HeoCwaeth's latest post regarding her anxieties about being in grad school coming from a working class background elicited a strong response in me, because it actually touches on many aspects of my own current situation. I wrote a long-ass comment to her post, but I'm going to recopy it and rework it a little for here, just because I feel I really need to get it off my chest.
As long-time readers may be aware, nearly two years after graduating, I'm still unemployed. If my parents weren't so insanely wonderful, I'd be really screwed. Month after month of no reply to applications, or interviews that lead nowhere, is discouraging to say the least. Frankly, I often feel like an abject failure. Explaining to people that I'm still looking for a job is humiliating. Every time someone asks, "What do you want to do?" I mentally cringe and sigh and want to scream, "I DON'T KNOW! I JUST DON'T FRICKIN' KNOW! I just don't want to be a loser!" Of course, I don't say those things. I just hem and haw about "proofreading" and "editing" and "temporary jobs" and stuff. But the shame is real.
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a smart fellow and everyone expected me to do really well right away, so I feel like I've let everyone, including myself, down by not. The worst thing is the thought that maybe I never will, that I'm not good for anything and just a bum who will never make anything of himself, that I wasted my education and natural intelligence by being lazy and unemployable. I don't want to be a wasted life.
It all comes down to fear of failure, of being a failure, of disappointing my parents, who have worked so hard to give me all the opportunities and luxuries I've enjoyed that others, perhaps more qualified and more deserving, have never gotten, which also adds guilt to the mix. And I also fear disappointing myself. I always promised myself that I'd find something I loved and do well at it, that I wouldn't have to do what my parents and sister have done, settle in jobs they don't necessarily like just to pay the bills. It doesn't look like I'll get to keep that promise, between the fact that I don't know really what I want to do, the fact that I can't get a job anyway, and the fact that I'll probably end up in some dead-end job I loathe just to keep afloat. That future scares me, almost as much as the thought that I'll never get a job at all.
It's not that I haven't touched on these issues with friends and family, but I'm both embarrassed by my situation and feel like such a whiner by complaining, so I just don't feel comfortable being fully honest with my loved ones. Objectively, I have things great, and I realize that. It's kinda cool to just be able to do whatever and not have to worry about making a living. But I can't live like this forever; I don't want to live like this forever! I can't just magically will a job into existence, though; if no one wants me, I just have to keep slogging on. And people just don't realize how tough it can be out there. Everyone wants tons of experience in these narrow little fields, and I just don't have that. And menial jobs aren't interested either because they see my education and think I'm too good for them and will be unhappy and leave fairly quickly, and, yes, probably, but I NEED A FUCKING JOB SO JUST GIVE ME ONE AND PAY ME! *breath* So I'm confined to this strange limbo of being either underqualified or overqualified and no one wants to touch me. (Kinda like my sex life. But that's another whine for another time.)
I don't know how much sense this all makes, and I know this probably doesn't all hang together cohesively, and it probably comes out as just another whinge by an over privileged middle class brat, so I doubt this is my best post. I just needed to write it out for myself.
14 comments:
What you're saying makes perfect sense to me, but as you know I'm in the same situation as you. (Minus the semi-consistant motivation, haha).
I think having such supportive parents can be a detriment sometimes. If our parents were hard asses and said we had to move out or start paying rent by such-and-such a date, we'd have to find work. Yeah, it's a luxury problem, but it's still a problem.
We're caught up in a humiliating situation, especially when our friends (The Pams, Mike, etc) all are doing so exceptionally well.
I think we both have a lot of shame about that.
I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but I was pretty much illiterate until junior high school. Blah. I'm usually really good at explaining this to people, but for some reason right now my thoughts won't come out right. I think your post just hit an emotional nerve for me. Hell, maybe I already confessed this to you. Lord knows I've told you most of the embarrassing shit in my life.
Anyway, more about that another time.
I really think that part of your specific lack of success is the fear you mentioned. You fear failure (once again just like me). So, while you fear you'll be a failure at life if you never find your dream job and begin to support yourself, you also fear finding that job and failing at it. Does that make any sense?
Fear holds us back. It holds me back for sure.
I had a feeling you would comment on this, Cindy. Actually, I considered not posting this so that you wouldn't have to read it. You have enough problems without me dredging up this stuff, too.
You're right, it's a detriment of luxury, but definitely a detriment to have such awesome parents as ours are. You're also right about fear of failure and fear holding us back. We have to learn how not to fear. Or at least not let it keep us down. Easier said than done, though. You know me so well.
No, you've never talked about the illiteracy thing. We'll have to talk about that later.
Love you, Cindy! We'll get through this crap together.
Hey man, don't worry about it. I'm actually doing a lot better, respectively. Plus, I like to see your more personal posts, especially when I relate to them, haha.
The illiteracy thing. Yeah. I had a lot of trouble learning to read and that simple fact right there made me feel so inadequate in school. It still does sometimes.
