A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."''

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You...

...Flatland The Movie(s)! I highly recommend the book, BTW. It's short, educational-in-a-totally-painless way, and biting social satire that is as relevant today as it was a hundred years ago.

Good Thing I Keep That Second Penis Around!

Iguanas have two penises. Reptiles have all the luck. (BTW, check out the picture of that blogger. Rowr! He can come over a play "iguana" with me any time!)

(Via Gawker)

Cute Overload Is Trying To Kill Me

Knut The Baby Polar Bear Knut! It even rhymes with "cute"!

Name The Pandas! What's Chinese for "snorgle"?

Crotch Sorbet

To cleanse the palate of yesterday's actress boobies, I present celebrity packages.

(Via The Fagat Guide)

Don't Worry, It's Normal In Russia!

Milk siblings are nothing new in Russia. Which is great for them and all. And wet nurses have been around for just about ever. Again, fine, whatever. It's still creepy to read about it!!!!

For Your Consideration

If there are any troglodyte frat boys reading this who just happen to be voting members of the Academy, you might base your vote for Best Actress on this (NSFW). Cor blimey, who would have thunk Dame Judi had such a nice rack, eh?

I must say, I love a good British actress, so to have Kate Winslet, Dame Judi, and Helen Mirren all up for awards is fantastic. Though it does make who to root for problematic (especially since I haven't seen any of the movies or performances in contention). Helen Mirren is the favorite and, from what I've seen in terms of clips, absolutely deserving. She is Queen Elizabeth II! But Kate Winslet is just so charming and I love that she does what she wants to do and doesn't let Hollywood make her become a skeleton. But I've been in love with Dame Judi for years now. I'm a big PBS Britcom fan, and love As Time Goes By. Decisions!

(Via Gawker)

Sidebar Updates

Slight changes to the sidebar links at left:

1) Updated the Tetrapod Zoology link due to Dr. Nash's well-deserved promotion to ScienceBlogs. To kick things off, he talks about vampiric birds.

2) Added a link to Books, Words, and Writing. The title just about says it, I think, and the blogprietor, the divinely hyphenated Ms. Amy Nelson-Mile, has been kind enough to link to Bourgeois Nerd.

3) Toby's back! Yay!

I'm Evil But I Don't Care

I'm sorry, but they are right: Bindi Irwin is one ugly-ass child. She's kinda creepy, I think, too.

Jigga WHAT?!?

Milk siblings? Milk siblings!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! *inarticulate jaw motions of horror and confusion* And this is just... I don't even know what. Thanks for blowing my mind with horror, Gawker!

That Damn Cat Again

I'm sorry, but this video of that obese cat with feline AIDS is just too cute to pass up. He's just so plumply adorable! He looks like a cat Buddha or a feline Marlon Brando!

(Via Defamer)

An Invitation

You are cordially invited to witness the marriage of obsessive-compulsive disorder and underwear fetishism in this guy's closet.

Yo Mama

Yo mama's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

How Rude

There you are, a perfectly average fox female popping in for a little shoe shopping, and the next thing you know the hairless apes are shrieking, running away, calling you "diseased," and sending for the animal fuzz to take you away to the country. And I thought the British were supposed to be a polite people!

(Via PhDiva)

Ah, To Be In Chicago

Ever wonder where the bargain books tables at your Favorite Local Bookstore are "born"? Wonder no more! The "womb" is the Chicago International Remainder & Overstock Book Exposition.

It sounds heavenly, with tons (literally!) of books. It's not open to the public, though. Still, one could always crash... Hey, Vince, got a sofa I could crash on?

(Via Bookninja)

Zen And The Art Of Page Layout

In publications, emptiness can be as effective as actual content.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Not Bad For A Total Heathen

You know the Bible 82%!

Wow! You are truly a student of the Bible! Some of the questions were difficult, but they didn't slow you down! You know the books, the characters, the events . . . Very impressive!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

(Via Professorial Confessions)

What I Would Look Like If I Were Hot And Had A Scooter

(Via The Pretty Boys Club)

Does This Dress...

...make me look like a horse's ass?

The Things You See When You Haven't Got Your Gun

Attack of the Penis (No word on whether or not it's a killer.)

