I'd Rather Be A Mutant Spiderweb-Hurler Than A Nietzschean/Jesus/Jew Figure

Ran across this first video in the "I'm Marvel.... And I'm DC!" series spoofing those Mac/PC ads. I suggest you check out the whole series: Hysterical! And more effective than the Mac/PC ones because, as I've said before, the Mac guy's such a douche and John Hodgman so totally awesome, you end up rooting for the "wrong" company. But, then, I've never liked Superman (he's such a douche!), so I may be a little biased in this case anyway.

BTW, what is up with the crotchal area of that Superman doll? Are they anatomically correct now or something?

Poor Heff!

Not only does he look like an old, senile scrotum in silk pajamas and is surrounded by a bevy of not-actually-that-hot-if-you-really-look-at-them-but-are-blond
-plastic-and-slutty-which-amounts-to-the-same-thing-for-
straight-guys golddiggers with the collective IQ of a beanpole, but his rabbits are dying off. There's a sperm count and/or Viagra joke in there somewhere, but I'll leave it to you to unpack it yourselves.

(Via Jezebel)

Conan O'Brien On...

... Star Wars

The Dr. Sparky Interview

So Vince wanted to interview some of his blogging pals, and I volunteered. Below are my answers to his questions.

1. There is a storage problem in the world and something has to go. Either all books will be destroyed and lost forever or all porn will face the same fate. It's your call. Which wins out, intellect or lust?

I thought this would be a really tough question, but, after thinking about it for a second, it turned out it wasn't: intellect/bibliophilia wins. I could live without porn, or at least live without it until a month or two later when there would be a billion movies and magazines out (porn abhors a vacuum, you know). But I already worry about a new Dark Age in which most books and knowledge are lost (that's why I'm so insane that I have two, three, sixteen, or over twenty copies of the same book), so of course I'd go with the books.

2. Do you have a secret crush on any of your blogging buddies? You don't have to reveal names, but I'd encourage it. I like the drama.

Good Lord, who don't I have a crush on! Let's see...Well, of course I'm madly in semi-quasi-sort of incestuous love with Scott, but that's hardly a secret. There's you, Vince, of course (if I ever get to Chicago, I am totally crashing on your couch). GayProf, though I think we're too much alike to ever have a relationship (our combined gravitas would collapse into a black hole). However, a wild, torrid affair followed by years of friendship could work. Eric and I would also not work as a relationship, since our combined neuroticism would probably rip a tear in the spacetime continuum, but also because I don't know enough languages to keep him satisfied. Another torrid affair it is, then! Bigmouth and Gunn and Note and GothamWhore and Hubbard intrigue me because I know so little about them, even what they look like. Rich is brilliantly funny, which is, of course, sexy. And his kitties are the most adorable things ever! Bigg because I fantasize about what the name refers to. Homer is just plain humpy. Momo is fascinating; I love a man with lots of stories to tell. Pete's dirty, almost scary sometimes, and that's exciting. I've long been in total lust with the vlogtastic Tony Hayden, and in love with his dog. And, though I know Scott will go totally ballistic, I think Joe is beary, beary fine.

I'm not one of those gay men who fixate on straight men. I don't feel it worthwhile or seemly, when it's almost always a fantasy that won't come to fruition, and can very likely lead to discomfort on the straight side and extreme disappointment on the gay. Now, that isn't to say I don't appreciate an attractive straight man and don't sometimes say to myself, "If [insert name here] were gay, I'd so be on that!" So my straight-blogger crushes include: Chris Sims, who is not only funny, but totally cubby. Dr. Rundkvist, because who doesn't love a really sexy Swede? Who doesn't like a redbearded Canadian Ninja, for that matter? 'Ranter has the badass cynic thing going for him. Phil Plait and P.Z. Myers and their atheistic/skeptical beards are kinda sexy, I think. And, of course, there's Dr. Dave, who I know he would be very hurt and complain-y if I didn't include him.

In reality, though, every proprietor of a blog listed in the sidebar links, I have an intellectual crush on, have a [whatever the equivalent of a mancrush or girlcrush is for a gay man who adores a straight woman], or just think is plain nifty and would love to get to know better. Really, I love you all! (And don't be mad at me if you don't see your name listed! This question's taking long enough already and I'm sure I'm forgetting people.)


3. Are all the horrible things I've heard about New Jersey true? If they are, I really need to book a flight out there!

When people think about New Jersey, they think about North Jersey, even really just Northeastern Jersey, and maybe Princeton. Much of Northeastern Jersey is not-so-nice, with its chemical plants, waste incinerators, and such, and such lovely towns as Newark and Jersey City. But most of the state, including much of "Sopranos New Jersey" is really rather typical suburbs and not that scary at all.

4. Your readers know a lot about you (assuming they pay attention). One thing I have no clue about is your taste in music. What does everyone's favorite nerd like to listen to?

I'm honestly not a big music buff. I also don't listen to music the way most people do. I own I think three CDs, have no mp3 players, and have never downloaded music in my life. I occasionally watch a music video if I'm flipping through the channels and MTV or VH1 or Logo (which has a music hour) are actually playing a video at that moment. I do flip through the non-video music channels that I get through Comcast Digital Cable frequently, but mostly I get in the car and flip around until I find something I like the sounds of. I don't have favorite genres or anything; I'm just eclectic and listen to whatever tickles my cochlear.

