Merry Christmas Adam!

What do you call the day before Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve Eve is what I've always called it, but some utter genius out there realized that if you pun Christmas Eve as "Christmas Mother-of-Humanity-According-to-Judeo-Christan-Tradition," and Adam came before Eve, you get Christmas Adam. Brilliant! Oh, how I love the English language and its infinite plasticity!

(Via Joe. My. God.)

Feline Navidad

SOMEONE'S Having A Blue Christmas!

Papa Smurf! Or a frostbitten Santa, perhaps. He's not a freak, though, he's just ahead of the color-curve for 2008, y'all!

(Via Defamer)

You-Really-Should-Have-Kept-It-A-Secret Santas

UNsexy Santas [NSFW]

(Via Gay Fleshbot [NSFW])

The Downer Christmas Post

It's not exactly unusual, unexpected, or even unreasonable to lose a bit of the feeling of Christmas magic as you get older. When you're a kid, Christmas is getting off from school, enjoying the anticipation of Santa, and getting presents to tear through under the Christmas tree. When you're older, there's no Santa, you get maybe two days off, tops, and you have to spend hours of time and tons of money getting everyone something. Feel the magic!

Still, and maybe it's just nostalgia talking, I really think Christmas isn't what it used to be. There seemed to be a heyday of Christmas between 1930 and maybe like 1990 when almost all the Christmas classics in terms of songs, movies, and TV specials were made, and just about everything since then sucks. I think it might have something to do with the cynicism and jadedness we have today, as well as our gross superficiality and media-saturation. Christmas is concentrated schmaltz and sentimentality, and in today's hyper-slick, hyper-sleek, hyper-hyper world, schmaltz and sentimentality just don't fit in very well. It's difficult to be Christmas cheery when we know just how crappy, and getting crappier all the time, the world is. It makes the "Christmas makes everything better and special and shiny!" delusion that is necessary really, really hard to maintain.

And though I always roll my eyes and want to cry, "Bullshit!" when people deride how commercialized Christmas is, because it's always been commercial, at least since the end of the 19th century, but today's commercialism does seem to have an uglier tone that sort of weighs everything down, as well. I don't know quite how to explain it, but there's a desperation and an emptiness, even a listless mechanistic-ness, to it that doesn't leave one with the holly-jollies. (I'm convinced that holiday specials are a cause of this, in a perverse way. After decades of cloying, preachy, "True Meaning of Chrismas" stories beating us over the head with "Christmas is about family and friends and love, not presents and money and superficial things!" I sincerely believe Americans half go Mammonic at Christmas out of spite.)

Am I a rose-colored glasses-wearing old humbug who just thinks that everything's gone downhill since "my day," or does anyone else feel the same?

Sounds Of The Season

Believe it or not, I'm not really a maudlin person. I'm far too neurotic to be a total sad-sack. But I have noticed as the years go by that what I think I like most about Christmas are the songs. As you saw the other day, my favorite Christmas songs are a diverse lot, with jolly ones, traditional ones, and modern ones, but it's the more low-tempo melancholy ones, like "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," and "I'll Be Home For Christmas" that are my favorites. I particularly find myself drawn to those as sung by Karen Carpenter who, either because she felt that way or because I project it back into them because of how her life ended, seemed to add a very bittersweet note to them that I find appealing.

The touch of melancholy in those particular songs somehow fits Christmas for me. They bring to mind bundling up by the fire or, my favorite holiday act, standing in the peaceful, quiet dark when everyone else is asleep, looking at the Christmas tree all lit up. Stillness and light: that's Christmas to me.

Steroid Scandal!

The Hulk? Captain America? Juicers? Say it ain't so! My innocence, she is lost!

Giant Rat And Tiny Possum

Most people would go "Eeeeek!" at a new giant rat, while I go "Awwwww!" He's just so pudgy and "Whatevs!" And regular possums really aren't that cute, but pygmy possums are a whole other story!

Spit

Am I really a sissy, prissy freak because I don't like to spit? Other guys seem to think hocking phlegm and/or saliva whenever the mood strikes is perfectly acceptable, whereas I think it's disgusting. Just swallow your damn spit, y'all!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Bourgeois Nerd's Favorite Christmas Songs:

"Jingle Bells" (Gotta love the classics!)

"Deck the Halls" (I want some boughs of holly!)

"Silent Night" (This song's actually as pretty in the original German as it is in English.)

"Holly, Jolly Christmas" (Nothing beats Berl Ives as a claymation snowman with a banjo!)

"Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree" (I always get these two mixed up, but I love both. I mean, what's NOT to love about rockabilly Christmas songs?)

"O Tannenbaum/Oh Christmas Tree" (Depends on how Teutonic you're feeling what you want to call it.)

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" (If the Fates allow, of course! What the Fates have to do with a holiday celebrating a deity from a completely different belief system, I don't know.)

