Monday, June 08, 2009

TWoP General Hospital Forum FAQ (Summer 2009)

Before we begin to explore the elaborate jargon created to deal with the horror that is modern General Hospital, let us pray for strength and peace...

Jasus, grant me the serenity to endure this show until it gets better again. The courage to FF through the irritating parts to the good parts. And the wisdom to remember what the writers wrote two months ago, because they can't. ( DocHopper)

Couples


Scrubs: Patrick and Robin.

Liason Jason and Liz.

Soily: Sonny and Emily. We like to forget that coupling ever happened (skeevy!), but it comes up from time to time.

LnL2: Liz and Lucky.

Sason: Sonny and Jason. The love that dare not speak its name.

JaSam: Jason and Sam.


Spixie: Spinelli and Maxie.

Acronyms

PFMs: Poo-Flinging Monkeys. The bunch of incompetent hacks who "write" this awful, awful show.

BSC!: Bat-Shit Crazy! Used often as a prefix, as in "BSC!Sam."

xxx!xxx: The exlamation point is often used as an intensifier when talking about the
most prominent trait of a character or storyline, since subtlety isn't GH's strong suit. Thus, crazy Sam is now BSC!Sam, a drugged out Lucky is Pills!Lucky, an ectoplasmic Alan is Ghost!Alan, etc.

SWMNBN: She Who Must Not Be Named. The not-at-all-dearly-missed Courtney. Also known as CopKilla, Whoretney, and a host of other nicknames bestowed on her with love. The kind of love that's really the putrid bile of hate.

TIIC: The Idiots In Charge. Again, the "writers" who inflict all of this pain and torment upon us.

TFGH: Typical Fucking General Hospital, or Totally Fucking General Hospital, or That Fucking General Hospital, or... you get the picture.

SORAS: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. The Soapworld pandemic whose major symptom is a strange localized distortion in the timestream that allows soap children to go away to camp or boarding school or even just their bedroom one age, and come back ten years older, usually either a hot teen stud or a gorgeous vixen.

NULO[X]H: No Upper Limit On [Insert Character] Hate. Most common derivation: NULO[Carly]H and NULO[Lulu]H. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that shrieking shrew (either one)!

ABCD: ABC Daytime, the division of the network charged with overseeing the network's soap operas. Not doing a terribly fine job of it, considering the low-quality of said soaps in recent years.

BB: Brandon Barash (Johnny)

SBr: Sarah Brown (Claudia/Carly v. 1.0)

GV: Greg Vaughan (Lucky)

JB: Julie Berman (Lulu)

KMo: Kelly Monaco (Sam)

KMc: Kimberly McCollough (Robin)

JT: Jason Thompson (Patrick)

TG: Tony Geary (Luke)

BH: Becky Herbst (Liz)

RH: Rick Hearst (Ric)

NLG: Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis)

TC: Tyler Christopher (Nikolas)

SBu: Steve Burton (Jason)

MB: Maurice Bernard (Sonny)

LW: Laura Wright (Carly)

NL: Natasha Livingston (Emily)

GF: Genie Francis (Laura)

JZ: Jackie Zeman (Bobbie)

KS: Kirsten Storms (Maxie)

SR: Sebastien Roche (Jerry Jacks)

BA: Bradford Anderson (Spinelli)

MW: Megan Ward (Kate)

JE: Jane Elliott (Tracy)

IR: Ingo Rademacher (Jax)

LL: Lisa LoCicero (Olivia)

NL: Natalia Livingstone (Emily/Rebecca)

NP: Nathan Parsons (Ethan)

Nicknames

Larry: What some call Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan, who, as a result of writing (and perhaps acting choices) comes off as rather dim (if so, sooooooooooo hot). Refusing to acknowledge that the son of Luke and Laura can be so dumb (yet so hot), they hypothesize that Helena and Faison never let the real Lucky go, instead sending out this simulacrum, possibly Spencer cousin Sly Eckert.

Borg/St. Jasus/Blinky: The stoic, blinking hitman with a heart of gold, friend of babies and old people everywhere, so good he can shoot "only people who deserve it" at twenty yards while shackled and handcuffed, the Christ-like (in Guza's twisted psyche) Jason Morgan.

The Shiny: Becky Herbst/Liz's hair is so pretty and shiny that, on bad days when we can't stand whatever stupid-ass storyline she's in, many of us just zone out and let The Shiny, Pretty Hair soothe us into docility. Unfortunately, MIA for far too long a year or so back, taken prisoner by The Taupe (see below), though it has returned in recent days, if somewhat dimmed.

