Friday, May 31, 2013

Revenge Of The Rant

It's been a good long while since I had a nice Star Wars rant, but I just watched Revenge of the Sith again, and I'm SO MAD at George Lucas, you guys! He's totally incompetent!

We're supposed to be sad and shocked by the extermination of the Jedi Order. Except he has given us not ONE reason why we should see this as a loss to the galaxy at large! They're incompetents, hypocrites, and ineffectual to boot! Master Yoda gets his ass kicked by the Emperor, and Obi-Wan doesn't finish the job offing Vader! The Jedi executed by Order 66 didn't sense a thing in the Force! One defeat, and Obi-Wan and Yoda go hide instead of keeping on fighting! Their whole prophecy of "The One Who Will Bring Balance to the Force" is totally misinterpreted, from what it means to who actually is The Chosen One.  (Oh, Yoda graciously drops that the prophecy may have been "misread" HALFWAY INTO THE LAST MOVIE.)  And, you know, Palpatine wasn't entirely lying when he said the Jedi were plotting to overthrow the Senate, because they were (in the interests of "stability" and "temporarily).  Mace Windu, also, totally went un-Jedi when he threatened extrajudicial killing of Palpatine because he was too dangerous alive.  This is actually one thing I think was intentional, as a callback to Anakin killing Dooku.  But that still leaves us with a Jedi Master we're supposed to be rooting for teetering on the edge of the Dark Side! 

And this makes you realize that, actually, if you think back to the original trilogy, Obi-Wan and Yoda are WRONG ABOUT THE WHOLE THING! They want Luke not to go off and save Han and Leia, not to try to redeem his father but instead kill him, and insist there is nothing left of Anakin, only Vader. And in each and every case, THEY'RE WRONG! Why am I supposed to be upset that this order is dismantled again?  Really, the whole point of the movie seems to be to destroy a beloved puppet-guru and make him a stupid-ass CGI frog with grammar issues.  

Now, if one were willing to give Lucas credit, one could say that he actually does want us to see that the old Jedi Order was a failed institution, and that Luke following his heart and going against Obi-Wan and Yoda to find success shows that his Order will be a better one.  And then one could credit him with having that idea in 19dicketydoo and following thru with it as a subtext in 19/20whatever.  One could, but I won't, because George Lucas has given us not one scintilla of a reason to give him that credit.  This is the man who maintains that the Star Wars saga is the story of Anakin and always was.  Anakin, a petulant moron whose "specialness" is never once shown, but instead repeatedly told.  This is also the man who thought Jar-Jar Binks was a great idea.  

Also, the sheer incompetence of the script, not just dialogue ("Hold me. Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo, when there was only our love!") or plot-wise, but simple CHRONOLOGICAL CONTINUITY is astounding. Characters know information in one scene that is only provided in following scenes! For instance, Yoda calls Palpatine "the emperor" BEFORE PALPATINE DECLARES THE DISSOLUTION OF THE REPUBLIC AND THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE EMPIRE! Padme runs off to Mustafar over the objections of her security detail because the fighting is over BEFORE ANAKIN IS ORDERED BY PALPATINE TO DEACTIVATE THE DRONE ARMIES!!!! GLARCHEN;OHN;IUAHNJ

There's so much more stupidity, too.  Yoda just declares that Luke should be "with his family," which means Owen and Beru Lars. You know, the stepbrother and his wife that Anakin met exactly ONCE and wasn't particularly friendly towards that time, either. And he just assumes they'll be willing to take a baby it! They do, but how on earth (or Tatooine) do you just presume something like that?  Not to mention that sending a baby you're trying to hide to the father you're trying to hide him from's home planet with the name intact is stupid to begin with. 

This is really getting nitpicky but my dudgeon is up, Padme's ship makes absolutely no sense dimensionally. It has several rooms and corridors, but if you actually look at it from the outside, THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN FIT THEM IN THERE!!!! 
Add in that ships seem to not have hyperdrives providing faster-than-light travel, but apparently straight-up wormholes that allow instantaneous travel from Coruscant to Mustafar. 

Oh, and, there's this, too: When that blue guy who is Palpatine's assistant calls Bail Organa, OBI-WAN AND YODA ARE SITTING RIGHT THERE!!!! Yet Blue Guy fails to register that two WANTED JEDI are flying straight for Coruscant on a Senator's ship!!!!

So, NEWSFLASH: the "best" of the Star Wars prequel trilogy is utter and complete Hutt shit.  Damnit, Disney, the new movies better be a lot flippin' better than this!    

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