A Whiter Shade Of Pale

Whiter-than-white beetles: even pastier than the Liverpudlian ones!

Aimless

I really don't know what I want to do with my life. There's nothing that really calls to me, nothing that I feel I have to do. I like and am interesting in editing and proofreading, but I can't say it's my overwhelming passion. This makes my job search even tougher than it already is, since I don't really know what I want, thus making a career goal difficult. It makes me feel all drifty and shiftless.

I don't claim to be unique in this condition. I know a lot of people never figure out what they want to do. It still sucks.

Sunday In Bed

(Via The Pretty Boys Club)

In The Future...

I am: David Brin Bestselling producer of impossible-to-put-down epic adventures in a far-flung future.

Which science fiction writer are you?

(Via Books, Inq.)

Freaks Need Love, Too!

The Zoological Society of London is starting a new program to conserve the world's "weirdest" species.

I'm NOT An "Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm"? The Test Is Obviously Flawed.

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Literate Good Citizen
Book Snob
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

(Via Philobiblon)

I Couldn't Even Afford A Leaf From One

The 10 Most Expensive Books of 2006

(Via Bookninja)

"The Bad Boy Of Baking"

Is he for real? Seriously, like for real-real?

And Death Shall Have No Dominion

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

Dylan Thomas, 1933

The First Thing Texas And Canada Have Had In Common In... Well, Ever!

The GNP of each state in the Union in terms of other countries.

(Via Pharyngula)

Fat Cat Update!

That fat-assed cat has been diagnosed with Feline AIDS! Poor thing. Maybe that's why he was eating so much; he wants to make sure that if he has some wasting, he has some "cushion."

(Via gothamwhore)

Card Catalog

Catalog yourself!

(Via Pharyngula)

Atypical Arachnids

Arachnids are, for the most part, solitary creatures. When one thinks of social arthropods, one's mind tends towards thoughts of bees and ants and termites, not spiders. But there are a handful species of social spiders and they're fascinating.

What's Really Funny Is That It Was A DOGGIE Door!

Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "fat cat."

(Via Defamer)

Get In Touch With Your Inner Artist

Make your own Pollock!

(Via Lassiter Space)

I'm Rendered Speechless...

...by the sheer dorkitude of spending Christmas constructing a replica of the Battle of Helm's Deep in candy.

(Via Pharyngula)

Star Wars Stuff

My big Star Wars post is still hanging out in the Drafts file, but here's some random SW crap to tide you over.

A bacteria species named in homage to Star Wars.

The call to Palpatine after the first Death Star got blown up.

A bunch of nerds reenacting scenes from A New Hope. The "Han" guy is sooooooooo gay and kinda cute.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

A map of world happiness.

What really strikes me about the map, BTW, are the countries colored gray for lack of data: Iraq, North Korea, Western Sahara, Somalia, Afghanistan, and Greenland. Except for Greenland, which is basically just a big glacier, some of the most chaotic places in the world. I think we can assume that the people there aren't all that jolly.

In related news, the Danes are the world's happiest people, apparently. Their secret? Low expectations.

(Via Bookninja)

The Return of Cartoon Nostalgia

The triumphant return of Cartoon Nostalgia! I realize now that I really did spend my entire youth watching animated shows. I don't remember watching so many cartoons, but I obviously did. Go me, I guess.

Also, Joseph Barbara (of Hanna-Barbara fame) recently died, so this is kind of a tribute, even though none of the cartoons I'm talking about today are his. I'm sure he'd be positively touched, anyway, to have some nobody blogger go on about the cartoons he misspent his youth on weeks after he died. *snort*

Animaniacs

I was actually rather ambivalent about this cartoon, but I watched it anyway. I loved the educational songs (countries of the world, "Istanbul, not Constaninople," etc.). "Pinky and The Brain" was fun, too.

Tiny Toon Adventures

The adventures of young Warner Bros. cartoon characters. Now, unlike Muppet Babies, the characters aren't the younger versions of the classic characters, but pint-sized reimaginings. The only episode that actually sticks in my mind is the Field of Dreams with feminist overtones one where the female Bug Bunny-equivalent rediscovers a forgotten female cartoon star to be her hero. Otherwise, nothing much comes to mind.

Care Bears

God I wanted to have a special power coming out of my stomach! Something useful, like the green Care Bear's luck, not a stupid rainbow or something.