"White Christmas" (I don't think I've ever actually had a white Christmas; several white Thanksgivings, but no Christmases.)

"I'll Be Home For Christmas" (The last line, "I'll be home for Christmas/if only in my dreams" always gets to me.)

"Last Christmas" (What can I say, I love the cheesy 80s stuff! There's a new version of it I heard by Jimmy Eat World or something that's actually not that awful, but it'll never replace the one, the only George Michael original. This is actually one of my mother and me's favorite Christmas songs to listen to on the radio as we go around shopping.)

"All I Want For Christmas (Is You)" (Just about the only thing Mariah sings I actually like.)

"Little Drummer Boy" (Rum-pum-pum-pum!)

"Santa Baby" (Who can resist Eartha Kitt purring about getting diamonds? Madonna's version is actually pretty good, too.)

"Here Comes Santa Claus" (I always wanted to live on Santa Claus Lane.)

"Twelve Days of Christmas" (Just because I love how no one can ever really get through it, because it's long as hell and no one really knows all the parts.)

"The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting)" (It's just not Christmas without Nat King Cole.)

"Dominic, The Italian Christmas Donkey" (I'd never heard of this song until my sister started dating my very Italian now-brother-in-law, but now it's one of my favorites in the "really stupid, but still somehow cute" category. Yee-haw-yee-haw!)

"Run, Run Rudolph" (One of the few Christmas songs that really makes you want to dance.)

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" (Grandma's a lush and the victim of a hit-and-run accident. Merry Christmas!)

"Happy XMas (War Is Over)" (Who would have thought Yoko Ono could help create a good Christmas song?)

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" (Your mother's a whooooooooore! Call me when Daddy's kissing Santa Claus, though.)

"Mele Kalikimaka" (Indelibly linked to one of my favorite Christmas movies, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.)

For more on Christmas music, Wikipedia is, as usual, a treasure trove.

More Sidebar Additions

Welcome to the family Elastic Time and Space, Meme Land, Strange Maps, and the return of the fantastic Proceed At Your Own Risk!

Wee Turtles!

Run (well, crawl) free, baby turtles!

Super Skimpy Sunday

(Via Towleroad; Roids and Rants [NSFW]; Guanabee; Bill in Exile [NSFW]; The Pretty Boys Club)

Fashion Regret

The job I have now is the first where I've had to dress up every day. I have several pants in black and shade of khaki, some shirts, brown and black socks and shoes, and I mix and match. In general, I think I pull it together just fine, and occasionally I think I look damn good, but some days... Have you ever put an outfit together in the morning that you think will look fine, but later in the day decide that it was kind of a mistake? Well, today's outfit, tan slacks with a navy collared shirt, brown shoes, and navy socks, was one of those days. I thought the navy socks would go with the navy shirt, and navy with the tan and brown. I was wrong. I don't think I looked disgusting or anything, but it was definitely a fashion miss. I'm such a bad Gay.

Sidebar Additions

Two new links in the sidebar:

First, some adventures in medievalism: Per Omnia Saecula. Beware the Weird Medieval Animals lurking about!

Guanabee is "Spicy Coverage for the Latino in You." Of course, I'm nothing but a pasty-ass gringo who eats at Taco Bell, but it's just damn funny and smart, no matter what race or nationality you are.

Yes, Darling, But Is It CUTE?

Huge-ass earred rodent: cute or uncute?

Superstars

Top Ten Astronomy Pictures of 2007

Bush Can't Even Be Retarded Enough!

Bush comes in second to an English soccer coach for "Foot in Mouth" award. He can't even win an award for sub-literate speaking! What a loser.

(Via Bookninja)

Word Of The Year

Can I get a w00t, w00t? I'm not clutching my pearls that a word that has two numbers in it is in the dictionary or Word of the Year, but I am sort of confused as to why it was the word of this year. It's been around a while and, while it's definitely used, especially on the Internet, I didn't detect any upsurge in its use this year, and, at least in that form, is fairly confined to the gaming community. But I guess they're just using it as an emblem of a trend or direction in words or something.

(Via Bookninja)

Brave New World

Paddington Bear is a refugee seeking asylum. And now that I think about it, why does he speak perfect British English and not Spanish?

(Via Bookninja)

Tyger, Tyger, Burning Bright

A Chinese tiger born in Africa is named Junior and whose father is named "Tiger Woods." Globalization at its finest!

That's Me: Incredibly Complex, Totally Not Crazy, Not Terribly Hot!

Your Score: Fennel

You scored 50% intoxication, 25% hotness, 75% complexity, and 0% craziness!

You are Fennel!