In my goofy/mystical moments, I think that all music, all sound really, contains strains of the Music of the Spheres within it, and that the songs that resonate with my atoms' own frequency of the Music are what I enjoy. Or something.


5. Speaking of nerds, what is the difference between a nerd and dork? In your own words, please. As a nerd, I know you are itching to pull out your dictionary.

The semantic, cultural, and social distinctions between "nerd," "geek," and "dork" are complex and controversial. (Not especially surprising when one thinks about the people to whom these terms are applied, eh?) I've talked about the issue before. But, succinctly, I believe "nerd" and "geek" are grossly synonymous, with just a few connotative shades separating them. Both apply, I believe, to people of above average intelligence who have a high level of interest in at least one, or usually several, subjects that society or specific peer groups deem non-mainstream, at least above a certain level, such as science fiction/fantasy, computers, books, chemistry, anime, band, etc.

"Nerds," in my opinion, are generally humanistic, in that their interests are mostly literary and pop cultural; "geeks" are more technically and scientifically minded. Both tend to be awkward socially, at least at some point in their lives, and often aggregate into myriads of subcultures, such as Trekkers, anime fans, robotic competitioners, etc. Again, though, many participate in more than one of these subcultures, and the levels of their participation vary greatly. Because there is much crossover and bleed-through of the "nerd" and "geek" groups, any rigid classification scheme is virtually impossible, but I believe the scheme I've outlined is broadly correct.

"Dork" is, to me, more just a general put-down than an identifiable group label. Though it is often leveled at nerds and geeks, it is really just a term of scorn or derision used against any less-than-popular or fringe individual, usually in childhood and adolescence when those distinctions matter most. Basically, anyone you don't like or is in some way Other is a dork.

So, there are my answers, Vince! Hope I answered them to your satisfaction and provided a more in-depth peek into my inexplicable psyche. Thank you for the great questions!

Skimpy Sundays

This week's Skimpy Sunday is going to take the form of a link instead of picture post, just because I love this whole series and don't want to just steal copy them. Jockstrap fans, enjoy!

(Via Gay Fleshbot)

Fire In The Hole

Not that anyone cares, but I have an update on that straight porn I bought because of my Evan Stone (aka "Dirty Fabio on Crack") yen. Well, it finally came and I watched it the other night. I survived the experience of all that straight sex relatively unscathed; the fake boobs and yeasty orifices didn't traumatize me nearly as much as I feared.

Actually, I think it was rather educational. I now feel I have a better understanding of the labia (both minor and major) and have discovered that most straight gals, even the "professionals," really don't have very good blowjob technique. (Seriously, most of those girls need to get their fuck-me pumps to stepping and run to their gay porn brethren right quick and learn how to suck a damn cock!) Also, I don't know why, but pubic hair on women totally skeeves me out in a way men's it totally doesn't. I think it's the thought of all those "secretions" in all that brambley hair. But, at the same time, a fully shaved vulva can be kinda skeevy, too, with all the stubble and stuff. You definitely have to find a good waxer or razor, women, or else it looks like you have dermatological or venereal issues. Another thing that skeeves me out when women are involved, but doesn't when it's men, is money shots. There's just something about a man coming on a woman that makes my skin crawl; it's just gross.

Anyway, like I said, I survived the experience. I don't think I'm going to be making a very frequent habit of buy and watching straight porn, but I'm no longer frozen in terror by the prospect.

Harper's

So, does anyone have a subscription to Harper's Magazine? I'd like to get access to the archives to save/print out a certain article, but you need a subscription. Anyone?

Animal Oddities

A dog nurses tiger triplets! An albino wallaby! Craziness!

(Via Cute Overload!)

Fellow Word Nerds...

...interested in a little amateur lexicography?

(Via Gawker)

Okay, So Now I Want To Know If The Dutch Have A Word For...

...something that is both cute and heartbreaking at the same time? Because on the one hand, tubby kitties and doggies are adorable, and on the other, I can see some of them having a heart attack as the picture is being taken. People, when your cat can double as a kickball, it's time to stop with the treats!

(Via Gawker)

Well, It IS A Germanic Language

I always thought German was the language of having a word for complex emotional states (Schadenfreude, Weltschmerz, etc.), but their Dutch cousins are apparently not too bad at it either. In this article, we learn that the Dutch lexicon contains a word for the "feeling of let-down" that comes "from repeating pleasures so often that they stop being pleasurable": genotsbevrediging. Isn't that like the coolest word ever?!?! I want to learn Dutch, now.

(Via Books, Inq.)

One For The Boys Overseas

The perfect underwear for our brave troops in Iraq! Please tell me, Scott, that these are standard issue for grunts and Marines!

Queer As A Three-Dollar Bill

Having trouble coming out of the closet? Just wear this T-shirt and everyone will get the hint!

It'll BE A Black Duck And A Bipedal Pig With Speech Impediments Next

Looks like Bugs is on a little bit of a rampage in the English countryside. He should have turned left at Albuquerque.

