when TIIC (The Idiots In Charge) bring back fabulous, well-loved characters from the past and render them unrecognizable. For example, Holly Sutton Scorpio turned up during the Monkey Virus storyline holding the antidote for ransom while dozens of people, among them her former stepdaughter, lay dying. Then she, Luke and Robert went off and had hijinks in the jungle, where, among other things, she played Luke against Robert and made a pass at Dillon." (Hatpin 5502)
Reindeer Sweater: Back when Jason was Jason Quartermaine, Goody Two-Shoes Med Student, and not St. Jasus of the Borg, he was apt to wear some... interestingly dorky clothing. The reindeer sweater is the most infamous of these sartorial choices.
Teh Evul!/Teh Hotness!/Teh XYZ: "It's a play on all the crazy fans (on other boards, obviously) who can't type properly. Sometimes !!11!! is tacked on at the end. We also use OMG TEH EVUL when someone is particularly bad (or we're supposed to see him/her as such)" (dubbel zout 5504).
Retcon: Retroactive Continuity. When a show goes back and rewrites history to accommodate present-day storylines. An example of this working would be Nikolas being Laura's son by Stavros Cassadine; an example of this not working (and being a complete mess) would be Sam's ever-evolving backstory, from salvage operator to secret lovechild of Alexis Davis to con artist.
Jason's Box of "Secret" Pain: Where Jason keeps all of his painful memories and emotions. Physically, it's a glossy black box filled with pictures of Michael as a baby (when he was cute and before he became a serial-killer-in-training), Robin, and, now Jake kept on the top shelf of Jason's hall closet, next to the gun lockbox that is never actually locked. Metaphorically, it's all of Jason's blinky angst. The "secret" part comes from the fact that, while ostensibly locked away behind Jason's stoic demeanor, actually just about everyone knows about it.
The Glittery Hoo-Ha: Carly's magical vagina, that ensnares every man that comes in contact with her, making them believe that a selfish, shrieking harpy is actually the perfect woman. Lulu has, of late, developed a Junior Glittery Hoo-Ha that is irresistible to any younger man in PC, despite the fact that she, too, has become a selfish, shrieking harpy. Because these writers are so twisted, that's what they think makes a strong heroine: a bitch that all the men want to bone, despite the fact that her personality should repel any sane person in the vicinity.
Clitter: The magical, pheromone-saturated glitter that sloshes forth from Carly and Lulu's Hoo-Has to inexplicably entrance any male in the vicinity. Possibly made by Glittery Hoo-Ha flies (Glitterius hoohaes) who have colonized Carly and Lulu, whose blinking hypnotizes men into thinking their horrific hosts are actually wonderful.
"braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart": How the PFMs want us to see Carly, as an admirably brave and strong woman fiercely loyal to her friends and family, and not just a selfish, crazy-ass shrew with a voice modulation disorder. Originally taken from a eulogy delivered several years ago when Carly "died" (unfortunately, it didn't stick).
Word!/Wordy McWordersons!: Expressions of profound agreement with another poster's comments.
Hee! and Bwah!: Expressions of amusement at another poster's comment or something on the show.
The Goat Pictures: The hypothetical photographic evidence of ABCD president Frons' affair with a goat that Guza (head writer) and Jill Farrell Phelps (executive producer) use as blackmail to keep their jobs on this show, despite their complete lack of talent, blatant misogyny, lack of any sort of common decency, skewed morality, disdain for the genre and its fans, and complete ineptitude.
Pirates in Em's Pants: When Emily and Nik were searching for an old Quartermaine treasure, there was a concurrent flashback storyline between a Quartermaine ancestress (who somehow looked just like Emily WHO IS ADOPTED) and a Cassadine pirate who looked just like Nik. You know, the usual suckiness.
Crazy Bitch (TM TheLabRat): That mysterious language formed of tortured language and "Whaaaaaaaaa?" logic in which the bat-shit crazy think and communicate.
The House of Rage and Folding Laundry: The Spencer household before Liz and Lucky's divorce. There was lots of rage flying and laundry being folded (an act Liz used to try to avoid unpleasant confrontations) before those two finally called it quits.
Hot But: Sam's hot tub of "but" sex. Originally a typo for "hot tub" (poor portiapm is still blushing!), it has since been embraced by the board as a term for Sam and her skanky pool of sex. Because we're all twelve years-old.
Chucklesville: The imaginary alternate universe where Closet characters, identical twins of the sadly deceased, and dearly missed favorites are off doing their own, actually good, soap. Inhabitants include Hooper Barrett, the twin of Coop; Lucy, Kevin, and Sigmund; AJ; Lucas; and Real!Holly.