You're a cool cat. Crisp, clean, fresh, and extremely complicated. You're like quantum physics or modern jazz. Think Niels Bohr meets Ornette Coleman. You may look normal now, but once you sprout, you look kind of, uh, funny.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva

(Via professorial confessions)

I Hope He Lives In Massachusetts...

...because I want to marry this boy and be with him forever! He makes me feel good to be gay (and totally jealous that I can't dance like that).

BTW, Celine Dion is one craaaaaaazy bitch! And I never really listened to the lyrics of that song before, but it's damn crazy itself. WTF is with the rag doll and the puppy? Weeeeeeeeeeeird!

Leave It To The French...

...to have a hidden pornography section in their national library! (To be fair, the article mentions that the British Library has a similar section, too.) One suspects that there's a lot of "visiting L'Enfer" during lunch breaks and after-hours for some "private viewing." *shudder*

House Of God

A church-cum-bookstore wins an architectural prize. I know I go on and on about worshiping at the altar of books, but this is ridiculous! But gorgeous. Must make a pilgrimage some time.

(Via Maud Newton)

I Can Haz Knowledge Based On Systematic Empirical Investigation?

LOLScience

Skimpy Sundays

(Via The Pretty Boys Club; Towleroad; Bill in Exile [NSFW])

Sister Wendy

I adore Sister Wendy. Her buck teeth and and big-ass habit and soothing, accented voice and formidable knowledge knowledge of art are absolutely enchanting. And, as she shows here, she's full of sense and understanding.

Things One Doesn't Expect To Hear On NPR

"This report was brought to you by the Billy Graham Ministries." Really?!? An evangelist sponsoring that bastion of the Godless Liberal Media? Even the announcer didn't sound like she believed it, or approved of it: she had to virtually choke it out. What next, Pat Robertson underwriting Terry Gross? Crazy!

The Full Monty

A naked Bond? Yes, please!

Cute Aneurysm!

Hedgehogs in casts.

Belated Birthday Wishes

Superstar polar bear Knut turned one yesterday. He's at that "awkward stage" at the moment, but still totally adorable. Beary Happy Birthday, Knut!

Crisis!

The cocoa workers of the Ivory Coast, the world's largest cocoa producer, are going on strike. From what little I know about the conditions of cocoa farming in Africa, I support this brave action to improve the lot of those who don't have a great life.

But if it goes on too long, we could be looking at a chocolate shortage/price increase! The very thought makes me shudder. There will be panic in the streets! Chocolate profiteers! Candy-deprived waifs! Will no one think of the children?!?

(Via Pharyngula)

Are You LISTENING Studios?

The cute animals are out on a solidarity strike with the writer's union. I predict the strike will be over by next week, now; those studio execs don't want to mess with the Cute Overload! people when their deprived of their adorable animal videos! They will cut you!

(Via Defamer)

He Sees You When You're Sleeping, He Knows When You're Awake...

...and videotapes you all the while, his creepy teddy bear sidekick on his shoulder! Eeeek! "Bad Santa" indeed! What's creepiest is his little fist-pump, like he's saying, "Yeah! That's right, kids, open those presents! Open them real good!" *shudder*

Who Do We Blame For Bad Fellatio?

Ask Mr. Owl.

Move Over Chanel!

Eau de Bibliotheque!

In an admission that will surprise none of you, since I've talked a bit about my love of the smell of books before, I would totally wear that perfume!

(Via Books, Inq.)

Scriptorial Sepulchres

More info and commentary on the Tombs of the Tomes.

(Via Maud Newton)

The Joy Of Giving

I ain't gonna lie, I very much enjoy receiving (insert your own joke here), but I really do equally -- in a very different way -- giving gifts. I get a warm, glowy feeling from getting people something fun and different that I know they'll like. I'm a sucker for the "Wow!" you always hope to get when presenting a gift to someone you like well enough to spend money on.

This can be a lot of work, however; gift cards may be boring and impersonal, but they're certainly easy. I spend hours thinking about what to get people, making lists, searching the Internet, and, as is my wont, agonizing on the decision of what to actually buy. It's really not easy stopping myself from getting everyone ten different gifts. I often find several things I like, or I find something after I've already bought one gift, and go, "Oh, that'd be great for XYZ! They'd love that!" Because I'm totally indecisive, I'll get all of them instead of sticking with just the one or two things I'd decided on, so as to both increase the pleasure I give the receiver, and to avoid the my fretting that I should have gotten the other that can literally keep me up at night. I work hard to control myself, since such generosity is rather expensive, but I don't always succeed. Thankfully, this year I actually have an income, so I can afford to be a bit indulgent.