(Via Bookninja)

80s Cartoons Were Educational, Y'All!

Seriously, 80s cartoons taught us many valuable life lessons.

Congratulations, Grads!

Now the fun can begin!

(Via Chris's Invincible Super-Blog)

I Prefer "Eremite"

You are The Hermit

Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.

The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.

The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

(Via Perge Modo)

REALLY Progressive Advertising?

(This will only mean anything to a few of my gay readers, but I just can't not share it, so I apologize in advance to everyone who has no idea what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, is it just me, or does this ad that's on Gawker all the time make it look like Buck Angel is the Crunch spokesmodel?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

This is a bit of an odd query, but do any of you, my fabulously witty and attractive readers, have a subscription to Harper's Magazine? If so, please let me know; I have a favor to ask.

Skimpy Sundays

(Via The Pretty Boys Club)

I've Heard Of Icewater Blood...

...but never plastic blood! What will they think of next? Wonder what effect plastic blood would have on vampires. Won't someone think of the vampires?

I Hear They Do Important Work On Neutrino Interaction With Grass

Buffaloes in residence at physics lab.

Colonial Buggery

You know, it's really funny, I just watched a program about Jamestown on Nova a few hours ago (if you've been living under a rock, it's the 400th anniversary of the Jamestown settlement this year and the queen's visiting to commemorate it and stuff, so there's all kinds of books and documentaries about it out). During that documentary, when they were talking about how it was one hundred men in the original settlement, my dirty mind was all, "Yep, there was some sodomy going on there!" And, look, I was (probably) right!

And, Lo, I Sayeth Unto You...

I am not the Lord your God, but an online quiz says I'm kinda sorta like him! And it was good.

Which God or Goddess are you like? Your Result: The Christian God You are the Holy Lord. You are the shepherd and those that follow you are your lambs. You are kind and patient, but when need be, you are vile and creul. You are often asked for advise or wisdom, and you willingly give it. Congratulations!! You are God!!
Budha
Jesus
Goddess Bast
You are your own God or Goddess
God Zeus
Goddess Sekhemet
Satan
Which God or Goddess are you like? Make Your Own Quiz

(Via Pharyngula)

Thoughts of the Average American Citizen

I don't actually think these are the thoughts of the average American citizen, since I don't think most people (American or not, BTW) are that self-reflective. I also don't think that a lot of people think, consciously or subconsciously, all of those things at once. And, of course, I also think that, on the whole, humanity is good and Americans are decent people and blah blah blah.

I also feel like a "liberal elitist" schmuck by linking to and semi-agreeing with the thoughts behind it, but then I feel like I'm just responding that way due to very effective right-wing propaganda programming over the past decade. And then I remember I'm a neurotic basket-case and shut up.

(Via Gawker)

Live Panda Sex Show!

Know how pandas are notoriously undersexed and that conservationists have found it difficult to get them to mate? Well, at least one panda couple have rocked the trailer quite hard. Apparently, all it took was a younger man. You go, girl!

Least Favorite Exercise

Mine is the push-up, definitely. I'm not a big exercise fan to begin with, but the push-up is especially irksome to me. What exercise do you hate?

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Roids and Rants [NSFW!]; Bill in Exile)

Star Tube

I'm not like a YouTube maniac, but I followed a link today to this Star Wars Robot Chicken clip and sort of got clicking about, upon which I found this Revenge of the Sith parody. Hilarioius they are! I'm such a geek, and I love it!

Just Out Of Curiosity...

...where do you get your porn? I ask just because my usual supplier (TLA, which is local to me and a great company I've always been happy with) has had me on backorder for an item for three weeks, and I just learned it'll probably be another two until it's shipped. Therefore, I'm thinking of looking around for someone else to fulfill it for me and cancelling the original one.

I'm ambivalent about the purchase anyway, though. It's my first and only straight porn purchase, a cheap compilation video (link NSFW) featuring that grody straight porn star that I have an irrational attraction to. I was serious when I said I'd endure yeasty vaginas for him; he's fug, but he cranks my chain.

Anyway, I was just curious as to what purveyors of pornography you guys prefer. And even if you shun the online smut emporia in favor of Ye Olde Friendly Neighborhood Porn Shoppe, still feel free to respond. I'm curious, and one never knows where one will find oneself in need of a local XXX establishment.

Moving Right Along

Both Serial Drama and Chris' Invincible Super-Blog have taken up housekeeping in new locations. Adjust your links and bookmarks accordingly!

Map Of Online Communities

We're probably a tiny little atoll in the Blogipelago, near the Wikipedia Islands. The Continent of Pornographica must lie to the East, past the Isle of Slash.

(Via Pharyngula)

The Sex Lives Of Animals

Hope yet for love for the picky Lonesome George.

Turtle schlong!

Duck sex: full of rape and huge wangs!

My Self-Worth

(Via Manhattan Offender)

All I Can Do Is Sigh And Nod My Head

The joys of unemployment/temping.

"Letter From A Japanese Crematorium"

Fascinating essay on one Japanese family's funeral for their grandmother. Very sad and beautiful.

(Via Maud Newton)

I'm Blinding You With SCIENCE!