The Army of Hotness: My crazy-ass idea that Coop is actually the genetic wellspring of a whole army of super-soldiers secretly created by the government. They're tough, good under pressure, and insanely hot. It's a complete and utter delusion, but it's damn nice to picture.
The Rock: No, not the strapping, eyebrow-raising wrestler/movie star, but the lucky styrofoam rock that got to do the one thing we all wish we could do: knock Carly out and shut her the hell up!
Monthday (TM carolyng): The unit of time that allows Halloween and Thanksgiving to be both one day and one month apart from each other in that nexus of spacetime dysfunction we call Port Charles. We think it has something to do with the wormholes that apparently riddle Upper New York State, allowing not only PC's residents to get from one end of town to the other in five seconds flat, but also connecting PC to Montreal, the Hudson Valley, Manhattan, the Caribbean, Paris, Turkey, and the coast of Bolivia via a leisurely five minute plane ride or car trip, as well as existing in divergent yet simultaneous timelines irrespective of sense, logic, or the laws of physics. Apparently, the writers of this awful, awful show have minds that work in non-Euclidean geometries straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares. Ia Cthulhu F'htagn!
OMG, This Awful, Awful Show!: A common cry of pain heard when the insane wretchedness of this show gets to us and our brains just shut down. Also abbreviated as TAAS.
Stanvils (TM Split Ends): The blindingly obvious signs and portents that telegraph important events, especially character deaths, before they actually happen. These tend to be things like sudden mentions of characters we haven't seen in a while (when they're about to come back and/or die) or having everyone in town say, "I'll kill you!" to some villain so that when said villain dies everyone's a suspect. Named in honor of Stan, the be-Hawaii-shirted, oft-recast, and thoroughly unimportant Token Black Man filling part of this show's minimal minority quota; also, beloved son of Epiphany, computer genius, and communist agitator for the mob. May he rest in peace. At least until they somehow resurrect him for some other asinine story.
The Most Romantic Storyline EVER (or EVAH!): According to Bob Guza, the greatest love story of our, or possibly any, time is the tale of a Russian Prince and his tumor-induced hallucinations of his dead fiancee. Because noting says "romantic" like pseudo-necrophilia with an imaginary ghost so happy to be dead she's grinning like a loon most of the time! It's the stuff of fairy tales, you know.
Snarkoleptic/Snarkolepsy (TM elizabethamsith): The state of utter exhaustion with this awful, awful show in which, as Schmangalang puts it, "It's not even fun to make fun of it anymore!" it's so boringly and consistently horrific. So you end up either a nap or only half-paying attention while watching it, and yet you still go on the board to rip it.
Bear Trap: Usually blacked out in spoiler bars for extra fun, it refers to an old report that Jason's hands would be injured when he got them caught in a bear trap. Sadly, this turned out to be untrue, but it's still funny.
Wig on a Stick: Genie Francis played Laura Spencer as a vital, active woman, devoted to friends and family. But she got old and a little heavy and wanted the same sorts of perks and considerations as her male costars, and we can't have that can we, so they got rid of her and made Laura a catatonic vegetable portrayed by a bad blond wig on a stick.
Robin's Blog: A forbidding corner of the ABC Daytime website where all sorts of information we should be seeing on the screen is off-handedly given to us via blog post. While this is exasperating, what's really scary is the comments, where some people don't quite seem to understand the line between fantasy and reality.
This list is neither exhaustive nor comprehensive, but it should give you some idea just what the hell we're babbling on about. New terms crop up all the time, so this list should be updated occasionally. But if you see a term or acronym you don't understand, don't feel bad, just ask! We're really a very friendly bunch. We won't bite. (We may accidentally take a chunk of flesh while wailing and gnashing our teeth at the stupidity and horridity of this awful, awful show, but we'd never bite intentionally!)
Scrubs: Patrick and Robin.
Liaison/Jiz: Jason and Liz. Liaison is often used by those either fans of, or indifferent to, the couple, while Jiz is most often used by those who don't like the pairing.
Soily: Sonny and Emily. We like to forget that coupling ever happened (skeevy!), but it comes up from time to time.
LnL2: Liz and Lucky.
Sason: Sonny and Jason. The love that dare not speak its name.
JaSam: Jason and Sam.
LuSam: Lucky and Sam.
Acronyms
PFMs: Poo-Flinging Monkeys. The bunch of incompetent hacks who "write" this awful, awful show.