I do have to confess to a more selfish part of me, a little miser in my head totting up the bill of what I've spent and comparing it to what they spent on me. If they match, all is well; if I spent more on them than they did on me, he feels both superior and aggrieve. If they spent more on me than I them, though, my usual guilt-complexes kick in. And there is not a small bit of self-satisfaction at giving people good gifts, a sense of pride that I'm just that damn awesome and can make people feel that good. For the most part, however, my motivations really are pure: I want the world to be happy, and giving gifts is one way of contributing to that. I can't deny, however, that those two other things, as small and selfish and twisted and, frankly, just not that pretty as they are, exist and are a part of me. Honesty, especially with oneself, is one of the most important things in life, I believe.

But all that self-criticism doesn't really matter, does it? All that matters is the smile on the face of a loved one when they open a package and find the love you feel symbolized within. Is it crass and materialistic and commercial that we equate love with things? Maybe, especially when carried to extremes. But symbols are important, too.

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Bill in Exile [NSFW])

Lists! Lists! Wonderful Lists!

1) 25 Places Where A Nerd Can Get Laid

2) 10 Gadget Gifts For People You Hate

3) Top 25 Gay TV Characters

4) The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

5) 50 Nerdy Pick-Up Lines

(# 1 via email; #2 via Towleroad; #3 via Defamer; #4 via Pharyngula; #5 via the lovely Tim)

Sparkly!

Another reason to go to London: rad rocks!

You Only Need A Middle School Education To Get Me!

Cash Advance Loan

(Via Books, Inq.)

Eat Your Heart Out, Tut!

The tombs of the tomes are, ironically, a result of print being very much alive. Despite Kindle and PDFs and Google, the physical printed book is far from dead. It's one thing to say, "Oh, well everything will be digital soon, might as well get rid of it all!" but it's another to do so. A few ill-timed computer crashes here, an obsolete format there, and *poof* half the British Library would be gone. Whereas it would take a really, really, really big fire to put more than a small dent in the hardcopy collection. So... Viva la wood pulp and ink!

BTW, how completely bonkers is it of me to want to make a pilgrimage to actually see these warehouses some day? All those rows and rows and rows of climate-controlled stacks! Makes me shiver with delight!

(Via Bookninja)

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Bill in Exile [NSFW] Towleroad)

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving!

Eeeek!

Ancient sea scorpions larger than previously thought.

What Is The Square Root Of Austen Divided By Wilde?

I'm not really anal/creative enough to put my books into equation format, but it's a very pretty picture!

(Via Bookninja)

Wedding Report

My sister's wedding was a rousing success. Everyone looked great and it all went smoothly and everyone had fun. My highlight was watching all the drunk people; I don't drink, but I do enjoy watching others make fools of themselves.

I felt bad, though, that I don't like to dance more, since everyone was having so much fun on the dance floor. Though I danced a little, overall I'm a disgrace to my fellow dancing queens. I'm just too white-boy/self-conscious to really enjoy it, so I just sat down mostly.

Lots of picture-taking, so if I get some good ones of me and my Prada glasses, I'll share them.

It was also nice to see the couples dancing. It was so sweet and romantic and heartwarming. Made me a little wistful for someone to dance with of my own.

So all the wedding crap is finally done and my sister's off to a good start to her married life and things can find their new normality.

Skimpy Sundays

(Via The Pretty Boys Club; via Fagats; via Bill in Exile [NSFW])

I Really Should Just Rename This Blog "Bourgeois OMG THAT'S SO CUTE!"

Fat hedgehog named Mr. Piggy-Winkle! A Millennium Falcon for your kitty (or pet mynock)! A puffy pup in the sink! Pug in the grass (and looking none too pleased about it)! Squee!

(Via Everyday Caitlin)

Save The Bears!

The bears are in trouble. Not these ones, mind you. (You're welcome, Scott; I know how much you adore singing bears!)

(Via Towleroad)

I Married A Bitch

Guy in India married a dog to cure hearing loss and paralysis. Apparently, he thinks it happened because he stoned two other dogs to death. As I always say: karma's a bitch. (*LOL* See what I did there? SEE?!?!?)

(Via Glitter for Brains)

I'm Officially A Label Queen

In anticipation of my sister's wedding on Saturday, in which I am a groomsman, I went to get a new pair of glasses today. The pair I had I've never really liked, and the left lens has a big crack in it, so I thought for the sake of all the pictures I'd get new ones. Not yet having insurance from my new job, I just went to LensCrafters to get new frames and lenses, forgoing the eye exam until I'm covered.

A few hours later, and several hundred dollars poorer, I am the proud owner of some faaaaaaaaaaabulous Prada glasses. I look so friggin hot, I can barely stand it! I guess I'm a Prada queen, now. Watch out!

Non-Traditional Families

Owl Family Portrait

Me Wantie

A booklight that only lights the book! It's so purty!

(Via Bookninja)

Dharma Dogs

What is the sound of one pug snoring? Only the Laughing Puddha knows!

Meanwhile, in Nepal, Hindu hounds are honored.