The Taupe: The hideous scourge that overtook nearly every brunette woman on the show at one time or another, turning rich, dark, gorgeous hair into a monstrous, fried, sob-inducing mass of way-too-light highlights the shade of some insipid McMansion sample house. Whoever runs the hair department is apparently on crack, so thinks this (and bangs for everyone!) are totally awesome. Either that, or they got a deal on a whole warehouse of the stuff. Thankfully, the supply seems to have finally run out.

MyKill: "Sweet," hormone-deficient, Michael, who killed AJ until the PFMs figured out having a kid kill his parent wasn't such a great storyline. Even after it was retconned that someone else actually killed AJ (or "killed," if you're one of those who go "lalalalalalala" when the subject comes up and insists he's really alive and well with Stefan on an island somewhere), Dylan Cash's portrayal of the kid was really creepy, and we're all sure he'll wind up a sociopath. How such a thing could happen when he has such wonderful role models, such as his mob kingpin father, holy hitman Uncle Jason, and screeching harpy of a mother, I HAVE NO IDEA, but there it is. Now, after a year in a coma, he's back as a ragey teen and slightly less serial killery.

SonnyBucks: Sonny's coffee business, where everyone goes for lattes and "secret" meetings in Sonny's office in the back.

Moobster: Sonny. Unfortunately, we are occasionally "blessed" with love scenes in which Sonny takes off his shirt and shows us his stunning pair of man-boobs.


Yappy: Lulu, who, especially when she has bangs, resembles a neurotic Lhasa Apso.

The Baby Whisperer/The Woman Whisperer (
Schmanglang): Jason. St. Jasus just has a way with the babies and womenfolk. He understands them and makes them feel safe and comfortable and, of course, in love with him. It's natural really; women and babies are inferior by nature and thus respond to commanding virility. It's science.

ShrewLu: Lulu, who has morphed into a grating bitch who snots and snits at everyone due to the PFMs not knowing what to do with a popular younger character other than to turn her into what, in their minds, is the perfect female character: Carly. *shudder*

Teethan: Ethan, whose obvious dental work has resulted in teeth too big for his mouth and a definite lack of enunciation.

In-Jokes, Jargon, and Peculiar Expressions

The Coast of Bolivia: The quintessential proof of the writers' incompetence and lack of intelligence. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that some brilliant writers gave Bolivia a coastline off of which Alcazar's yacht was moored. Only problem is that Bolivia is a landlocked, mountainous country. Yes, it did, once, have a coastline that it lost to Chile in the War of the Pacific, but that was 1883, so there is not even partial credit: it was just a colossal fuck-up. Rivalled by Putting Emma in a Tree, because the obvious way to save your child from freezing to death in a snowy forest is to stick it in a tree.

The Gummi Bear Mafia: Since Sonny and Jason head the "good" mafia that doesn't deal in drugs and prostitution, and only kills people who "deserve it," the only activities we can come up with that keeps Jason in leather jackets and penthouses is smuggling in contraband gummi bears from Canada or something. That and gay porn. Because who doesn't like gummi bears and gay porn?

The Closet: Where interesting, well-loved characters (often veterans, but not always) with tons of story potential and talented actors who are Teh Oldz are locked in between the two minutes of screentime they are given every six months so as not to wander onto the set and take away precious minutes of Carly and Jason with such detestable things as "talent" and "history." Possibly has it's own ghetto where the token minorities, like Lainey, are kept most of the time. Also the location of Awesome Writer's holding pen (see below).

Awesome Writer ( Serial Drama): The one GH writer who actually seems to care about such silly things as plot, characterization, pacing, and continuity. He or she, sadly, is only let out of The Closet every few weeks.

The Barge: A cruise ship refuge for all of those who've grown sick and tired of this awful, awful show. A glamorous setting where all the men are shirtless, Laura isn't a wig on a stick, and the Mob is a thing to abhor, not celebrate. If you need a vacation, hop a launch and come aboard!

Flying Barware/Glassware: When people get angry on this show, glasses start flying.

Jazz Hands: One of Sonny's oh-so-charming ticks is a hand motion we like to refer to as "jazz hands."

Purple Leotard: There's really no explanation possible, is there?

