Friday, November 09, 2007

Updated FAQ/Glossary For Newbies On The TWoP General Hospital Board

Couples

Scrubs: Patrick and Robin.

Liaison/Jiz: Jason and Liz. Liaison is often used by those either fans of, or indifferent to, the couple, while Jiz is most often used by those who don't like the pairing.

Soily: Sonny and Emily. We like to forget that coupling ever happened (skeevy!), but it comes up from time to time.

Nem/Num: Nik and Emily.

Journey: Jason and She Who Must Not Be Named (see below).

Rexis: Ric and Alexis.

LnL2: Liz and Lucky. Believe it or not, those two crazy kids were once soulmates!

LuLo: Lulu and Logan.

Sason: Sonny and Jason. The love that dare not speak its name.

JaSam: Jason and Sam.

3M: Coop (who was introduced as "3" in the Metrocourt hostage crisis) and Maxie.

Skate: Sonny and Kate.

Sexis: Sonny and Alexis.

Jaxis: Jax and Alexis.

Acronyms

PFMs: Poo-Flinging Monkeys. The bunch of incompetent hacks who "write" this awful, awful show.

BSC!: Bat-Shit Crazy! Used often as a prefix, as in "BSC!Sam."

xxx!xxx: The exlamation point is often used as an intensifier when talking about the
most prominent trait of a character or storyline, since subtlety isn't GH's strong suit. Thus, crazy Sam is now BSC!Sam, a drugged out Lucky is Pills!Lucky, an ectoplasmic Alan is Ghost!Alan, etc.

RFS!: Robert Fucking Scorpio. The man, the myth, the legend, the criminally unused.

SWMNBN: She Who Must Not Be Named. The not-at-all-dearly-missed Courtney. Also known as CopKilla, Whoretney, and a host of other nicknames bestowed on her with love. The kind of love that's really the putrid bile of hate.

TIIC: The Idiots In Charge. Again, the "writers" who inflict all of this pain and torment upon us.

TFGH: Typical Fucking General Hospital, or Totally Fucking General Hospital, or That Fucking General Hospital, or... you get the picture.

ONS (or 3NS): One Night Stand, usually used in reference to the night of passion between Liz and Jason that led to Jake. Also known as the Three Night Stand because, as soap chronologies are wont to do, one GH night equaled three days of real time.

SORAS: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. The Soapworld pandemic whose major symptom is a strange localized distortion in the timestream that allows soap children to go away to camp or boarding school or even just their bedroom one age, and come back ten years older, usually either a hot teen stud or a gorgeous vixen.

NULOCH: No Upper Limit On Carly Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that shrieking shrew!

NULOLH: No Upper Limit on Lulu Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that obstinate little twit!

ABCD: ABC Daytime, the division of the network charged with overseeing the network's soap operas. Not doing a terribly fine job of it, considering the low-quality of said soaps in recent years.

GV: Greg Vaughan (Lucky)

JB: Julie Berman (Lulu)

KMo: Kelly Monaco (Sam)

KMc: Kimberly McCollough (Robin)

JT: Jason Thompson (Patrick)

TG: Tony Geary (Luke)

BH: Becky Herbst (Liz)

RH: Rick Hearst (Ric)

NLG: Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis)

TC: Tyler Christopher (Nikolas)

RC: Robin Christopher (Skye)

SBu: Steve Burton (Jason)

MB: Maurice Bernard (Sonny)

LW: Laura Wright (Carly)

NL: Natasha Livingston (Emily)

GF: Genie Francis (Laura)

JZ: Jackie Zeman (Bobbie)

JG: Jason Gerhardt (Cooper)

JD: Josh Duhon (Logan)

LL: Lindze Letherman (Georgie)

KS: Kirsten Storms (Maxie)

SR: Sebastien Roche (Jerry Jacks)

BA: Bradford Armstrong (Spinelli)

MW: Megan Ward (Kate)

JE: Jane Elliott (Tracy)

IR: Ingo Rademacher (Jax)

Nicknames

Larry: What some call Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan, who, as a result of writing (and perhaps acting choices) comes off as rather dim (if so, sooooooooooo hot). Refusing to acknowledge that the son of Luke and Laura can be so dumb (yet so hot), they hypothesize that Helena and Faison never let the real Lucky go, instead sending out this simulacrum.