(Via World of Royalty)

Fifty Years Of Type

Helvetica turns 50 years old. Personally, I'm not a particular fan of the Helvetica font, but there are certainly worse ones out there.

(Via Bookninja)

Updated FAQ/Glossary For Newbies On The TWoP General Hospital Board

Couples

Scrubs: Patrick and Robin.

Liaison/Jiz: Jason and Liz. Liaison is often used by those either fans of, or indifferent to, the couple, while Jiz is most often used by those who don't like the pairing.

Soily: Sonny and Emily. We like to forget that coupling ever happened (skeevy!), but it comes up from time to time.

Nem/Num: Nik and Emily.

Journey: Jason and She Who Must Not Be Named (see below).

Rexis: Ric and Alexis.

LnL2: Liz and Lucky. Believe it or not, those two crazy kids were once soulmates!

LuLo: Lulu and Logan.

Sason: Sonny and Jason. The love that dare not speak its name.

JaSam: Jason and Sam.

3M: Coop (who was introduced as "3" in the Metrocourt hostage crisis) and Maxie.

Skate: Sonny and Kate.

Sexis: Sonny and Alexis.

Jaxis: Jax and Alexis.

Acronyms

PFMs: Poo-Flinging Monkeys. The bunch of incompetent hacks who "write" this awful, awful show.

BSC!: Bat-Shit Crazy! Used often as a prefix, as in "BSC!Sam."

xxx!xxx: The exlamation point is often used as an intensifier when talking about the most prominent trait of a character or storyline, since subtlety isn't GH's strong suit. Thus, crazy Sam is now BSC!Sam, a drugged out Lucky is Pills!Lucky, an ectoplasmic Alan is Ghost!Alan, etc.

RFS!: Robert Fucking Scorpio. The man, the myth, the legend, the criminally unused.

SWMNBN: She Who Must Not Be Named. The not-at-all-dearly-missed Courtney. Also known as CopKilla, Whoretney, and a host of other nicknames bestowed on her with love. The kind of love that's really the putrid bile of hate.

TIIC: The Idiots In Charge. Again, the "writers" who inflict all of this pain and torment upon us.

TFGH: Typical Fucking General Hospital, or Totally Fucking General Hospital, or That Fucking General Hospital, or... you get the picture.

ONS (or 3NS): One Night Stand, usually used in reference to the night of passion between Liz and Jason that led to Jake. Also known as the Three Night Stand because, as soap chronologies are wont to do, one GH night equaled three days of real time.

SORAS: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. The Soapworld pandemic whose major symptom is a strange localized distortion in the timestream that allows soap children to go away to camp or boarding school or even just their bedroom one age, and come back ten years older, usually either a hot teen stud or a gorgeous vixen.

NULOCH: No Upper Limit On Carly Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that shrieking shrew!

NULOLH: No Upper Limit on Lulu Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that obstinate little twit!

ABCD: ABC Daytime, the division of the network charged with overseeing the network's soap operas. Not doing a terribly fine job of it, considering the low-quality of said soaps in recent years.

GV: Greg Vaughan (Lucky)

JB: Julie Berman (Lulu)

KMo: Kelly Monaco (Sam)

KMc: Kimberly McCollough (Robin)

JT: Jason Thompson (Patrick)

TG: Tony Geary (Luke)

BH: Becky Herbst (Liz)

RH: Rick Hearst (Ric)

NLG: Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis)

TC: Tyler Christopher (Nikolas)

RC: Robin Christopher (Skye)

SBu: Steve Burton (Jason)

MB: Maurice Bernard (Sonny)

LW: Laura Wright (Carly)

NL: Natasha Livingston (Emily)

GF: Genie Francis (Laura)

JZ: Jackie Zeman (Bobbie)

JG: Jason Gerhardt (Cooper)

JD: Josh Duhon (Logan)

LL: Lindze Letherman (Georgie)

KS: Kirsten Storms (Maxie)

SR: Sebastien Roche (Jerry Jacks)

BA: Bradford Armstrong (Spinelli)

MW: Megan Ward (Kate)

JE: Jane Elliott (Tracy)

IR: Ingo Rademacher (Jax)

Nicknames

Larry: What some call Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan, who, as a result of writing (and perhaps acting choices) comes off as rather dim (if so, sooooooooooo hot). Refusing to acknowledge that the son of Luke and Laura can be so dumb (yet so hot), they hypothesize that Helena and Faison never let the real Lucky go, instead sending out this simulacrum.

Shouty McYellerson: Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan's predecessor. Apparently, he shouted a lot. (I don't know from personal experience, since I was on hiatus from the show at the time, but I trust my brave fellow forumites who were watching.)

Borg/St. Jasus/Blinky: The stoic, blinking hitman with a heart of gold, friend of babies and old people everywhere, so good he can shoot "only people who deserve it" at twenty yards while shackled and handcuffed, the Christ-like (in Guza's twisted psyche) Jason Morgan.