Insects don't get fat, apparently.

Meerkat males are whores.

Being a night owl is genetic. Hear that, Mom? It's your genes that make me stay up all night!

Geekery Meets Classicism

‘T for Tiberius’: the original Star Trek

Molecular Biology Overload!

There's some fascinating results confirming the Laotian rock rat is the sole survivor of an ancient African lineage. But I link to the article more because those pictures are soooooooo cute! God, I've been reading Cute Overload! far too long.

"Life Is A Banquet, And Most Poor Suckers Are STARVING To Death!"

Caught one of my favorite movies of all time, Auntie Mame, the other night, appropriately enough on Logo. Is there no gay boy who doesn't dream of having an Auntie Mame? Or, to be more honest, be Auntie Mame? Brought to life by the incomparable Rosalind Russell, the larger-than-life aunt is every gay man's dream: glamorous parties, dashing beaux, madcap adventures, living life with zest and gusto and moxie, not taking crap from anyone!

Though I'm more like Auntie Lame (if, as the most famous line in the movie says, "life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death," I am an anorexic), I got to thinking about how my blogging life might stack up with Mame's.

This blog, of course, is Beekman Place.

Scott, you're my Vera, the drama queen star best friend, who never has too many martinis or mens. She's a drunken hoor, basically. Fits you to a T, eh?

GayProf, you're Agnes. Take off the glasses and you're Queen of Romania! And I just know you have a bust. Care for a Dr. Pepper?

Vince, you're O'Bannion, with poetry in your soul, and randy thoughts in your head.

Bigg and Gunn, you're my Ito and Norah. Just as Mame's faithful servants make her life possible, my blog simply wouldn't function without your faithful readership and commentary. Now, could one of you pick up my dry cleaning? Oh, and make sure you pay the butcher soon. Take the Duesenberg.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some sparkly capri pants with matching duster/cape to try on. *swirls out of the room, cigarette holder held aloft*

Skimpy Sundays

(Via Ellegedly)

But Will There Be Jetpacks?

The sci-fi future is now. Or, well, almost now. And it's up to us to make sure the cyberpunks aren't right! Or something.

(Via Bookslut)

Turn That Frown Upside Down, Writers!

Why so glum?

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover...

But should one judge a reader by their books? Between the Norton Anthologies and Forgotten Realms and Star Trek books on my shelves, one would judge this reader as a big nerd who was an English reader; you'd be right. What's it to ya?

(Via Bookninja)

"This FULLY OPERATIONAL Battlestation!"

The real Death Star[s].

Crocodile Matchmaking

Well, False Gharial Crocodile matchmaking, to be totally accurate. I love this quote: "'He has got the right stamina and right aggression so we are very hopeful,' his veterinarian Zainal Zahari told AP." Not every day you hear a person praising the sexual prowess of a reptile in terms more commonly attributed to porn stars!

I'm Not Even A Good Lay For MYSELF!

What's the worst thing in the world? Bad sex with yourself.

Have you ever settled down for a nice masturbation session, only to have it turn out... less than satisfying. The porn doesn't do anything for you, the mood isn't quite right, the friction isn't stimulating the genitals as it should, and you just can't get the fire of lust to spark in your brain? After an hour of changing porn, squirting on more and more lube (I need a lot, anyway; my penis is kinda sensitive) that gets more and more thick and gucky, it becomes a matter of stubbornness: "I started this, damnit, and I'm going to get an orgasm out of it!" Not exactly a good time.

Lights! Camera! Implausibility!

Only in the movies, folks.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Look Out! It's Godzilla!

Godzilla the Goose, that is.

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

Now In Cutevision!

Poor Frau Baer! A single mother of triplets!

"I'm scared, Mom!" "Don't be silly, Otto; Mommy won't let anything bad happen!"

(Via Cute Overload!)

Skimpy Sundays

*channeling Fergie* Guidolicious...

"How YOU doin'?"

(Via The Pretty Boys' Club)

Snake Bite

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.

"Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

If You're Ever In Philly...

...just look for the rainbows!

I Smell Summer Blockbuster!

Font: The Movie! Sad thing is, I'd probably see this movie given the chance. Probably not in the theaters, but definitely when it comes out on DVD. That's how nerdy I am, folks!

(Via Bookninja; Maud Newton)

SOMEONE At NYT Was Having A Flaming Day!

This is like something I'd put up here! I loooove a man in plain tighty-whities, but I also can appreciate the Underoos-for-grown-men thing, too. Maybe it says something disturbing about me, but I find them cute/hot.

Also, how can I get a job writing stuff about men's underwear?

Porn Removal

I've mentioned this problem before, but it's gotten even worse and I just don't know what to do! I have a big trash bag full of porn I no longer want, but don't know how to get rid of! There's nothing wrong with any of it, I just don't want it anymore. I don't just want to throw it out: not just because it's perfectly fine, but also because I don't want to have it sitting in a landfill polluting the planet. What do I do???

Shields Up!

Deflector shields may not just be science fiction someday.

Gymnasts

Is there anything in this world more beautiful than a male gymnast? The strength, the flexibility, the muscularity (ripped, but not overly puffy), the little shorts, the skin-tight singlets... Just thinking about what those boys could probably do with their bodies (and yours) is enough to send me for the smelling salts.