Shouty McYellerson: Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan's predecessor. Apparently, he shouted a lot. (I don't know from personal experience, since I was on hiatus from the show at the time, but I trust my brave fellow forumites who were watching.)

Borg/St. Jasus/Blinky: The stoic, blinking hitman with a heart of gold, friend of babies and old people everywhere, so good he can shoot "only people who deserve it" at twenty yards while shackled and handcuffed, the Christ-like (in Guza's twisted psyche) Jason Morgan.

MahBaby: The neverending storyline of young Jake's true paternity.

Lying Liar Who Lies: Liz, who, well, has told, and continues to tell many, many lies. Can sometimes be applied to other characters as well, however.

Kate's Hair: Kate's haircut can bring about world peace, it's so wonderful!

The Shiny: Becky Herbst/Liz's hair is so pretty and shiny that, on bad days when we can't stand whatever stupid-ass storyline she's in, many of us just zone out and let The Shiny, Pretty Hair soothe us into docility.

Whoretney, CopKilla, etc.: (See SWMNBN above.)

Pipster: Epiphany.

MyKill: "Sweet," hormone-deficient Michael, who killed AJ until the PFMs figured out having a kid kill his parent wasn't such a great storyline. Even after it was retconned that someone else actually killed AJ (or "killed," if you're one of those who go "lalalalalalala" when the subject comes up and insists he's really alive and well with Stefan on an island somewhere), Dylan Cash's portrayal of the kid remains really creepy, and we're all sure he's a budding sociopath. How such a thing could happen when he has such wonderful role models, such as his mob kingpin father, holy hitman Uncle Jason, and screeching harpy of a mother, I HAVE NO IDEA, but there it is.

SonnyBucks: Sonny's coffee business, where everyone goes for lattes and "secret" meetings in Sonny's office in the back.

Moobster: Sonny. Unfortunately, we are occasionally "blessed" with love scenes in which Sonny takes off his shirt and shows us his stunning pair of man-boobs.

Fivehead/5Head: Amelia. The girl, especially when she first came on the show with a haircut that accentuated it, Annie
Wershing's rather prominent forehead (forehead, fivehead, get it?) was most everyone knew her by. Before her true total awesomeness was totally revealed (though I knew it almost from the start), this was a moniker of total derision, but after the horrors of Numelia/Fauxmelia (a disastrous temporary recast while AW shot a pilot), and the depths of her awesomeness were revealed, it is more a term of endearment than not, most of the time anyway. Sadly, though, Annie Wersching got herself a better gig on 24, so Amelia was written off with an off-hand comment by Sam that she had "just walked off the shoot" of her show. Not the most graceful exit, but better than the horror of Fauxmelia returning to the continue the role, and she'd sort of run her course as a character. Farewell to you, Amelia, and your crazy-ass rationality and totally crap revenge schemes!

The Baby Whisperer/The Woman Whisperer (TM Schmanglang): Jason. St. Jasus just has a way with the babies and womenfolk. He understands them and makes them feel safe and comfortable and, of course, in love with him. It's natural really; women and babies are inferior by nature and thus respond to commanding virility. It's science.

Zucchini/Summer Squash/Any Vegetable Moniker: Anthony Zacchara. When they first started saying his name, we really didn't catch what it was, but it sounded sort of like Zucchini, and that started us down the road of just calling him whatever random vegetable we felt like. Johnny Zacchara, his son, is known as Baby Carrots, Baby Squash, and so on, after his father.

ShrewLu: Lulu, who has morphed into a grating bitch who snots and snits at everyone due to the PFMs not knowing what to do with a popular younger character other than to turn her into what, in their minds, is the perfect female character: Carly. *shudder*

In-Jokes, Jargon, and Peculiar Expressions

The Coast of Bolivia: The quintessential proof of the writers' incompetence and lack of intelligence. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that some brilliant writers gave Bolivia a coastline off of which Alcazar's yacht was moored. Only problem is that Bolivia is a landlocked, mountainous country. Yes, it did, once, have a coastline that it lost to Chile in the War of the Pacific, but that was 1883, so there is not even partial credit: it was just a colossal fuck-up.

The Gummi Bear Mafia: Since Sonny and Jason head the "good" mafia that doesn't deal in drugs and prostitution, and only kills people who "deserve it," the only activities we can come up with that keeps Jason in leather jackets and penthouses is smuggling in contraband gummi bears from Canada or something. That and gay porn. Because who doesn't like gummi bears and gay porn?