BSC!: Bat-Shit Crazy! Used often as a prefix, as in "BSC!Sam."
xxx!xxx: The exlamation point is often used as an intensifier when talking about the most prominent trait of a character or storyline, since subtlety isn't GH's strong suit. Thus, crazy Sam is now BSC!Sam, a drugged out Lucky is Pills!Lucky, an ectoplasmic Alan is Ghost!Alan, etc.
SWMNBN: She Who Must Not Be Named. The not-at-all-dearly-missed Courtney. Also known as CopKilla, Whoretney, and a host of other nicknames bestowed on her with love. The kind of love that's really the putrid bile of hate.
TIIC: The Idiots In Charge. Again, the "writers" who inflict all of this pain and torment upon us.
TFGH: Typical Fucking General Hospital, or Totally Fucking General Hospital, or That Fucking General Hospital, or... you get the picture.
SORAS: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. The Soapworld pandemic whose major symptom is a strange localized distortion in the timestream that allows soap children to go away to camp or boarding school or even just their bedroom one age, and come back ten years older, usually either a hot teen stud or a gorgeous vixen.
NULOCH: No Upper Limit On Carly Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that shrieking shrew!
NULOLH: No Upper Limit on Lulu Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that obstinate little twit!
ABCD: ABC Daytime, the division of the network charged with overseeing the network's soap operas. Not doing a terribly fine job of it, considering the low-quality of said soaps in recent years.
BB: Brandon Barash (Johnny)
SBr: Sarah Brown (Claudia/Carly v. 1.0)
GV: Greg Vaughan (Lucky)
JB: Julie Berman (Lulu)
KMo: Kelly Monaco (Sam)
KMc: Kimberly McCollough (Robin)
JT: Jason Thompson (Patrick)
TG: Tony Geary (Luke)
BH: Becky Herbst (Liz)
RH: Rick Hearst (Ric)
NLG: Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis)
TC: Tyler Christopher (Nikolas)
RC: Robin Christopher (Skye)
SBu: Steve Burton (Jason)
MB: Maurice Bernard (Sonny)
LW: Laura Wright (Carly)
NL: Natasha Livingston (Emily)
GF: Genie Francis (Laura)
JZ: Jackie Zeman (Bobbie)
JD: Josh Duhon (Logan)
KS: Kirsten Storms (Maxie)
SR: Sebastien Roche (Jerry Jacks)
BA: Bradford Armstrong (Spinelli)
MW: Megan Ward (Kate)
JE: Jane Elliott (Tracy)
IR: Ingo Rademacher (Jax)
Nicknames
Larry: What some call Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan, who, as a result of writing (and perhaps acting choices) comes off as rather dim (if so, sooooooooooo hot). Refusing to acknowledge that the son of Luke and Laura can be so dumb (yet so hot), they hypothesize that Helena and Faison never let the real Lucky go, instead sending out this simulacrum.
Borg/St. Jasus/Blinky: The stoic, blinking hitman with a heart of gold, friend of babies and old people everywhere, so good he can shoot "only people who deserve it" at twenty yards while shackled and handcuffed, the Christ-like (in Guza's twisted psyche) Jason Morgan.
The Shiny: Becky Herbst/Liz's hair is so pretty and shiny that, on bad days when we can't stand whatever stupid-ass storyline she's in, many of us just zone out and let The Shiny, Pretty Hair soothe us into docility. Unfortunately, MIA for far too long, taken prisoner by The Taupe (see below).
The Taupe: The hideous scourge that has overtaken nearly every brunette woman on the show, turning rich, dark, gorgeous hair into a monstrous, fried, sob-inducing mass of way-too-light highlights the shade of some insipid McMansion sample house. Whoever runs the hair department is apparently on crack, so thinks this (and bangs for everyone!) are totally awesome. Either that, or they got a deal on a whole warehouse of the stuff.
MyKill: "Sweet," hormone-deficient Michael, who killed AJ until the PFMs figured out having a kid kill his parent wasn't such a great storyline. Even after it was retconned that someone else actually killed AJ (or "killed," if you're one of those who go "lalalalalalala" when the subject comes up and insists he's really alive and well with Stefan on an island somewhere), Dylan Cash's portrayal of the kid remains really creepy, and we're all sure he's a budding sociopath. How such a thing could happen when he has such wonderful role models, such as his mob kingpin father, holy hitman Uncle Jason, and screeching harpy of a mother, I HAVE NO IDEA, but there it is. Thankfully, he's now in a coma, and will hopefully wake up in a year or two older, hunkier, and less serial-killer-like.
SonnyBucks: Sonny's coffee business, where everyone goes for lattes and "secret" meetings in Sonny's office in the back.
Moobster: Sonny. Unfortunately, we are occasionally "blessed" with love scenes in which Sonny takes off his shirt and shows us his stunning pair of man-boobs.