The Great Literary Genre Of Our Day...

...toilet stall scribbles!

It Sure Beats A Cardboard Box In The Backyard

An ancient dog went to meet Hades in style. He's probably still sniffing butts with Cerberus.

(Via rogueclassicism)

Is Nothing Sacred?

How can they even think of remaking Clash of the Titans? It had Laurence Olivier as Zeus! It had claymation! It had men in tiny little tunics, showing off their tight asses and sculpted legs... Wait, why am I irate again?

(Via rogueclassicism)

Medievalist Say The Darnedest (Smart) Things

A medievalist considers the linguistic peculiarities of "y'all."

A medievalist who is also a Tolkienist reacts to some forms of Tolkien criticism and then shows how it should be done.

Star Wars Re-View

Okay, I've had this damn thing sitting in my drafts folder since the beginning of December. I haven't even opened it up and worked it since the New Year. So, fuck it, I'm done trying to make it perfect, so I'm throwing it out there with no further ado.

I've gone through the Star Wars hexilogy (or whatever the hell six connected movies is called) in HD via Comcast OnDemand on our new plasma TV.

The Original Trilogy actually holds up pretty well. There are a lot of things, though, that, when you stop and think... it's not that they don't make sense, but that they seem kinda rushed. In A New Hope, it's mostly a matter of character timelines: the characters just seem to get way too chummy way to fast. Now, being thrown together in a dangerous situation can made bedfellows out of the most disparate characters, but there is a certain... intimacy that just seems to come out of nowhere.

Empire Strikes Back, while definitely the best of the Original Trilogy, has a huge timeline issue. Luke is on Dagobah for about two days, apparently, before cutting his training short and going to Cloud City, yet apparently learns everything he needs to know to be a Jedi. But, whatever, because nothing will ever top "Luke I am your father!" and "Noooooooooooo!", nor "I am not a committee! *Threepio squawks as the Millennium Falcon shakes in the asteroid "cave"*"

Return of the Jedi is actually pretty good in terms of timeline and characterization. And I like the Ewoks, and I don't care who knows it! (I had a Wicket teddy bear when I was a child, as well as an R2-D2 toybox. I wish I'd kept them in good condition, since they'd probably be worth money by now, especially the toybox. Unfortunately, the toybox was very roughly treated and kinda fell apart. Poor Wicket lost his hat and, several years later, was the recipient of my dear, departed Dusty's pubescent.... attentions.) There's also the whole triumphing over the Empire and redeeming Darth Vader stuff, which is all uplifting and crap. But there's something, some spark, missing from it. I think it's the lack of time on the Millennium Falcon, to be honest. Except for Lando in the cockpit, we hardly see it! I don't know why, but that really takes something away from the movie. Or maybe the lack of Falcon represents what's the real issue: that, more than in any other of the Original Trilogy, the gang are all off doing different things most of the time. The times when everyone, or even a large percentage of everyone, is together and interacting is relatively low, which takes something, some charm or chemistry, away from the movie.

The Phantom Menace

...still sucks. And it's not, as a lot of people seem to think, Jar Jar Binks' fault (though he doesn't particularly add to anything and they went way overboard with that ridiculous accent), but the AWFUL writing and acting. The original cast somehow made the horrible lines somewhat believable, or at least campily fun, but even such esteemed actors as Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson can't muster up enough enthusiasm to make their material work. Liam Neeson, in particular, often seems to be silently conveying the message, "What the hell am I doing here?!?" And I don't care what anyone says, I don't like Natalie Portman. I also pity the poor kid who played Anakin, because the lines Lucas came up with for HIM are even more excruciating and eye-roll-inducing than those of the rest of them. He talks like an adult, but a really boring, stilted one. His mom kinda rocks, though. Oh, and Yoda is a lot cooler as a puppet in a swamp than a puppet in a council room or a CGI creature kicking ass, as we'll see throughout this and the succeeding two movies.

Attack of the Clones

AotC actually turns out better on re-viewing. The romance isn't nearly as annoying as it is in RotS (more on that in a sec), though still rather inexplicable. I mean, you can see it from Anakin's POV, idealizing this pretty older girl he met ten years earlier and hasn't seen since and getting his hormones all worked up about her, but not from Amidala's POV. She just sort of falls in love with him because he's there and reasonably attractive. Hayden Christensen is also much better at lighthearted banter and action than he is at strong emotion. He just looks kinda pouty and petulant in the latter state (more on that in a second, too). Ironically, I saw a mini-documentary OnDemand that went along with the movies where George Lucas says that he picked Christensen because he did dark better than light. Errr... yeaaaaaaah, George. Whatever you say.

My favorite part of the movie is Jango and Boba Fett. My friend and I call young Boba "the surly kid" because he's always either being rude or really, really into killing people, and it is awesome. But then it's Boba F'n Fett, so what else did you expect? Jango is both hot and dangerous. And the moment at the end where Boba touches his forehead to Jango's decapitated head/helmet, while sort of creepy if you think about it, is rather touching.