Bullet of Love/Shot to the Head: True love. Sonny shot Carly in the head as she gave birth to his child, but this was, somehow, a sign of their codepend... I mean, love, not a signal that their relationship might not be all that healthy, or that a life in the mob might not be all that safe and secure an environment.

PodPeople: "
Pod people are when TIIC (The Idiots In Charge) bring back fabulous, well-loved characters from the past and render them unrecognizable. For example, Holly Sutton Scorpio turned up during the Monkey Virus storyline holding the antidote for ransom while dozens of people, among them her former stepdaughter, lay dying. Then she, Luke and Robert went off and had hijinks in the jungle, where, among other things, she played Luke against Robert and made a pass at Dillon." (Hatpin)

Reindeer Sweater: Back when Jason was Jason Quartermaine, Goody Two-Shoes Med Student, and not St. Jasus of the Borg, he was apt to wear some... interestingly dorky clothing. The reindeer sweater is the most infamous of these sartorial choices.

Teh Evul!/Teh Hotness!/Teh XYZ:
"It's a play on all the crazy fans (on other boards, obviously) who can't type properly. Sometimes !!11!! is tacked on at the end. We also use OMG TEH EVUL when someone is particularly bad (or we're supposed to see him/her as such)" (dubbel zout 5504).

Retcon: Retroactive Continuity. When a show goes back and rewrites history to accommodate present-day storylines. A successful example of this process is Nikolas being Laura's son by Stavros Cassadine; an unsuccessful example of this process (i.e., a complete mess/clusterfuck) would be Sam's ever-evolving backstory, from salvage operator to secret lovechild of Alexis Davis to con artist.

Jason's Box of "Secret" Pain: Where Jason keeps all of his painful memories and emotions. Physically, it's a glossy black box filled with pictures of Michael as a baby (when he was cute and before he became a serial-killer-in-training), Robin, and, now Jake kept on the top shelf of Jason's hall closet, next to the gun lockbox that is never actually locked. Metaphorically, it's all of Jason's blinky angst. The "secret" part comes from the fact that, while ostensibly locked away behind Jason's stoic demeanor, actually just about everyone knows about it.

The Glittery Hoo-Ha: Carly's magical vagina, that ensnares every man that comes in contact with her, making them believe that a selfish, shrieking harpy is actually the perfect woman. Lulu has, of late, developed a Junior Glittery Hoo-Ha that is irresistible to any younger man in PC, despite the fact that she, too, has become a selfish, shrieking harpy. Because these writers are so twisted, that's what they think makes a strong heroine: a bitch that all the men want to bone, despite the fact that her personality should repel any sane person in the vicinity.

The Golden Cock: The male equivalent of The Glittery Hoo-Ha, possessed by Jason of course, that turns any woman who takes a ride on it into a brainless mob apologist and pathetic shadow of her former self. The same evil powers are possessed by The Greasy Cock of Mr. Jazz Hands Corinthos.

Clitter: The magical, pheromone-saturated glitter that sloshes forth from Carly and Lulu's Hoo-Has to inexplicably entrance any male in the vicinity. Possibly made by Glittery Hoo-Ha flies (Glitterius hoohaes) who have colonized Carly and Lulu, whose blinking hypnotizes men into thinking their horrific hosts are actually wonderful.

"braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart": How the PFMs want us to see Carly, as an admirably brave and strong woman fiercely loyal to her friends and family, and not just a selfish, crazy-ass shrew with a voice modulation disorder. Originally taken from a eulogy delivered several years ago when Carly "died" (unfortunately, it didn't stick).

Word!: Expression of profound agreement with another poster's comments.

Hee! and Bwah!: Expressions of amusement at another poster's comment or something on the show.

The Goat Pictures: The hypothetical photographic evidence of ABCD president Frons' affair with a goat that Guza (head writer) and Jill Farrell Phelps (executive producer) use as blackmail to keep their jobs on this show, despite their complete lack of talent, blatant misogyny, lack of any sort of common decency, skewed morality, disdain for the genre and its fans, and utter ineptitude.

Crazy Bitch
(
TheLabRat): That mysterious language formed of tortured language and "Whaaaaaaaaa?" logic in which the bat-shit crazy think and communicate.

Hot But: Sam's hot tub of "but" sex. Originally a typo for "hot tub" (poor portiapm is still blushing!), it has since been embraced by the board as a term for Sam and her skanky pool of sex. Because we're all twelve years-old.