The Baby Whisperer/The Woman Whisperer (TM Schmanglang): Jason. St. Jasus just has a way with the babies and womenfolk. He understands them and makes them feel safe and comfortable and, of course, in love with him. It's natural really; women and babies are inferior by nature and thus respond to commanding virility. It's science.
ShrewLu: Lulu, who has morphed into a grating bitch who snots and snits at everyone due to the PFMs not knowing what to do with a popular younger character other than to turn her into what, in their minds, is the perfect female character: Carly. *shudder*
Luly: Lulu again. Amalgamation of her name and Carly's, because they're basically one big shrieking harpy monster nowadays.
Tumily: The hallucinatory Emily caused by Nik's tumor. Strangely elated for a dead woman, as well as possessing just about the only head of hair on this show that's not been attacked by The Taupe. Just as annoying and boring as the real, dead Emily. Thoughts of what Nik is actually doing when he kisses and cuddles and makes love to this imaginary woman are enough to send one either into titters or spasms of disgust.
In-Jokes, Jargon, and Peculiar Expressions
The Coast of Bolivia: The quintessential proof of the writers' incompetence and lack of intelligence. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that some brilliant writers gave Bolivia a coastline off of which Alcazar's yacht was moored. Only problem is that Bolivia is a landlocked, mountainous country. Yes, it did, once, have a coastline that it lost to Chile in the War of the Pacific, but that was 1883, so there is not even partial credit: it was just a colossal fuck-up.
The Gummi Bear Mafia: Since Sonny and Jason head the "good" mafia that doesn't deal in drugs and prostitution, and only kills people who "deserve it," the only activities we can come up with that keeps Jason in leather jackets and penthouses is smuggling in contraband gummi bears from Canada or something. That and gay porn. Because who doesn't like gummi bears and gay porn?
The Closet: Where interesting, well-loved characters (often veterans, but not always) with tons of story potential are locked in between the two minutes of screentime they are given every six months so as not to wander onto the set and take away precious minutes of Carly and Jason with such detestable things as "talent" and "history." Possibly has it's own ghetto where the token minorities, like Lainey, are kept most of the time.
Awesome Writer (TM Serial Drama): The one GH writer who actually seems to care about such silly things as plot, characterization, pacing, and continuity. He or she, sadly, is only let out of The Closet every few weeks. Sometimes also known as One Good Writer (OGW).
The Barge: A cruise ship refuge for all of those who've grown sick and tired of this awful, awful show. A glamorous setting where all the men are shirtless, Laura isn't a wig on a stick, and the Mob is a thing to abhor, not celebrate. If you need a vacation, hop a launch and come aboard!
Flying Barware/Glassware: When people get angry on this show, glasses start flying.
Jazz Hands: One of Sonny's oh-so-charming ticks is a hand motion we like to refer to as "jazz hands."
Purple Leotard: There's really no explanation needed, is there?
Bullet of Love/Shot to the Head: True love. Sonny shot Carly in the head as she gave birth to his child, but this was, somehow, a sign of their codepend... I mean, love, not a signal that their relationship might not be all that healthy, or that a life in the mob might not be all that safe and secure an environment.
PodPeople: "Pod people are when TIIC (The Idiots In Charge) bring back fabulous, well-loved characters from the past and render them unrecognizable. For example, Holly Sutton Scorpio turned up during the Monkey Virus storyline holding the antidote for ransom while dozens of people, among them her former stepdaughter, lay dying. Then she, Luke and Robert went off and had hijinks in the jungle, where, among other things, she played Luke against Robert and made a pass at Dillon." (Hatpin 5502)
Reindeer Sweater: Back when Jason was Jason Quartermaine, Goody Two-Shoes Med Student, and not St. Jasus of the Borg, he was apt to wear some... interestingly dorky clothing. The reindeer sweater is the most infamous of these sartorial choices.
Teh Evul!/Teh Hotness!/Teh XYZ: "It's a play on all the crazy fans (on other boards, obviously) who can't type properly. Sometimes !!11!! is tacked on at the end. We also use OMG TEH EVUL when someone is particularly bad (or we're supposed to see him/her as such)" (dubbel zout 5504).
Retcon: Retroactive Continuity. When a show goes back and rewrites history to accommodate present-day storylines. An example of this working would be Nikolas being Laura's son by Stavros Cassadine; an example of this not working (and being a complete mess) would be Sam's ever-evolving backstory, from salvage operator to secret lovechild of Alexis Davis to con artist.