The Closet: Where interesting, well-loved characters (often veterans, but not always) with tons of story potential are locked in between the two minutes of screentime they are given every six months so as not to wander onto the set and take away precious minutes of Carly and Jason with such detestable things as "talent" and "history."

Awesome Writer (TM Serial Drama): The one GH writer who actually seems to care about such silly things as plot, characterization, pacing, and continuity. He or she, sadly, is only let out of The Closet every few weeks. Sometimes also known as One Good Writer (OGW).

The Barge: A cruise ship refuge for all of those who've grown sick and tired of this awful, awful show. A glamorous setting where all the men are shirtless, Laura isn't a wig on a stick, and the Mob is a thing to abhor, not celebrate. If you need a vacation, hop a launch and come aboard!

Flying Barware/Glassware: When people get angry on this show, glasses start flying.

Jazz Hands: One of Sonny's oh-so-charming ticks is a hand motion we like to refer to as "jazz hands."

Purple Leotard: There's really no explanation needed, is there?

Snow Globe Queen: SWMNBN could apparently stare at a snow globe for hours. Also, she was easily distracted by shiny objects.

Bullet of Love/Shot to the Head: True love. Sonny shot Carly in the head as she gave birth to his child, but this was, somehow, a sign of their codepend... I mean, love, not a signal that their relationship might not be all that healthy, or that a life in the mob might not be all that safe and secure an environment.

PodPeople: "
Pod people are when TIIC (The Idiots In Charge) bring back fabulous, well-loved characters from the past and render them unrecognizable. For example, Holly Sutton Scorpio turned up during the Monkey Virus storyline holding the antidote for ransom while dozens of people, among them her former stepdaughter, lay dying. Then she, Luke and Robert went off and had hijinks in the jungle, where, among other things, she played Luke against Robert and made a pass at Dillon." (Hatpin 5502)

Reindeer Sweater: Back when Jason was Jason Quartermaine, Goody Two-Shoes Med Student, and not St. Jasus of the Borg, he was apt to wear some... interestingly dorky clothing. The reindeer sweater is the most infamous of these sartorial choices.

Teh Evul!/Teh Hotness!/Teh XYZ:
"It's a play on all the crazy fans (on other boards, obviously) who can't type properly. Sometimes !!11!! is tacked on at the end. We also use OMG TEH EVUL when someone is particularly bad (or we're supposed to see him/her as such)" (dubbel zout 5504).

Retcon: Retroactive Continuity. When a show goes back and rewrites history to accommodate present-day storylines. An example of this working would be Nikolas being Laura's son by Stavros Cassadine; an example of this not working (and being a complete mess) would be Sam's ever-evolving backstory, from salvage operator to secret lovechild of Alexis Davis to con artist.

Jason's Box of "Secret" Pain: Where Jason keeps all of his painful memories and emotions. Physically, it's a glossy black box filled with pictures of Michael as a baby (when he was cute and before he became a serial-killer-in-training), Robin, and, now Jake kept on the top shelf of Jason's hall closet, next to the gun lockbox that is never actually locked. Metaphorically, it's all of Jason's blinky angst. The "secret" part comes from the fact that, while ostensibly locked away behind Jason's stoic demeanor, actually just about everyone knows about it.

The Glittery Hoo-Ha: Carly's magical vagina, that ensnares every man that comes in contact with her, making them believe that a selfish, shrieking harpy is actually the perfect woman. Lulu has, of late, developed a Junior Glittery Hoo-Ha that is irresistible to any younger man in PC, despite the fact that she, too, has become a selfish, shrieking harpy. Because these writers are so twisted, that's what they think makes a strong heroine: a bitch that all the men want to bone, despite the fact that her personality should repel any sane person in the vicinity.

"braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart": How the PFMs want us to see Carly, as an admirably brave and strong woman fiercely loyal to her friends and family, and not just a selfish, crazy-ass shrew with a voice modulation disorder. Originally taken from a eulogy delivered several years ago when Carly "died" (unfortunately, it didn't stick).

Word!/Wordy McWordersons!: Expressions of profound agreement with another poster's comments.

Hee! and Bwah!: Expressions of amusement at another poster's comment or something on the show.

