Christmas Carol Craptacular

So I've now enjoyed (both ironically and genuinely) several weeks of Christmas carols at work. In that time, I've heard some terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible Christmas songs (and some pretty good ones). Below, I categorize my findings. What better way to celebrate the holiday?

Dear Santa: OMG, Make These People Stop Caterwauling and Butchering These Christmas Songs!

"Let It Snow" Jessica Simpson
Jessica, go blow that football player of yours and leave our ears in peace!

"Santa Clause Lane (North Pole Mix)"; "Sleigh Ride" Hilary Duff
I had blood coming out of my ears.

"Christmas Eve" Celine Dion
Celine is sort of awesome in her cheesy craziness, but this song is just an aural abortion.

"Family Christmas" Lizzie West
I seem to have blocked this song from my memory, which pretty much tells you all you need to know.

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" Jump 5
I don't know who this Jump 5 group is, but they need to jump away from the microphone.

"Christmas Bells" Natalie Cole
Sorry, Ms. Cole, your father was great, but you? Not so much. And your other Christmas songs (I guess you did an album) are no better.

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" Jackson 5
Sure, it's cute the first time you hear it, but the more you listen to Before-He-Was-Crazy-and-Broke-and-a-White-Woman Michael, the more annoying it is.

"This Christmas" Destiny's Child
Have yourself a melismatic Christmas with Beyonce and those two other bitches! Just take your alter ego and your cyborg hand and go home to Jay-Z, Beyonce.

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" Martina McBride
Way to ruin one of my favorite Christmas songs, whoever you are (American Idol contestant?)!

Weird Songs That Grow on You

"Another Rock and Roll Christmas" Gary Glitter
It's weird to listen to and enjoy, because he's a sex offender, but it's a catchy song.

"Christmas All Over Again" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
I actually don't like Tom Petty at all due to scarring exposure as a youth to that weird-ass Alice in Wonderland video he, but I like this song.

Weird Songs That Are Just Weird

"Mistletoe and Holly" Frank Sinatra
Any song where Frank Sinatra is sing-talking (because he doesn't really SING, you know) words like "oh my gosh, my golly" is just... wrong!

"Christmas Time" Smashing Pumpkins
Billy Corgan moaning about Christmas in a Klonopin stupor sure is my idea of holiday cheer!

Singers and Groups Whose Overall Christmas Oeuvre Is Actually Pretty Awesome

Elvis
He might have gotten fat, but he could sing. A-thank you, thank you very much!

Beach Boys
Makes you want to decorate the old palm tree and fire up the yule log on the Hibachi!

Funkified, Technified, Even Discofied That Are Really Awesome, Actually

It's weird, but there seems to be a trend to take old Christmas songs and put a beat under them. It's surprisingly effective.

"What Child Is This?" Source

"White Christmas" Bing Crosby

"Winter Wonderland" Vic Damone

"White Christmas" Big Maybelle

"What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" (I didn't catch the singer of this one.)

"I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm" Kay Starr

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" Rosemary Clooney

"The Christmas Song (Michael Kesslef Open Fire Remix)" Mel Torme

"Winter Wonderland" Madison Park vs. Lenny B

Christmas Songs I Never Knew I Liked

"Christmas Waltz"

"Christmas Means Love" Joan Osborne

Women I Love, But Who Just Not Do Christmas Songs

Cyndi Lauper

Christmas Songs That I Now Associate With Summer More Than Christmas Due to Insidious Power of Advertising

"Most Wonderful Time of the Year" Andy Williams
Staples has a lot to answer for, though, frankly, I don't care, because I don't much like it anyway.

Song That Plays at Christmastime That Just Isn't A Christmas Song

"My Favorite Things"
The closest it gets to Christmas is mittens!

Christmas Songs That Just Suck and Should Go Away

"Home for the Holidays"