The Rock: No, not the strapping, eyebrow-raising wrestler/movie star, but the lucky styrofoam rock that got to do the one thing we all wish we could do: knock Carly out and shut her the hell up!

Monthday (
carolyng): The unit of time that allows Halloween and Thanksgiving to be both one day and one month apart from each other in that nexus of spacetime dysfunction we call Port Charles. We think it has something to do with the wormholes that apparently riddle Upper New York State, allowing not only PC's residents to get from one end of town to the other in five seconds flat, but also connecting PC to Montreal, the Hudson Valley, Manhattan, the Caribbean, Paris, Turkey, and the coast of Bolivia via a leisurely five minute plane ride or car trip, as well as existing in divergent yet simultaneous timelines irrespective of sense, logic, or the laws of physics. Apparently, the writers of this awful, awful show have minds that work in non-Euclidean geometries straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares. Ia Cthulhu F'htagn!

OMG, This Awful, Awful Show!: A common cry of pain heard when the insane wretchedness of this show gets to us and our brains just shut down. Also abbreviated as TAAS or TA,AS.

Stanvils (
Split Ends): The blindingly obvious signs and portents that telegraph important events, especially character deaths, before they actually happen. These tend to be things like sudden mentions of characters we haven't seen in a while (when they're about to come back and/or die) or having everyone in town say, "I'll kill you!" to some villain so that when said villain dies everyone's a suspect. Named in honor of Stan, the be-Hawaii-shirted, oft-recast, and thoroughly unimportant Token Black Man filling part of this show's minimal minority quota; also, beloved son of Epiphany, computer genius, and communist agitator for the mob. May he rest in peace. At least until they somehow resurrect him for some other asinine story.

Snarkoleptic/Snarkolepsy (
elizabethamsith): The state of utter exhaustion with this awful, awful show in which, as Schmangalang puts it, "It's not even fun to make fun of it anymore!" it's so boringly and consistently horrific. So you end up either a nap or only half-paying attention while watching it, and yet you still go on the board to rip it.

Wig on a Stick: Genie Francis played Laura Spencer as a vital, active woman, devoted to friends and family. But she got old and a little heavy and wanted the same sorts of perks and considerations as her male costars, and we can't have that can we, so they got rid of her and made Laura a catatonic vegetable portrayed by a bad blond wig on a stick. Though she's now recovered, they shipped her off to Paris because we still can have any of that.

Robin's Blog: A forbidding corner of the ABC Daytime website where all sorts of information we should be seeing on the screen is off-handedly given to us via blog post. While this is exasperating, what's really scary is the comments, where some people don't quite seem to understand the line between fantasy and reality.

Wimmins: A term encompassing the attitude this show displays towards the female sex and the characterization of the women: catty, spineless, whiny, bitchy, and ineffectual, in constant need of saving by big, strong men.

THE, [XXX], THE!: A Simpsons reference that has become a board tradition in which the first post of a page ends with an extortion for the death ("die" is "the" in German) of a character, story, or other show-related subject.

Mistairrage ( Split Ends): If you're a pregnant woman in Port Charles, you're guaranteed to have at least one fall down a flight of stairs. A bulging belly just makes everyone want to throw you down the steps.

This list is neither exhaustive nor comprehensive, but it should give you some idea just what the hell we're babbling on about. New terms crop up all the time, so this list should be updated occasionally. But if you see a term or acronym you don't understand, don't feel bad, just ask! We're really a very friendly bunch. We won't bite. (We may accidentally take a chunk of flesh while wailing and gnashing our teeth at the stupidity and horridity of this awful, awful show, but we'd never bite intentionally!)

Previous GH FAQs.

7 comments:

Scott said...

Did you know that the entire United States Marine Corps shuts down when GH is on tee vee?

Our television room was packed with Marines at lunchtime watching with rapt attention all the doings in Port Charles.

And if anyone tried to talk or cause a commotion during the show that was a sure route to an ass beating.

I understand that all these years later nothing has changed. Marines are still addicted to GH.

Frank said...

Oh those poor, brave, foolhardy men! Haven't they suffered enough without subjecting themselves to the kind of torture that would make Cheney blush?

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chuckwadowski said...

Bourgeois Nerd, can you include Ethan Devlin and Dante Falconeri's awesome nicknames someone came up with? Those being Sirhan Surgeon and Dominate/Domte.

Frank said...

Chuck, though I haven't been on the GH board much lately, I still intend to update soon. I'll try to remember to include those two things!

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