Crazy Christmas Carols

Every holiday season, as soon as we return from Thanksgiving, the Muzak at work turns to the Holiday channel and we're treated to a month of Christmas cheer in song form... as well as a whole lot of shitty versions of treasured classics like "Last Christmas" and "Jingle Bell Rock" by every warbling tween-queen, emo-boy "rock band," and R&B melisma-machine out there. And then there are ones that are just weird. Some are good, some are bad, but they're definitely not Nat King Cole crooning about chestnuts.

They're dead now, so I can safely say that Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby's "We Wish You The Merriest" is awful. It's like they both have a stutter, or a short-term memory problem.

Apparently this has been around for a long time, and has several versions, but "Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus" is a new one to me. I have to say, it's weird, but I like it. The version I heard was by something called Guster, and is very sort of twee in that indie rock way. (It wouldn't be out of place in a Wes Anderson movie, like that fox movie that just came out.) But yet, I still really dig it. Sure beats "Feliz Navidad" in the Hispanic-Christmas-song-in-mostly-English sweepstakes.

I'm a proud Irishman, but "Christmas in Killarney" is absolute shit. Christmas just ain't jiggy.

You've never truly said What. The. Fuck?! until you've listened at least once to Willie motherfuckin' Nelson warble "Deck The Halls." Someone was soooooooooooooooo high when he came up with that one. When he sings "Falalalalalala," it is physically painful.