Thursday, January 29, 2009

What Is Love?

What with the new year, turning 26 last October, and Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, I've been wondering: What's it like being in love? It really is an impossible question to answer in any satisfactory manner, because it's an ineffable feeling that people have been trying to put into words since time immemorial with no totally clear and universal success, but it's still been on my mind. I feel, lately, that as much as I need a good few bouts of wild sex (and do I ever), that I need a little love in my life, too. I've never been in love, you know. I'm 26 and I've never been in love. I've had plenty of crushes, but that's a totally different thing.

I'm afraid of love, though, too. I'm afraid I'd just be no good at it. I like my routine, and I'd have to, like, do stuff and talk to the lover and it might interfere with my napping schedule. I fear I'm too selfish. I'm not so much afraid of having my heart broken as breaking someone's heart. I don't want to cause anyone any pain ever. I don't want to be someone's "horrible break-up" story or that "asshole ex of mine." I don't want anyone to think ill of me, or prove I'm a bad person. (It is a bit self-regarding, though, that I think I'd be the one who'd do the heartbreaking. Even when I'm worried about hurting other people, it's really all about me! I'm such a narcissist.)

So, basically, I want love, but am terrified of it because I'm lazy, tenderhearted and over-empathetic, and don't want to be the asshole bad guy. Sounds about right for me. It's a bit of a moot point, of course, since it's hardly knocking down my door and shows no sign of doing so.

1 comment:

ricola said...

Don't be afraid of it.
I know the feeling. I was afraid of it, and I not only broke someone else's heart but my own as well.

When it comes take it.