I wasn't classically illiterate in the sense of not being able to read words. My problem was that I couldn't visualize the images those words presented. So, to give a lame example, I could read "See spot run," but I couldn't see spot running in my mind. They were all just words. See -- to visualize with your eyes. Spot -- a stain or mark. Run -- to move quickly. See. Spot. Run.
Pretty lame, right?
I don't know; I figured I'd already confessed this to you. It just seems like one of the things I'd have blurted out to you in an e-mail. lol. My famous word vomit stew.
Anyway, I was in basic skills classes. There. I admitted it. I went with the rest of the "learning disordered" students for an hour or so a day down to the basic skills room and they taught me to read.
From the middle of 4th grade until the end of 7th grade I was in a class with one-on-one help from awesome, wonderful, amazingly brilliant teachers. I resented it by junior high, because by then I was smart enough to know that being different, being stupid was not socially acceptable. Luckily by then I'd also overcome my "learning disorder." By the 7th grade I was helping out the basic skills teacher with other students and not receiving any additional help myself. Well, helping out the other students was additional help in it's own way. It boosted my ego, haha.
Much like our work situation, the basic skills thing embarrasses me if I let it. I think that's why it popped into my head in regard to your post.
I actually think my extreme nerdiness is a reaction to my fear of people thinking of me as some sort of "retard." By high school I was in honors English classes and generally thought of as one of the extremely "smart kids." You know me. The lit nerd. I ran my high school lit mag (Viewpoint), and then went on to do the same thing in college even though I tried to AVOID it, lol.
I don't know if I would have done that if I'd started out life as a capable reader with nothing to prove.
ANYWAY, yet again, it's time for me to get to the point. You've got something to prove, too. You've got to prove that you can overcome this fear bullshit. And ... yeah, yeah, yeah ... I know I've got to prove the same thing ... so just shut up! lol =P
Love you!
CB
No, you never mentioned the learning difficulties in any "word stew." It's funny, I actually had a similar experience. In kindergarten, I didn't do at all well on the basic skills test they gave us for some reason. So in first grad, they put me in a basic reading skills class. My mother and my kindergarten teacher fought it, because they knew I was a smart and a good reader, the test had just screwed up (maybe I filled in the boxes wrong or something; I really can't remember), but they convinced them that it wouldn't do me any harm and might be good for me. Frankly, I enjoyed it, because I also had awesome teachers, but it WAS obvious that I didn't need it, so I only went for that one year. I was already an unpopular nerd by then, anyway, so it didn't really affect me socially and I never really gave it much thought. *LOL*
I actually think I would have turned out nerdy no matter what, but I think my extreme nerdery was a reaction to being unpopular and socially awkward. I had no friends, so I made books my friends; I was ostracized for being smart, so I did well in school because that's all I had to feel superior about.
Anyway, you're right: I do feel I have something to prove.
We're just a mess of issues, aren't we? *hehehehe*
Haha. Hell yes we're a mess of issues. I think the mere fact that we're both still up at 4am proves that, lol. At the very least it helps us make our case. =P
I needed the basic skills classes. Without them it would have taken me even longer to break into reading, I think. Once I finally started to visualize what I was reading, though, I was doomed. I haven't stopped reading since, lol.
It's funny that your experience happened in kindergarten. I was "left behind" in the first grade with three of my other classmates. Another supreme embarrassment that had to do with my reading difficulties.
The fact that it took the school 3 more years after that to finally get me into basic skills class says a lot about the quality of education in NJ.
My Mom fought to have me left back and not "socially promoted," then she fought another 3 years to finally have me tested and put into hour-a-day basic skills class.
It's sort of the exact opposite of your story. Our school board didn't think I needed the testing, but both my teacher and my mother knew I did.
And, yeah ... I think my extreme nerdery was a reaction to being unpopular and socially awkward, too. I mean, I wore Seaquest and Star Trek shirts to school. Come on, man. I practically screamed NERD.
I've been a sci-fi/fantasy geek for my entire life, and way before I could read, to boot.
I still think my extreme bookishness is a reaction to my fear of being thought of as a "retard." I'm glad I'm a nerd, though. I wouldn't want to be anything else, and I can't imagine not reading as I do know. There are so many things I would have missed, so many truly awesome stories and adventures. SO much knowledge.
Anyway, yeah ... wow ... issues baby.
=P
A lot of the comments made here struck a chord with me - some I could understand and some I didn't experience.
Not to make it all about me - but it is a relief to know I'm not the only one here and to have someone actually express what I'm feeling and have felt in the past into words.
A quick synopsis - graduated from a four year college - couldn't find a job for a year. So went back to school for a different track - did slightly better career wise but not quite where I wanted to be. So for the third time - back to school. After graduation - am working now - in a real job - 11 years after high school. Three degrees and three schools - if that's not overqualified, I don't know what is.
Here lies the rub - I hate where I work. If it wasn't for the paycheck I'd quit. And at 28 - still living at home with a mountain high debt.