Jason's Box of "Secret" Pain: Where Jason keeps all of his painful memories and emotions. Physically, it's a glossy black box filled with pictures of Michael as a baby (when he was cute and before he became a serial-killer-in-training), Robin, and, now Jake kept on the top shelf of Jason's hall closet, next to the gun lockbox that is never actually locked. Metaphorically, it's all of Jason's blinky angst. The "secret" part comes from the fact that, while ostensibly locked away behind Jason's stoic demeanor, actually just about everyone knows about it.
The Glittery Hoo-Ha: Carly's magical vagina, that ensnares every man that comes in contact with her, making them believe that a selfish, shrieking harpy is actually the perfect woman. Lulu has, of late, developed a Junior Glittery Hoo-Ha that is irresistible to any younger man in PC, despite the fact that she, too, has become a selfish, shrieking harpy. Because these writers are so twisted, that's what they think makes a strong heroine: a bitch that all the men want to bone, despite the fact that her personality should repel any sane person in the vicinity.
Clitter: The magical, pheromone-saturated glitter that sloshes forth from Carly and Lulu's Hoo-Has to inexplicably entrance any male in the vicinity. Possibly made by Glittery Hoo-Ha flies (Glitterius hoohaes) who have colonized Carly and Lulu, whose blinking hypnotizes men into thinking their horrific hosts are actually wonderful.
"braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart": How the PFMs want us to see Carly, as an admirably brave and strong woman fiercely loyal to her friends and family, and not just a selfish, crazy-ass shrew with a voice modulation disorder. Originally taken from a eulogy delivered several years ago when Carly "died" (unfortunately, it didn't stick).
Word!/Wordy McWordersons!: Expressions of profound agreement with another poster's comments.
Hee! and Bwah!: Expressions of amusement at another poster's comment or something on the show.
The Goat Pictures: The hypothetical photographic evidence of ABCD president Frons' affair with a goat that Guza (head writer) and Jill Farrell Phelps (executive producer) use as blackmail to keep their jobs on this show, despite their complete lack of talent, blatant misogyny, lack of any sort of common decency, skewed morality, disdain for the genre and its fans, and complete ineptitude.
Pirates in Em's Pants: When Emily and Nik were searching for an old Quartermaine treasure, there was a concurrent flashback storyline between a Quartermaine ancestress (who somehow looked just like Emily WHO IS ADOPTED) and a Cassadine pirate who looked just like Nik. You know, the usual suckiness.
Crazy Bitch (TM TheLabRat): That mysterious language formed of tortured language and "Whaaaaaaaaa?" logic in which the bat-shit crazy think and communicate.
The House of Rage and Folding Laundry: The Spencer household before Liz and Lucky's divorce. There was lots of rage flying and laundry being folded (an act Liz used to try to avoid unpleasant confrontations) before those two finally called it quits.
Hot But: Sam's hot tub of "but" sex. Originally a typo for "hot tub" (poor portiapm is still blushing!), it has since been embraced by the board as a term for Sam and her skanky pool of sex. Because we're all twelve years-old.
Chucklesville: The imaginary alternate universe where Closet characters, identical twins of the sadly deceased, and dearly missed favorites are off doing their own, actually good, soap. Inhabitants include Hooper Barrett, the twin of Coop; Lucy, Kevin, and Sigmund; AJ; Lucas; and Real!Holly.
The Army of Hotness: My crazy-ass idea that Coop is actually the genetic wellspring of a whole army of super-soldiers secretly created by the government. They're tough, good under pressure, and insanely hot. It's a complete and utter delusion, but it's damn nice to picture.
The Rock: No, not the strapping, eyebrow-raising wrestler/movie star, but the lucky styrofoam rock that got to do the one thing we all wish we could do: knock Carly out and shut her the hell up!
Monthday (TM carolyng): The unit of time that allows Halloween and Thanksgiving to be both one day and one month apart from each other in that nexus of spacetime dysfunction we call Port Charles. We think it has something to do with the wormholes that apparently riddle Upper New York State, allowing not only PC's residents to get from one end of town to the other in five seconds flat, but also connecting PC to Montreal, the Hudson Valley, Manhattan, the Caribbean, Paris, Turkey, and the coast of Bolivia via a leisurely five minute plane ride or car trip, as well as existing in divergent yet simultaneous timelines irrespective of sense, logic, or the laws of physics. Apparently, the writers of this awful, awful show have minds that work in non-Euclidean geometries straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares. Ia Cthulhu F'htagn!
OMG, This Awful, Awful Show!: A common cry of pain heard when the insane wretchedness of this show gets to us and our brains just shut down. Also abbreviated as TAAS.