Darth Tyranus/Dooku (which is stupid-sounding name in a whole galaxy of stupid names) was woefully undeveloped, especially in light of the ignominious ending he gets in the next movie. I know he's more developed in the Clone War cartoons and the comics and books and such, but in terms of the movies he just doesn't cut it as a villain (which is a shame considering how awesome Christopher Lee is). I blame that stupid cape. Only Lando can wear one of them and [kinda] get away with it. Frankly, I would have preferred Darth Maul be resurrected or something.

Revenge of the Sith

Overall, I think Hayden Christensen was miscast. He seemed more petulant than conflicted on the road to evil. Not that petulance can't be an expression of evil, but I just don't think that's what they were actively going for, so it doesn't sit right. Plus, he and Natalie Portman have flat chemistry, making the "romantic" dialogue even clunkier and painful than it would have been regardless. Natalie Portman also had nothing to do in this movie except be pregnant and die. The spunk and moxie her character shows in the other movies is entirely lacking; she goes from an active participant, to a mostly passive plot point. I mean, you can't have a pregnant lady running around shooting things like in the first two movies (especially in strategically ripped white jumpsuits), but I think they went too far the other way. I also think Portman was very unhappy with this turn for the character because, though as I said above I don't like her, it's obvious that she just gave the hell up by this movie. She was much livelier and more engaged in the first two movies.

The movie is absolutely gorgeous. Of all six movies, RotS is the most beautiful. And the action is really good, too.

One thread thing that runs throughout the prequels, which I hadn't really noticed before, and comes to full flower at the end, is fatherhood. Anakin doesn't have a father (literally), so one of the foundations of the whole trilogy is his relationships with father surrogates. Qui-Gon is the first, the one who recognizes that he's special, that takes him away from slavery and into the Jedi Order. Ben starts out as a mentor father-figure, though it turns into a brotherhood sort of thing in a way I would think is common with single fathers left to raise their sons alone. But the biggest, in many ways, father relationship is with Palpatine. It's a twisted, dysfunctional relationship, but it's undeniably important. And, surprisingly, it's not (just) one of Palpatine's plots. While he undoubtedly uses it as a lever to turn Anakin to the Dark Side, you do get the feeling that he genuinely cares for him, in a very dark way. His concern for Anakin's life (and this just may be Ian McDiarmid's superior acting) is palpable when he finds the burnt remnants of his new apprentice on Mustafar, for example. And he's a very bizarre "proud papa" at the moment of Darth Vader's "birth." There's also a similar paternal streak running through the Original Trilogy, with Obi-Wan and Vader the ultimate good dad/bad dad contrast.

Random

I really don't know if Lucas intended it, but by the end of the prequels, you're left with the strong belief that the Jedi were a bunch of dicks. For me, anyway, they kinda deserved what they got. Their arrogance and aloofness made it almost pitifully easy for Palpatine to take them down. Their arrogance (though often rather subtle) is understandable what with the superpowers and all, and forgivable for the fact that they mostly go around do-gooding, but it can't have endeared them to many, and blinds them to their own shortcomings and mistakes. Being aloof can work for a mystical order of monks who actually don't interact much with the world, but not when you're a mystical order of monks who go out into the galaxy and kick ass all the time. One can't be both inward- and outward-looking, but the Jedi somehow try to do both, and it's part of their problem. And because they're all "above" it, they're also dangerously naive, politically. "Politicians bad!", while perhaps true, is not a terribly instructive or constructive opinion to hold when you're working for them. They also really feel that they're perfectly right and superior: the attempted Jedi coup proved that.

Both Sith and Jedi want order, though in different ways, with the Sith wanting a perfect empire to rule for all time, and the Jedi a perfect utopia of peace and justice. But they both fail, as all tyrannical ideologies fail, because perfection and perfect control, of the galaxy or even one's self, are impossible. The universe is a chaotic and unpredictable place, and always will be, no matter how hard one tries.

Both orders are also too concerned with feeling and not enough with thinking: the Sith wallow in passion and greed and every other emotion, whereas the Jedi bottle their emotions up, all while at the same time relying on them, "searching" their feelings and impulses to find the "correct" course of action. They think too highly of themselves and their abilities with the Force to ever even consider that they can't find all the answers just by looking inwards to themselves (either individually or within the Jedi Order more broadly). A good dose of rationality and critical thinking would help them enormously.

C-3P0 and R2-D2 rock. They rock hard. Really, the whole saga is all about them; screw the Skywalkers, it's the droids! Also, despite the fact that Anthony Daniels is apparently actually a dirty old man who likes young women and it's just his Britishness that makes him seem gay, C-3P0 is the gayest, most fabulous android ever! I seriously wanted to be him when I was young.

I want Amidala's outfits! Even the white jumpsuit!

Captain Antilles, the commander of the Tantive IV, one of Bail Organa's aides? Dreamy. Blink and you'll miss him, though. I also love and totally want those Alderaanian poncho things they were wearing.

Ian McDiarmid obviously had fun camping it up, and I for one loved that. It was an aspect of the Original Trilogy that was sorely lacking, otherwise, from the prequels.