A while back I did a google on people I knew in HS - one of my low points was when I tracked down one of the guys who made my life harder - he was one of the bullies - HE's achieved his goals. That was very hard for me to swallow, I could handle my friends being successful but my bullies?
Was considered to be smart in class - the one to succeed - last to be picked in gym class, etc
The comment "fear of failure" - that's rather interesting because I have a tattoo which translates: "he did nothing for he feared he would not succeed"
David.
RYN: Actually, my pirate DVD's are mostly just for "delayed viewing". I Netflix them, and just to get the next one quicker, I rip them to an external HD to watch later. 9 times out of 10, I delete them afterwards.
(I mean - I know you were kidding and all, but just in case the MPAA is listening...)
"I'm glad I'm a nerd, though. I wouldn't want to be anything else, and I can't imagine not reading as I do know. There are so many things I would have missed, so many truly awesome stories and adventures. SO much knowledge."
Exactly, Cindy. Exactly.
David: First, thank you for the comment. And I'm glad my post struck a chord with others; it makes ME feel better to know I made other people feel better (because it's all about ME! *LOL*). Truthfully, I expect there are a lot of people in our situations and who feel the same things. We just don't talk about it.
I was tempted to do the "keep going back to school" thing, but I chose not to. I just know that, as bad as this is right now, going back to school, getting into academia would be the wrong path for me.
As I said in the post, hating where I work is yet another of my fears. But at least once you get out there, it's slightly easier to get a new job.
I haven't done the Google thing yet, but that's definitely something I'd do. And as much as I dreamed about being a big success and having my tormentors pump gas for me, the truth is a lot of them will probably end up doing just fine. It's a bitter pill, but the world isn't fair and Luck is indiscriminate; plus, maybe they worked really hard to get where they are. Can't begrudge them that. They may be totally different people from who they were in high school. (I'm just so goddamn charitable! I wish I could hold a grudge. *hehehehehe*)
Again, thank you for commenting and feel free to do so in the future. Bourgeois Nerd is always welcome to all!
Three comments I wanted to add -
My biggest fear, I'd say is disillusionment. I'm in a field where I always felt passionate about but when I actually entered in the field - I felt like ......... that's all? I'm afraid that if I switch jobs, that disillusionment will follow me.
Second thing - about the bully, I think it was more about frustration and bit of disbelief that someone who didn't put a lot of effort in school could succeed whereas I who everyone thought I'd become a doctor - is floundering.
Lastly, I wonder if not having a strong work ethic plays into this. As supportive and loving my parents are - I kind of wish they'd pushed me harder when I was growing up - would that made a difference in where I am now? But there's no point in looking back.
David.
David: You and I sound a lot alike. Disillusionment is a terrible thing. But what if you move to a different job and become... illusioned! (Yeah, it's not a word, but whatever.)
About the bully, again a lot of life is just luck. If it makes you feel any better, maybe the rest of his life is shit. And just because you're not as successful relatively early in life doesn't mean you won't catch up later in life. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. (Hopefully; and making life a contest is an aspect of the American psyche that really is the root of a lot of our troubles.)
I, too, have wondered about the work ethic thing. When I look at how hard my parents work and how lazy I am... well, I can't help but think I'm just a spoiled white boy. But I also think that part of why my parents don't push me as much as others might is a conscious choice. My father especially didn't have a nice childhood and has been working non-stop since he was about nine years old. Thus, he's never given me a hard time about not working, I think, because he doesn't want me to have to do what he's had to do. And my parents are successful enough that I don't HAVE to, either. So I think it's a matter of love and pride on their part.
First, the economy sucks right now. Unemployment is high and you are in a state with a pretty tight job market.
Second, maybe it would be helpful to get feedback on you resumes and interview style? There might be subtle tricks that you can learn that will help close a deal.
Third, there is always grad school...
I think I now realised why my parents pushed so hard for me to consider Medicine, though it was probably detrimental at the time as I was in the ' You don't understand me, don't tell me what to do' stage of adolecence.
My father's an academic, in materials science, and he sees so many of his physicy, and mathematicy friends fail at finding the appriate employment. There are only so many professorships, and other employers are scared off by your PhD. And research grants are incredibly competitive, so really there is nothing to do for a lot of science graduates.
Ah, the world sucks. Surely there should be a way to balance out the job market so that there is greater quaternary industry to meet the demands of all the graduates flooding out of universities.
Frank: It took me years to get in to grad school with dozens of applications. This was despite having two books published. Have you tried applying overseas? When I applied to SOAS at the University of London they accepted me immediately. I would suggest looking into grad school in the UK and Canada. You might also try Ireland. At anyrate I wish you the best of luck. I know that you are a smart guy and would do well.
Gayprof: Believe me, I know all about the tight economy! I blame Bush for all my problems.
Esme: "Ah, the world sucks." Indeed!
JOP: Thank you for the comment and the compliments. I know you understand my predicament.
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