MahBaby: The neverending storyline of young Jake's true paternity.

Lying Liar Who Lies: Liz, who, well, has told, and continues to tell many, many lies. Can sometimes be applied to other characters as well, however.

Kate's Hair: Kate's haircut can bring about world peace, it's so wonderful!

The Shiny: Becky Herbst/Liz's hair is so pretty and shiny that, on bad days when we can't stand whatever stupid-ass storyline she's in, many of us just zone out and let The Shiny, Pretty Hair soothe us into docility.

Whoretney, CopKilla, etc.: (See SWMNBN above.)

Pipster: Epiphany.

MyKill: "Sweet," hormone-deficient Michael, who killed AJ until the PFMs figured out having a kid kill his parent wasn't such a great storyline. Even after it was retconned that someone else actually killed AJ (or "killed," if you're one of those who go "lalalalalalala" when the subject comes up and insists he's really alive and well with Stefan on an island somewhere), Dylan Cash's portrayal of the kid remains really creepy, and we're all sure he's a budding sociopath. How such a thing could happen when he has such wonderful role models, such as his mob kingpin father, holy hitman Uncle Jason, and screeching harpy of a mother, I HAVE NO IDEA, but there it is.

SonnyBucks: Sonny's coffee business, where everyone goes for lattes and "secret" meetings in Sonny's office in the back.

Moobster: Sonny. Unfortunately, we are occasionally "blessed" with love scenes in which Sonny takes off his shirt and shows us his stunning pair of man-boobs.

Fivehead/5Head: Amelia. The girl, especially when she first came on the show with a haircut that accentuated it, Annie Wershing's rather prominent forehead (forehead, fivehead, get it?) was most everyone knew her by. Before her true total awesomeness was totally revealed (though I knew it almost from the start), this was a moniker of total derision, but after the horrors of Numelia/Fauxmelia (a disastrous temporary recast while AW shot a pilot), and the depths of her awesomeness were revealed, it is more a term of endearment than not, most of the time anyway. Sadly, though, Annie Wersching got herself a better gig on 24, so Amelia was written off with an off-hand comment by Sam that she had "just walked off the shoot" of her show. Not the most graceful exit, but better than the horror of Fauxmelia returning to the continue the role, and she'd sort of run her course as a character. Farewell to you, Amelia, and your crazy-ass rationality and totally crap revenge schemes!

The Baby Whisperer/The Woman Whisperer (TM Schmanglang): Jason. St. Jasus just has a way with the babies and womenfolk. He understands them and makes them feel safe and comfortable and, of course, in love with him. It's natural really; women and babies are inferior by nature and thus respond to commanding virility. It's science.

Zucchini/Summer Squash/Any Vegetable Moniker: Anthony Zacchara. When they first started saying his name, we really didn't catch what it was, but it sounded sort of like Zucchini, and that started us down the road of just calling him whatever random vegetable we felt like. Johnny Zacchara, his son, is known as Baby Carrots, Baby Squash, and so on, after his father.

ShrewLu: Lulu, who has morphed into a grating bitch who snots and snits at everyone due to the PFMs not knowing what to do with a popular younger character other than to turn her into what, in their minds, is the perfect female character: Carly. *shudder*

In-Jokes, Jargon, and Peculiar Expressions

The Coast of Bolivia: The quintessential proof of the writers' incompetence and lack of intelligence. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that some brilliant writers gave Bolivia a coastline off of which Alcazar's yacht was moored. Only problem is that Bolivia is a landlocked, mountainous country. Yes, it did, once, have a coastline that it lost to Chile in the War of the Pacific, but that was 1883, so there is not even partial credit: it was just a colossal fuck-up.

The Gummi Bear Mafia: Since Sonny and Jason head the "good" mafia that doesn't deal in drugs and prostitution, and only kills people who "deserve it," the only activities we can come up with that keeps Jason in leather jackets and penthouses is smuggling in contraband gummi bears from Canada or something. That and gay porn. Because who doesn't like gummi bears and gay porn?

The Closet: Where interesting, well-loved characters (often veterans, but not always) with tons of story potential are locked in between the two minutes of screentime they are given every six months so as not to wander onto the set and take away precious minutes of Carly and Jason with such detestable things as "talent" and "history."

Awesome Writer (TM Serial Drama): The one GH writer who actually seems to care about such silly things as plot, characterization, pacing, and continuity. He or she, sadly, is only let out of The Closet every few weeks. Sometimes also known as One Good Writer (OGW).

The Barge: A cruise ship refuge for all of those who've grown sick and tired of this awful, awful show. A glamorous setting where all the men are shirtless, Laura isn't a wig on a stick, and the Mob is a thing to abhor, not celebrate. If you need a vacation, hop a launch and come aboard!