More nostalgia to come!

How Long Until We Have A Galaxy Called "The Shire"?

Introducing a new class of galaxy with hairy feet.

Where Does It Come From (Book Edition)

If you order online, your book likely comes from a place very much like this. Isn't it a mouth-wateringly beautiful sight? All those books! *swoon*

Hey, You!

It's De-Lurking Week; speak up!

(Via Cosmic Variance)

New Holidays for a New Year

Seasonal Affective Disorder Day: January 2
With Christmas and New Years a thing of the past, now it''s time to celebrate the long, cold, gray winter months that loom ahead.

The Day the Music Died Day: February 3
Write a sappy song about an important cultural tragedy that will annoy bar patrons for generations.

National Jingoism & Violence Day: February 4
Collect a group of two dozen or so well-trained men assigned to represent your city or region. Face off against another such group of well-trained men. Beat the living sh*t out of each other. (aka Superbowl Sunday)

Soy Bomb: February 25
Celebrate the "spontaneous explosion of the self" by dancing like an *sshole on live television.

Reverse Cowgirl Day: March 3
Honoring a woman''s right to choose positions. (formerly Women''s Suffrage Day)

Hale-Bopp Day: March 22
Remember 1997? Best year EVAR? Well, things won''t be that good until 4380, so your cult will have to wait for its next mass suicide.

International 420 Day: April 20
Dude!

Mission Accomplished Day: May 1
Celebrate the United States'' quick and clean victory in Iraq.

Jim Belushi Day: June 15
Hire your brother to do something he''s not qualified to do. (aka National Nepotism Day)

Mike Tyson Day: June 30
Threaten to eat someone''s children while feasting on delicious elephant ear pastries.

Transfomers Day: July 4
Make your pilgrimage to the multiplex as Michael Bay rapes your fondest Saturday morning cartoon memories. Clutch your vintage Rodimus Prime toy while mumbling "You''ve Got the Touch."

Los Alamos Day: July 16
Celebrate the first ever nuclear explosion near Alamogordo in 1945 by blowing some sh*t up. (aka Trinity Day, Oppenheimer Day, I Am Become Death Day)

Self-Love Day: July 26
Enjoy the company of the person you love best in the recesses of your favorite public place. May we suggest Barnes & Noble? (aka Paul Reubens Day, Pee Wee''s Play Day)

Adult Swim Day: September 2
Skip work, get high and watch Space Ghost until you pass out.

National Accessory Day: September 14
In appreciation of the belt, the hat, the handbag and, most importantly, the scarf. It was on this day in 1927 that famed modern dancer Isadora Duncan''s scarf sealed its importance in the annals of history by wrapping itself around the axel of a car and broke its owner''s neck.

Seat Belt Remembrance Day: September 30
What better way to celebrate the life (and, more specifically, death) of legendary actore and motor enthusiast James Dean, than with a holiday remembering seat belts?

Ted Haggard's Gay Republican Day: November 1
Purchase recreational drugs from your favorite same-sex prostitute, but don''t pay for intercourse. That would be hypocritical.

Mutilated Nipple Day: November 4
Legend has it that this holiday originated way back in 2004 when actress Tara Reid bravely unleashed her mangled areola upon a pack of ravenous paparazzi and saved the world from something or other.

The Clinton/Lewinsky Blowjob Joke Appreciation Day: November 15
On this day, stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts around the nation celebrate the greatest gift that was ever given unto them.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation Day: November 22
Things to do today: fashion yourself a festive Asphyxophilia Noose, masturbate, listen to INXS''s Kick twenty-two times on repeat. (aka Michael Hutchence Memorial Day)

Britney Beaver Day: November 27
Today, innocent girls all around the world flash their junk.

National Cruise Day: November 29
Fun activities: Plan a cruise with two of your favorite loved ones, get drunk, go for a swim when no one is looking. (aka What Really Happened to Natalie Wood Day)

Fingering the Starfruit Day: December 2
On this day in 1978, 150 pedophilic freedom fighters attended the first meeting of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (or NAMBLA).

Entropy Day: December 30
Holy sh*t! Did another f**king year come and go already?

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

I Got Nothin', So I'll Show You A Nice Ass (NSFW!)