Stanvils (TM Split Ends): The blindingly obvious signs and portents that telegraph important events, especially character deaths, before they actually happen. These tend to be things like sudden mentions of characters we haven't seen in a while (when they're about to come back and/or die) or having everyone in town say, "I'll kill you!" to some villain so that when said villain dies everyone's a suspect. Named in honor of Stan, the be-Hawaii-shirted, oft-recast, and thoroughly unimportant Token Black Man filling part of this show's minimal minority quota; also, beloved son of Epiphany, computer genius, and communist agitator for the mob. May he rest in peace. At least until they somehow resurrect him for some other asinine story.
The Most Romantic Storyline EVER (or EVAH!): According to Bob Guza, the greatest love story of our, or possibly any, time is the tale of a Russian Prince and his tumor-induced hallucinations of his dead fiancee. Because noting says "romantic" like pseudo-necrophilia with an imaginary ghost so happy to be dead she's grinning like a loon most of the time! It's the stuff of fairy tales, you know.
Snarkoleptic/Snarkolepsy (TM elizabethamsith): The state of utter exhaustion with this awful, awful show in which, as Schmangalang puts it, "It's not even fun to make fun of it anymore!" it's so boringly and consistently horrific. So you end up either a nap or only half-paying attention while watching it, and yet you still go on the board to rip it.
Bear Trap: Usually blacked out in spoiler bars for extra fun, it refers to an old report that Jason's hands would be injured when he got them caught in a bear trap. Sadly, this turned out to be untrue, but it's still funny.
Wig on a Stick: Genie Francis played Laura Spencer as a vital, active woman, devoted to friends and family. But she got old and a little heavy and wanted the same sorts of perks and considerations as her male costars, and we can't have that can we, so they got rid of her and made Laura a catatonic vegetable portrayed by a bad blond wig on a stick.
Robin's Blog: A forbidding corner of the ABC Daytime website where all sorts of information we should be seeing on the screen is off-handedly given to us via blog post. While this is exasperating, what's really scary is the comments, where some people don't quite seem to understand the line between fantasy and reality.
This list is neither exhaustive nor comprehensive, but it should give you some idea just what the hell we're babbling on about. New terms crop up all the time, so this list should be updated occasionally. But if you see a term or acronym you don't understand, don't feel bad, just ask! We're really a very friendly bunch. We won't bite. (We may accidentally take a chunk of flesh while wailing and gnashing our teeth at the stupidity and horridity of this awful, awful show, but we'd never bite intentionally!)
Hockey Hunks
In honor of the NHL playoffs, celebrity lookalike hockey players. Some of those are kinda creepy in their uncanny resemblance.
Also, hockey players are hot! You can't tell because of all the padding and layers, but hockey players tend to be tall and beefy and yummy. They're also total rough trade, which is a turn-on. Plus, who doesn't love a Canadian or a European with an unpronounceable name? They can all throw down the gloves with me any time!
Also, hockey players are hot! You can't tell because of all the padding and layers, but hockey players tend to be tall and beefy and yummy. They're also total rough trade, which is a turn-on. Plus, who doesn't love a Canadian or a European with an unpronounceable name? They can all throw down the gloves with me any time!
Sweet Buffalo Baby Jesus!
Some of the most amazing animal footage I've ever seen. Weep as lions take a buffalo calf! Gasp as a crocodile tries to steal the calf! Thrill as a mob of angry buffalo chase those lions the fuck out of there! Marvel as the buffalo calf returns to life!!!!
Lions And Tigers And... No, Just Tigers
Captive tigers may provide the only hope to preserve tiger genetic diversity, as well as most tiger subspecies.
Dare you enter Tigerland?
Dare you enter Tigerland?
I Really Need To Get A Life 2
My mother bought some oak tag at Staples the other day to print out some labels. With my paper fetish, I of course had to take it out of the bag and inspect it, and I noticed that printed on the bottom is the name of its very pretty blue color: "Deep Belgium Blue." Because I'm a complete loser, this name bugged me. I mean, I know it's a color, so one could argue "Belgium Blue" is just a compound noun, or even a product name, but I can't help but want it to be "Deep Belgian Blue," because "Belgian" is the adjectival form of "Belgium," damnit! One doesn't salute the America flag or order China food after all.
I need help.
I need help.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
This Is How The Clone Wars Started, You Know
First it's sniffer dog clones, and next thing you know we're recruiting bounty hunters to provide the genetic template for an army of supersoliders!
I Really Need To Get A Life
Did you guys ever notice that "Toyota" is almost a pallindrome? Spelled backwards, it's "Atoyot." If it weren't for that pesky "A" at the beginning instead of the end, it would be a perfect mirror of itself! Funnily enough, it was a mirror that made me notice this: a Toyota truck was in back of me at a light on the way home from work, and when I glanced at my rearview mirror, there it was!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Happy Birthday, Rome!
