Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Four years is a long time on the blogosphere; this here ramble of stuff and nonsense has, inexplicably, outlasted many a more worthy and popular blog. I guess I'm just having too much fun. Or I don't know when to quit. Or this is a lot cheaper than therapy, and less annoying for my friends. Whatever.
Anyway, I want to thank each and every reader for putting up with me for so long. A special shout-out to the commenters who've taken the time to converse, especially all my blog-friends. You'll be happy (?) to know I have no intention of stopping any time soon, and certainly not before I hit five years next New Year's Eve!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
1. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special."
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There's no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Friday, December 26, 2008
To be fair, I came across it rather late, so my wonderful mother (seriously, she's the best, and I will brook no challenge to that fact) just didn't have the time. And, no, I'm not actually upset, and loved all of my other gifts. Still, I really want one!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Dear Santa: OMG, Make These People Stop Caterwauling and Butchering These Christmas Songs!
"Let It Snow" Jessica Simpson
Jessica, go blow that football player of yours and leave our ears in peace!
"Santa Clause Lane (North Pole Mix)"; "Sleigh Ride" Hilary Duff
I had blood coming out of my ears.
"Christmas Eve" Celine Dion
Celine is sort of awesome in her cheesy craziness, but this song is just an aural abortion.
"Family Christmas" Lizzie West
I seem to have blocked this song from my memory, which pretty much tells you all you need to know.
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" Jump 5
I don't know who this Jump 5 group is, but they need to jump away from the microphone.
"Christmas Bells" Natalie Cole
Sorry, Ms. Cole, your father was great, but you? Not so much. And your other Christmas songs (I guess you did an album) are no better.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" Jackson 5
Sure, it's cute the first time you hear it, but the more you listen to Before-He-Was-Crazy-and-Broke-and-a-White-Woman Michael, the more annoying it is.
"This Christmas" Destiny's Child
Have yourself a melismatic Christmas with Beyonce and those two other bitches! Just take your alter ego and your cyborg hand and go home to Jay-Z, Beyonce.
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" Martina McBride
Way to ruin one of my favorite Christmas songs, whoever you are (American Idol contestant?)!
Weird Songs That Grow on You
"Another Rock and Roll Christmas" Gary Glitter
It's weird to listen to and enjoy, because he's a sex offender, but it's a catchy song.
"Christmas All Over Again" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
I actually don't like Tom Petty at all due to scarring exposure as a youth to that weird-ass Alice in Wonderland video he, but I like this song.
Weird Songs That Are Just Weird
"Mistletoe and Holly" Frank Sinatra
Any song where Frank Sinatra is sing-talking (because he doesn't really SING, you know) words like "oh my gosh, my golly" is just... wrong!
"Christmas Time" Smashing Pumpkins
Billy Corgan moaning about Christmas in a Klonopin stupor sure is my idea of holiday cheer!
Singers and Groups Whose Overall Christmas Oeuvre Is Actually Pretty Awesome
He might have gotten fat, but he could sing. A-thank you, thank you very much!
Makes you want to decorate the old palm tree and fire up the yule log on the Hibachi!
Funkified, Technified, Even Discofied That Are Really Awesome, Actually
It's weird, but there seems to be a trend to take old Christmas songs and put a beat under them. It's surprisingly effective.
"What Child Is This?" Source
"White Christmas" Bing Crosby
"Winter Wonderland" Vic Damone
"White Christmas" Big Maybelle
"What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" (I didn't catch the singer of this one.)
"I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm" Kay Starr
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" Rosemary Clooney
"The Christmas Song (Michael Kesslef Open Fire Remix)" Mel Torme
"Winter Wonderland" Madison Park vs. Lenny B
Christmas Songs I Never Knew I Liked
"Christmas Means Love" Joan Osborne
Women I Love, But Who Just Not Do Christmas Songs
Christmas Songs That I Now Associate With Summer More Than Christmas Due to Insidious Power of Advertising
"Most Wonderful Time of the Year" Andy Williams
Staples has a lot to answer for, though, frankly, I don't care, because I don't much like it anyway.
Song That Plays at Christmastime That Just Isn't A Christmas Song
"My Favorite Things"
The closest it gets to Christmas is mittens!
Christmas Songs That Just Suck and Should Go Away
"Home for the Holidays"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Battle of Pelennor Fields as Tolkien intended: In candy. Mmmmmmm... orcs...
Dalek Christmas Tree. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like shrill cries of "Exterminate!" coming from your tree!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008