(Via The Pretty Boys Club)

I Love Vince's Dad

I wish my dad would shower me with black diamonds!

A Romantic Interlude

She dwelt among the untrodden ways

She dwelt along the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
--Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.

She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!

William Wordsworth, 1800

Poor Pluto

First it's downgraded from a full to a dwarf planet; noow it's been made into the 2006 Word of the Year as a synonym for "demoted"! Not much of a consolation prize.

Erin Go Bragh!

The state of Gaelic in Ireland is...

(Via Books, Inq.)

"Take Us To Your Leader" Is SOOOOOO Twentieth-Century

Aliens nowadays are actually quite witty, especially in text messages to home.

We DO Need A Little Christmas

You know, I actually kinda understand those people who never take their Christmas lights down and own/frequent those all-year-'round Christmas stores. We're taking down all the Christmas stuff this week and it just makes everything seem a little less... special. The warm glow of the Christmas tree makes everything look more magical; without it, the winter ahead just seems dull. Lights and decorations are just what one needs during the long winter dark; there's a damn good reason why all winter solstice-related festivals have putting lights and sparkly decorations up as part of the celebration.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm a Christmas sentimentalist at hear and my SAD's just acting up, I suppose.

Sidebar Link Updates

Added two new blogs to the sidebar.

First up is Note For Sale, the sophisticated, erudite blog of an anonymous gay escort who, for some reason, likes and links to us.

Second is Aardvarchaelogy, a new addition to the ScienceBlogs family focusing on archaeology (duh!). The blogprietor is a charming Swedish archaeologist with a quirky style.

Both come highly recommended. Check 'em out!

Cute AND Smart

Top Ten Animal Geeks

Life Is Fair To Middling

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.3
Mind:	6.6
Body:	6.7
Spirit:	5.9
Friends/Family:	5.6
Love:	0
Finance:	5.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

(Via Professorial Confessions)

*Big Picture Of A Bookworm Pointing At YOU!*

If it isn't a dreadful bother, the OED would like your help, old chap!

(Via Bookninja)

The Internet Is Gay

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! And bloggers are the bitchy queens who make people cry. Isn't it grand?

(Via Gawker)

Damn Internets!

First, it gave us naked cleaning people and made everyone a perv. Now it's a direct cause of youth apathy about the new Moon initiative! No, it's not the fact that we've already been to the Moon, stopped going, and have just now decided to go back for no particular reason. No, it's not the fact that the world is going to hell in a handbasket around us. No, it's the damn Internets these whippersnappers today are all crazy about!

(First link via Books, Inq.)

A Handy Guide For Any Aspiring Creator

How to Build a Universe That Won't Fall Apart Two Days Later

(Via Books, Inq. via Amy Nelson Online)

Just Go Away!

You ever have one of those blog posts that just refuses to be finished? One that just sits in your drafts list forever and ever, taunting you with it's incompleteness, and just generally driving you mad?

I've been working on this Star Wars essay for a month now and it just won't come together. All the pieces are there, but I just can't psych myself up to fit them together, to go from amorphous string of paragraphs to a blog post of my patented brilliance and incisiveness. Oh, it'll get done, but I wish I'd just get it fucking together already!

Good News, Bad News

Libraries are getting rid of their books. But they'll soon be able to replace them really, really easily!

(Via Books, Inq.; via Maud Newton)

The Future

Or, to put it more poetically, The Undiscovered Country.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Is It Weird...

...that I find the possible reincarnated Buddha kinda hot? Or is it just sacrilegious?

Resolutions

• Get laid.
• Get a job.
• Be less neurotic.
• Be less anxious about stupid crap.
• Get some gay friends to hang out with.
• Get some straight male friends to hang out with.
• Get a wise older lesbian and/or bitter, jaded drag queen who secretly has a heart of gold to mentor me.
• Have more fun.

With Love

Scott almost makes me cry, but in a good way. I've never had a big brother, but it's an honor and a privilege to have Scott fill that role in my life. God knows I need it!

Welcome to any and all who've gotten here through his post. And if any of my readers haven't read Bill in Exile yet, you should. It's not all just "gay shit," as Scott would say. Bit (well, more than a "bit") NSFW, though, so be warned.

Auld Lang Syne....