The Eternal City turns 2761 years young today. She doesn't look a day over 2000!
(via rogueclassicism)
(via rogueclassicism)
London Book Fair
Who could resist a book fair described as "more like an accountancy seminar" than a festival that can literally drive one to drink (champagne, of course)? It sounds bloody fantastic!
(Via Bookslut)
(Via Bookslut)
Cut Down On The Home Heating Bill
To save money on the gas bill, install a library: books make great insulation!
I totally want that two-story library in the second picture, BTW. Absolutely gorgeous! I love how the article just assumes everyone has enough money to collect antique books and have mahogany bookshelves made up special. If only! *sigh*
(Via Bookninja)
I totally want that two-story library in the second picture, BTW. Absolutely gorgeous! I love how the article just assumes everyone has enough money to collect antique books and have mahogany bookshelves made up special. If only! *sigh*
(Via Bookninja)
Blonde Joke
Air Head on a Beer
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
As A Native New Jerseyan, I Bristle At New Jersey Jokes, But This One IS Funny
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
Friday, April 18, 2008
Spring
My favorite part of spring are the leaves as they just come out of the bud. They're a sour-apple-candy green that's just electric with the sun shining through them. Beautiful.
Animals Are People, Too!
We overestimate our pets' intelligence; most of them are dumb as a rock. Not my dogs, of course. They were geniuses! They knew exactly what you were saying to you! (Not that they'd ever do anything you'd tell them, of course. Pugs are rather cat-like in their air of "You're an idiot and you're disturbing my nap-time. Off with you!" Still, they totally understood you! )
Seriously, though, how dumb can animals who get us to feed, shelter, and take care of their young of be? Who are the dumb ones here, again?
Seriously, though, how dumb can animals who get us to feed, shelter, and take care of their young of be? Who are the dumb ones here, again?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Feed Me!
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever noticed this, but I've found that the busier I am, the less hungry I get. When I'm at work, and it's a day when I have little or nothing to do, I snack a lot and feel famished by the end of the day. On days when I have stuff to do, however, I seem to forget to snack so much and don't feel as hungry. I guess I'm just a boredom-eater, not a stress-eater.
Goosewatch
Every day one the way to and from work, I pass a field where a gaggle of geese, including the cute couple I mentioned previously, hang out. A few days ago, however, tragedy struck: one of the geese was dead in the middle of the road, obviously killed by an errant driver. Ever since, I've seen a lone goose pecking at the ground occasionally looking up when my car goes by. Is it the dead goose's mate, waiting, expecting its mate to return? Is it lonely? Does it have a clutch of eggs it has to try and incubate and raise on its own?
I know I'm way anthropomorphizing. And, really, I have no way of knowing whether this goose is the mate of the one killed on the road, and not just a random singleton, part of pair that just enjoys having their own space, or a parent taking a snack break while the other sits on the eggs a while, but my heart can't help but go out to the lone goose.
I know I'm way anthropomorphizing. And, really, I have no way of knowing whether this goose is the mate of the one killed on the road, and not just a random singleton, part of pair that just enjoys having their own space, or a parent taking a snack break while the other sits on the eggs a while, but my heart can't help but go out to the lone goose.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Musty Books
Now robots can get a good sniff of that lovely old books smell, too. I'm not being sarcastic, either; you know how I have a book smell fetish.
Also, robots? In libraries, digging through the collective knowledge of humanity? We're just begging them to become sentient and overthrow their organic overlords (i.e. us) aren't we?
(Via Bookninja)
Also, robots? In libraries, digging through the collective knowledge of humanity? We're just begging them to become sentient and overthrow their organic overlords (i.e. us) aren't we?
(Via Bookninja)
Technorati
As you know, I like to show reciprocity link-love to anyone who links to me, but I don't catch them all right away, so it takes a while to return the favor. A Technorati search, though, usually turns them up. Here are three I caught recently:
Jumpy, Jumpy Vitamins
Fred Smith
The Greedy Maelstrom
Jumpy, Jumpy Vitamins
Fred Smith
The Greedy Maelstrom
Monday, April 14, 2008
Libraries Can Be Sexy!
I mean, all those books! Who wouldn't be turned-on?!?!? Oh, you mean libraries as just a setting for human interaction? Eh, whatever. Happy National Library Week!
(Via Books, Inq.)
(Via Books, Inq.)
Geeks Are KRAZY!
Have I mentioned before that the Japanese are totally insane? Well, they are.
Ummm... ew!