Flying Barware/Glassware: When people get angry on this show, glasses start flying.

Jazz Hands: One of Sonny's oh-so-charming ticks is a hand motion we like to refer to as "jazz hands."

Purple Leotard: There's really no explanation needed, is there?

Snow Globe Queen: SWMNBN could apparently stare at a snow globe for hours. Also, she was easily distracted by shiny objects.

Bullet of Love/Shot to the Head: True love. Sonny shot Carly in the head as she gave birth to his child, but this was, somehow, a sign of their codepend... I mean, love, not a signal that their relationship might not be all that healthy, or that a life in the mob might not be all that safe and secure an environment.

PodPeople: "Pod people are when TIIC (The Idiots In Charge) bring back fabulous, well-loved characters from the past and render them unrecognizable. For example, Holly Sutton Scorpio turned up during the Monkey Virus storyline holding the antidote for ransom while dozens of people, among them her former stepdaughter, lay dying. Then she, Luke and Robert went off and had hijinks in the jungle, where, among other things, she played Luke against Robert and made a pass at Dillon." (Hatpin 5502)

Reindeer Sweater: Back when Jason was Jason Quartermaine, Goody Two-Shoes Med Student, and not St. Jasus of the Borg, he was apt to wear some... interestingly dorky clothing. The reindeer sweater is the most infamous of these sartorial choices.

Teh Evul!/Teh Hotness!/Teh XYZ: "It's a play on all the crazy fans (on other boards, obviously) who can't type properly. Sometimes !!11!! is tacked on at the end. We also use OMG TEH EVUL when someone is particularly bad (or we're supposed to see him/her as such)" (dubbel zout 5504).

Retcon: Retroactive Continuity. When a show goes back and rewrites history to accommodate present-day storylines. An example of this working would be Nikolas being Laura's son by Stavros Cassadine; an example of this not working (and being a complete mess) would be Sam's ever-evolving backstory, from salvage operator to secret lovechild of Alexis Davis to con artist.

Jason's Box of "Secret" Pain: Where Jason keeps all of his painful memories and emotions. Physically, it's a glossy black box filled with pictures of Michael as a baby (when he was cute and before he became a serial-killer-in-training), Robin, and, now Jake kept on the top shelf of Jason's hall closet, next to the gun lockbox that is never actually locked. Metaphorically, it's all of Jason's blinky angst. The "secret" part comes from the fact that, while ostensibly locked away behind Jason's stoic demeanor, actually just about everyone knows about it.

The Glittery Hoo-Ha: Carly's magical vagina, that ensnares every man that comes in contact with her, making them believe that a selfish, shrieking harpy is actually the perfect woman. Lulu has, of late, developed a Junior Glittery Hoo-Ha that is irresistible to any younger man in PC, despite the fact that she, too, has become a selfish, shrieking harpy. Because these writers are so twisted, that's what they think makes a strong heroine: a bitch that all the men want to bone, despite the fact that her personality should repel any sane person in the vicinity.

"braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart": How the PFMs want us to see Carly, as an admirably brave and strong woman fiercely loyal to her friends and family, and not just a selfish, crazy-ass shrew with a voice modulation disorder. Originally taken from a eulogy delivered several years ago when Carly "died" (unfortunately, it didn't stick).

Word!/Wordy McWordersons!: Expressions of profound agreement with another poster's comments.

Hee! and Bwah!: Expressions of amusement at another poster's comment or something on the show.

The Goat Pictures: The hypothetical photographic evidence of ABCD president Frons' affair with a goat that Guza (head writer) and Korte (executive producer) use as blackmail to keep their jobs on this show, despite their complete lack of talent, blatant misogyny, lack of any sort of common decency, skewed morality, disdain for the genre and its fans, and complete ineptitude.

Pirates in Em's Pants: When Emily and Nik were searching for an old Quartermaine treasure, there was a concurrent flashback storyline between a Quartermaine ancestress (who somehow looked just like Emily WHO IS ADOPTED) and a Cassadine pirate who looked just like Nik. You know, the usual suckiness.

Crazy Bitch (TM TheLabRat): That mysterious language formed of tortured language and "Whaaaaaaaaa?" logic in which the bat-shit crazy think and communicate.

The WhoreLair (TM KGLen): Sam's apartment, where Maxie and Sam get together to wax philosophical on their bad girl tendencies and talk about their latest schemes. Also, their "hidden" base of operations when they go out on the mean streets of Port Charles to fight crime. Okay, not really so much with the last part, but you know you'd watch a show about that! Admit it!

The House of Rage and Folding Laundry: The Spencer household before Liz and Lucky's divorce. There was lots of rage flying and laundry being folded (an act Liz used to try to avoid unpleasant confrontations) before those two finally called it quits.