Ewan McGregor is hot, not that that's really news or anything. I'd be his Padawan (so I can call him "Master," of course) any day! It was scary, though, how much like Alec Guinness he progressively looked over the course of the prequels.

So that's my ginormous Star Wars review that took about ten thousand years to post. May the Force be with you, always!

Skimpy Sundays

(Via The Pretty Boys' Club; Gay Fleshbot)

Saturday the 14th

OMG, I can't believe we survived Friday the 13th! I thought for sure we were doomed! But all is well... until next time! *dun dun DUN*

I Feel Weird

I never read Kurt Vonnegut. I've only ever seen him as an old man doing interviews on things liek The Daily Show, and, to be honest, I thought he came off kind of like a dick. But the Internet is awash in rent veils and gnashed teeth over his death and I feel... kind of bad for not really giving a crap.

Shocking Revelation: Gays Drive!

We drive cars, even! Oh, we Gays are such cards! (But I'm a bad Gay because I drive a truck, and not even a big, burly, beary, "straight-acting" truck, but a four-cylinder Sonoma that I adore, but really need to clean.) Automotive transportation: just another part of our plan to destroy America!

Sidebar Welcomes

If you've ever even just watched a soap one day when you had the flu in 1984, Serial Drama is a must read! It's side-splittingly hilarious about the mind-numbingly bad storylines, characters, and fashions of some of today's soaps. For any General Hospital fan, it's a much-needed dose of snark on a horrible, horrible show (that we can't stop watching because we are sick, sick human beings).

My rampant Anglophilia forces me to include the anglo-licious Think of England. Very thought-provoking and very British. What's not to love?

Friday The 13th!

OMG, it's Friday the 13th and we're all going to die because Friday the 13s are BAD! I'm scared, you guys!

Typing Tetchiness

I try my best not to be a snob or judgemental in any way. But I can't help but take pride in my typing skills and cannot stand those who can't (or won't) capitalize or punctuate or space correctly! I know everyone isn't a great typer, but it just doesn't look right. There is a Shift key and space bar and a Return key for a reason, people!

A blog post or email that's nothing but lowercase letters and ellipses-in-place-of-other-punctuation and inexplicably formatted paragraphs, which are disconcertingly common, is enough to make me scream. Even on a cruising site like ManHunt, nothing turns me off faster than an almost illegible profile or a message that has nothing nothing but lowercase "i"s. (Yet another reason why I don't get laid.) Just as bad are those who ABUSE THE CAPS LOCK AND THUS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE SCREAMING ALL THE TIME. Either "style" makes it difficult to actually read what people have written. It also makes me, at least, less interested in trying to figure it out anyway. I don't want to give myself a headache or spend ten minutes deciphering hieroglyphics to figure out how someone's day was or what someone's preferred fisting position is.

The purpose of writing is to impart information to another person or persons with a minimum of confusion and a maximum of clarity. Proper typing goes a long way towards communicating your message clearly. So start typing better or no one will know, or even care, what the hell you're saying!

Why Is The Sky Blue? Why Is The Grass Orange?

Plants on other planets wouldn't necessarily be green. Cool.

What I've never understood, though, are the plants here on Earth that aren't green. We have a Japanese cherry tree in our front yard and it's leaves are like really dark purpley-red. How can it be that color and still undergo photosynthesis? Is there something different about its chlorophyll? Gunn, you're a horticulturist, enlighten me!

Farewell, Cruel World!

A raccoon with suicidal thoughts gets a second chance.

"Going Down The Shops, Love! Be Back In An Hour!"

A British cat has taken to public transportation. What an environmentally conscious kitty!

(Via PhDiva)

Andrenaline Phobic

A lot of people are adrenaline junkies. They love the rush of endorphins when they skydive or go on a rollercoaster or do anything new and unexpected. I really think that I'm the opposite of that: allergic to adrenaline. Adrenaline doesn't make me feel good, it makes me a sweaty, shaky mess. And my threshold is really low: all it takes is a little deviation from routine or a little bit of change to send me into a jittery state. My stomach gets twisted, I shake a little, I get very pensive and quiet, and waves of dread run through my mind and body. That sure ain't no high; it's a low, more like. So add that to the long list of things that are wrong with me.

Opposites Attract

Gay readers: Is there a straight male porn star that you find so hot that you'll actually brave the vagina-strewn fields of straight porndom to watch? Conversely, female readers (I'm thinking mainly straight female here, but if I have any lesbian sistren in the audience, you're welcome to participate), is there a gay porn star you brave depictions of "the love that dare not speak its name" to watch?

I ask because there is this one straight porn star that really gets my motor going. He's been in several of those "behind the scenes of the porn industry" documentaries HBO does, as well as being in Skinemax softcore productions. He's kinda smarmy and dirty, but he just does something for me, so much so that I've actually contemplating buying some icky yeast-filled porn just to watch him! So I was just curious if anyone else had a thing like this.

Book Cave

For the literate Cro-Magnon: The Cave!

(Via Bookninja)

Wild Irish Ho's

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

What A Way To Make A Living!

Personally, I don't really go for gay icons like Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, and Barbra Streisand. Even Madonna, whom I once adored, has lost her place in my little faggoty heart. But I will have nothing said against Miss Dolly Parton! 9 to 5 and Steel Magnolias were important parts of my gay childhood. And how can you not love a woman who not only has her own theme park, but describes herself as a drag queen trapped in a woman's body?