Now, this is cool. Still kinda crazy (I mean, you're going to keep your guests waiting ten minutes while you figure out the maze?), but cool.
Ummm... ew!
Now, this is cool. Still kinda crazy (I mean, you're going to keep your guests waiting ten minutes while you figure out the maze?), but cool.
Won't Someone Think Of The Puppies?
The subprime mortgage meltdown is not just impacting people, but pets as well. I don't and never will understand people who just let animals out with a "Godspeed!" or just close the door and never come back. I realize that if you're staring at homelessness and insolvency, you're not exactly having a good time or in the best frame of mind, but just suck it up and take your pet to the shelter before you skip town.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
How Can Something So Cute Be So Disturbing?
I love the M&M commercials with the CGI M&M "people." There's a new one out that starts out innocently enough with a pink peanut M&M "woman" reading a paper on a park bench when an adorable CGI squirrel sits down in front of her. She smiles at the cute sight, and then returns to her paper, only to look down again a moment later to see a whole horde of squirrels. Then the squirrels ATTACK HER EN MASSE (because she has a peanut center) and the last thing you hear is her scream of terror as she is presumably EATEN ALIVE BY SQUIRRELS!!!!!!! Stuff of nightmares right there.
A Little Learning...
Most awesome word I've heard of late: pieriensipist. I love the way it sounds, as well as its potential as a really nerdy insult. "Shut up, you pieriensipist! You don't know what you're talking about!" I so need to keep it in mind for the next time I'm tearing into someone.
(Via Worthless Word for the Day)
(Via Worthless Word for the Day)
Thursday, April 10, 2008
It's A... Ninja?!?!?
Bookninja (aka George Murray) has added another little ninja to his clan. Mazel tov! The nerd is strong in this one; I can feel it.
Let us give extra applause to Lady Ninja, who had to carry and then extrude over ten pounds of baby! Ouch! Women really are amazing.
Let us give extra applause to Lady Ninja, who had to carry and then extrude over ten pounds of baby! Ouch! Women really are amazing.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Temple Of The Book-God
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Eisbären Über Alles!
Flocke makes her debut. OMG, little white furball, nom nom nom! *dead* Let's just hope she can handle the fame better than poor old Knut.
(Via Cute Overload!)
(Via Cute Overload!)
Monday, April 07, 2008
Book Massacre
This is enough to make a bookworm weep. I just want to fly to Russia, gather them all up, and find them a good home on a nice, sturdy shelf!
The "Perfect" Library
The 110 books to make up the "perfect" library according to The Telegraph. I quite like the list, though as with all such it's open to argument and cries of, "But what about X?" and "If Y isn't on the list, then it's a travesty and a sham!" However, if I met someone whose library was nothing but those 110 books, I can't say I'd be impressed. A library should reflect the tastes and interests of its collector, not a laundry list of the books you "should" have. I'd rather a shelf of well-loved Danielle Steele than a room of obligatory classics.
(Via Bookslut)
(Via Bookslut)
Start The Week With A Laugh
The Joy of Christmas Cards
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
(Via Comedy Central Jokes)
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Friday, April 04, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Cute Clips
Flocke the Polar Bear cub learns to swim. Let's just hope she doesn't turn into a "psycho" like poor Knut. But, who knows, maybe, someday, Flocke and Knut might meet and the love of a good polar bear heal his psychic wounds.
Now they're selling snake oil to dogs. My dear departed Dusty had a lot of joint and walking problems as he got older, just like the pug in the commercial. Nothing works better for such things than just regular old glucosamine and controitin. Unfortunately, Dusty was a stubborn cuss who did not like to take pills. When we could get them into him, they really helped, but no trick, from wrapping pills in bacon to putting it in spoonfuls of peanut butter to crushing it and mixing it in his food, worked more than a few times. He was too damn smart. So, by the end, he could barely work his back legs and it just broke my heart.
Now they're selling snake oil to dogs. My dear departed Dusty had a lot of joint and walking problems as he got older, just like the pug in the commercial. Nothing works better for such things than just regular old glucosamine and controitin. Unfortunately, Dusty was a stubborn cuss who did not like to take pills. When we could get them into him, they really helped, but no trick, from wrapping pills in bacon to putting it in spoonfuls of peanut butter to crushing it and mixing it in his food, worked more than a few times. He was too damn smart. So, by the end, he could barely work his back legs and it just broke my heart.
I Somehow Don't Think Tolkein Had This In Mind
Lord of the Rings is really all about property law. Screw the Nazgul, Sauron should have just taken Frodo to court to get The Ring back!
(Via Bookninja)
(Via Bookninja)
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
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