The House of Regret and and Folding Unpacked Clothes (TM CydW): Liz's post-divorce abode at Audrey's. Liz's penchant for folding strikes again, this time with regret and melancholy rather than rage.

The Barn of Sense and Hard Knocks: The barn at Wyndemere where Jason stashed various people, including Liz, Nadine, Spinelli, and Lulu, to keep them "safe" while he went to be Superman and take down the murderous Zacchara and end his reign of terror at the Black and White Ball. Though strangely devoid of animals, it was full of anti-stupid rays, as Liz and Nadine in particular were making a whole hell of a lot of sense while within its confines. And Spinelli knocked Lulu the hell out with a gun! Violence against women is, of course, not okay, but sometimes exceptions can be made.

Hot But: Sam's hot tub of "but" sex. Originally a typo for "hot tub" (poor portiapm is still blushing!), it has since been embraced by the board as a term for Sam and her skanky pool of sex. Because we're all twelve years-old.

Chucklesville: The imaginary alternate universe where Closet characters, identical twins of the sadly deceased, and dearly missed favorites are off doing their own, actually good, soap. Inhabitants include Hooper Barrett, the twin of Coop; Lucy, Kevin, and Sigmund; AJ; Lucas; and Real!Holly.

The Army of Hotness: My crazy-ass idea that Coop is actually the genetic wellspring of a whole army of super-soldiers secretly created by the government. They're tough, good under pressure, and insanely hot. It's a complete and utter delusion, but it's damn nice to picture.

The Rock: No, not the strapping, eyebrow-raising wrestler/movie star, but the lucky styrofoam rock that got to do the one thing we all wish we could do: knock Carly out and shut her the hell up!

Monthday (TM carolyng): The unit of time that allows Halloween and Thanksgiving to be both one day and one month apart from each other in that nexus of spacetime dysfunction we call Port Charles. We think it has something to do with the wormholes that apparently riddle Upper New York State, allowing not only PC's residents to get from one end of town to the other in five seconds flat, but also connecting PC to Montreal, the Hudson Valley, Manhattan, the Caribbean, Paris, Turkey, and the coast of Bolivia via a leisurely five minute plane ride or car trip, as well as existing in divergent yet simultaneous timelines irrespective of sense, logic, or the laws of physics. Apparently, the writers of this awful, awful show have minds that work in non-Euclidean geometries straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares. Ia Cthulhu F'htagn!

OMG, This Awful, Awful Show!: A common cry of pain heard when the insane wretchedness of this show gets to us and our brains just shut down.

This list is neither exhaustive nor comprehensive, but it should give you some idea just what the hell we're babbling on about. New terms crop up all the time, so this list should be updated occasionally. But if you see a term or acronym you don't understand, don't feel bad, just ask! We're really a very friendly bunch. We won't bite. (We may accidentally take a chunk of flesh while wailing and gnashing our teeth at the stupidity and horridity of this awful, awful show, but we'd never bite intentionally!)

If It Were Possible For Them To Mate, They'd Have The World's Most Average-Sized Puppies!

The world's tallest and smallest dogs meet. Adorability ensues.

(Via Towleroad)

Oh NO He Didn't!

Some British tosser is insulting BookTV (i.e. my nerd crack)! What tosh! Yeah, it's not for everyone, and, yes, a lot of it is boring stuff, but it's an absolutely unique and necessary public resource. I'd like to see him do better with just the dribs and drabs the cable and satellite companies give them! It's a public service, not a slick, advertiser subsidized. So piss off, ya wanker, I say!

(Via Bookninja)

Men In Kilts

'Nuff said.

Below: Sean Connery without a kilt, but still looking Highland hot!



(Via Towleroad)

Healthy Choice

For years and years, I thought the little Healthy Choice logo was a woman in an evening gown, which I never quite got the significance of healthy TV dinners to. It's only fairly recently that I figured out it's actually a jogger (which makes a hell of a lot more sense). In my defense, the way the logo used to be, the legs sort of melded together and it looked at least a little like a woman in a flowing/billowy sort of gown as she goes up some stairs or something. The logo now has the legs much farther apart so that its obvious that it's a jogger.

What stuff did you always thought you knew, but it turned out you were completely wrong and look back in embarrassment that you never got it? Share, please, so I don't feel such a fool about the jogger thing!

Daylight Savings Blues

Okay, so with the clocks moving back, I now drive to work in total sunshine and come home at dusk. It' just wrong, y'all, when it's pitch-black when you're done dinner!

The Perfect Way To Start The Week

Beautiful Young Men

(Via Gay Fleshbot [NSFW])

Skimpy Sunday

(Via Made in Brazil; Towleroad; Bill in Exile [NSFW])

Red Panda Porn

Bow chicka bow boooooooooooooooooooow, bow bow chicka bow boooooooooooooooooooow.