To this day, I occasionally belt out a rousing chorus of "Working 9 to 5" in my best Dolly Parton voice. Fergie and Charlotte don't approach my level of awesome, of course, but they do a creditable tribute to Miss Dolly.

(Via Perez Hilton)

It's Not Where You Live, It's Who You Are That Counts

I understand hometown pride. Though I'm from its Jersey satellites, my family is from Philly and I don't like it when it's disparaged; as a Jersey native, I also get just a titch touchy about all the put-downs about my home state. But some people just seem to spend waaaay too much time and energy fighting over what city/region/country is better than/worse than/just as good as some other city/region/country, or that everyone from such-and-such is an asshole loser with an inferiority complex that no one cares about, while all the people from such-and-so are soooooooo cool, and, really, who cares? If the most interesting thing about you is where you live, you're as dull as I am!

(New Yorkers seem to be the worst in this way, BTW. They're mind-bogglingly parochial in their cosmopolitanism. And such internecine strife! It's all, "Oh, this borough is better than that borough!" and "People who live in such-and-such neighborhood or do such-and-so for a living are douchebags!" and "Only *I* am a true New Yorker!" and "Things used to be so much better before X started moving in!" Seriously, New Yorkers are concerned with "ideological" purity enough to make any 1940s Soviet kommissar blush! To be honest, all the anxiety about who is and is not a New Yorker just makes my little internal psychoanalyst think that they're none too secure in their own bona fides.)

Guess what? People like different things! Therefore, what is heaven to one is hell to another. And no one place in the world has an absolute monopoly on arts, culture, nightlife, cheesesteaks, assholes, douchebags, or anything. Different places have different mixtures that appeal to different people. So just chill and deal with it, people! There's no need to be so touchy and argumentative about the whole thing. It really doesn't matter all that much.

There's nothing wrong with a little hometown/regional/national pride. Just keep a sense of proportion and empathy to the whole matter. People are people, wherever you go. You just have to find the right people and all will be well.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

Aspirations

Oh, to be a nineteenth-century Irish archbishop!

I Did Not Know That!

Dogs show the greatest variation in size of all mammals, apparently due, for the most part, to a single gene mutation. Fascinating.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Hot4Kum69!

What Would Jesus Really Do?

Recommendation

Question for all my gays: Have you found a really good daily facewash, preferably for combination skin? Because I've never really found one that rocks my world. And, no, I'm not going to buy some Prada $500 seaweed gunk like a stereotypical labelwhore; I'm talking about something fairly reasonably priced that could be found at one's local supermarket or pharmacy.

Luckily, He Probably Won't Procreate

There's really nothing to say about an exchange such as this. Good God, man, lots of us don't get any ass, but that doesn't mean we get to discriminate against whatever group won't give us some! Gah!

(Via Inside Higher Ed)

Sidebar Welcome

Today, we welcome the delightfully Francophilic L'amour et le crane into the exclusive and distinguished company known as the Bourgeois Nerd sidebar. Wilkommen, Frau Sidonia!

Tech Support Wasn't Any Better Long, Long Ago

Imperial Email

Funnily enough, my own email address (mandalorin@hotmail.com) is Star Wars related, too. Anyone know how? Calling all nerds!

I'm Such A Martyr!

You’re St. Justin Martyr! You have a positive and hopeful attitude toward the world. You think that nature, history, and even the pagan philosophers were often guided by God in preparation for the Advent of the Christ. You find “seeds of the Word” in unexpected places. You’re patient and willing to explain the faith to unbelievers. Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers.

(Via rogueclassicism)

Bunny!

Bunny!

Site Meter

Is it just me, or is Site Meter being really unresponsive the past few days? As a compulsive site statistics checker, I'm always clicking to see who is reading, but lately it seems to take a long time to get to the Detail view. It's very frustrating.

Answer To A Burning Question

During my recent drive for questions, Note asked:

Even though you have a bad track record with the sex (thus far), what kind of fantasy kiss makes your knees melt?

What makes a good kiss? Truthfully, I just don't know! I haven't done a lot of kissing in my life. Thus far, I haven't been much impressed. Indeed, I've found that I have a bit of sexual ADD: I get bored very quickly with any sexual act, from kissing to oral to whatever. I'm kinda sure (and hoping) it's just due to the lackluster sexing I've gotten so far, though.

Anyway, the best kiss I ever had was a rather unexpected one at my Ye Olde Friendlye Neighborhoode Pornne Shoppe. There was an older gentleman who worked there who took a bit of a shine to me. So one time, while browsing, he came from behind the counter and, well, started kissing and fondling me. I was a bit taken aback, and, frankly, I didn't find him terribly attractive, but I thought: "Eh, what the heck!" To my surprise he was a great kisser! He was firm, but gentle, moist, but not slobbering.

So I guess my dream kiss would have those characteristics, connected to a smart, funny, witty man, probably older and woofy and willing to sweep me off my feet to a life of glamour and happiness. (Hey, he said fantasy kiss, remember!)