The Goat Pictures: The hypothetical photographic evidence of ABCD president Frons' affair with a goat that Guza (head writer) and Korte (executive producer) use as blackmail to keep their jobs on this show, despite their complete lack of talent, blatant misogyny, lack of any sort of common decency, skewed morality, disdain for the genre and its fans, and complete ineptitude.

Pirates in Em's Pants: When Emily and Nik were searching for an old Quartermaine treasure, there was a concurrent flashback storyline between a Quartermaine ancestress (who somehow looked just like Emily WHO IS ADOPTED) and a Cassadine pirate who looked just like Nik. You know, the usual suckiness.

Crazy Bitch (TM TheLabRat):
That mysterious language formed of tortured language and "Whaaaaaaaaa?" logic in which the bat-shit crazy think and communicate.

The WhoreLair (TM KGLen): Sam's apartment, where Maxie and Sam get together to wax philosophical on their bad girl tendencies and talk about their latest schemes. Also, their "hidden" base of operations when they go out on the mean streets of Port Charles to fight crime. Okay, not really so much with the last part, but you know you'd watch a show about that! Admit it!

The House of Rage and Folding Laundry: The Spencer household before Liz and Lucky's divorce. There was lots of rage flying and laundry being folded (an act Liz used to try to avoid unpleasant confrontations) before those two finally called it quits.

The House of Regret and and Folding Unpacked Clothes (TM CydW): Liz's post-divorce abode at Audrey's. Liz's penchant for folding strikes again, this time with regret and melancholy rather than rage.

The Barn of Sense and Hard Knocks: The barn at Wyndemere where Jason stashed various people, including Liz, Nadine, Spinelli, and Lulu, to keep them "safe" while he went to be Superman and take down the murderous Zacchara and end his reign of terror at the Black and White Ball. Though strangely devoid of animals, it was full of anti-stupid rays, as Liz and Nadine in particular were making a whole hell of a lot of sense while within its confines. And Spinelli knocked Lulu the hell out with a gun! Violence against women is, of course, not okay, but sometimes exceptions can be made.

Hot But: Sam's hot tub of "but" sex. Originally a typo for "hot tub" (poor portiapm is still blushing!), it has since been embraced by the board as a term for Sam and her skanky pool of sex. Because we're all twelve years-old.

Chucklesville: The imaginary alternate universe where Closet characters, identical twins of the sadly deceased, and dearly missed favorites are off doing their own, actually good, soap. Inhabitants include Hooper Barrett, the twin of Coop; Lucy, Kevin, and Sigmund; AJ; Lucas; and Real!Holly.

The Army of Hotness: My crazy-ass idea that Coop is actually the genetic wellspring of a whole army of super-soldiers secretly created by the government. They're tough, good under pressure, and insanely hot. It's a complete and utter delusion, but it's damn nice to picture.

The Rock: No, not the strapping, eyebrow-raising wrestler/movie star, but the lucky styrofoam rock that got to do the one thing we all wish we could do: knock Carly out and shut her the hell up!

Monthday (TM carolyng): The unit of time that allows Halloween and Thanksgiving to be both one day and one month apart from each other in that nexus of spacetime dysfunction we call Port Charles. We think it has something to do with the wormholes that apparently riddle Upper New York State, allowing not only PC's residents to get from one end of town to the other in five seconds flat, but also connecting PC to Montreal, the Hudson Valley, Manhattan, the Caribbean, Paris, Turkey, and the coast of Bolivia via a leisurely five minute plane ride or car trip, as well as existing in divergent yet simultaneous timelines irrespective of sense, logic, or the laws of physics. Apparently, the writers of this awful, awful show have minds that work in non-Euclidean geometries straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares.
Ia Cthulhu F'htagn!

OMG, This Awful, Awful Show!: A common cry of pain heard when the insane wretchedness of this show gets to us and our brains just shut down.

This list is neither exhaustive nor comprehensive, but it should give you some idea just what the hell we're babbling on about. New terms crop up all the time, so this list should be updated occasionally. But if you see a term or acronym you don't understand, don't feel bad, just ask! We're really a very friendly bunch. We won't bite. (We may accidentally take a chunk of flesh while wailing and gnashing our teeth at the stupidity and horridity of this awful, awful show, but we'd never bite intentionally!)

2 comments:

Chad said...

Actually, "One Life To Live" has gotten surprisingly good in recent months, since its last head writer got canned. Long-time characters are getting storylines that aren't comic relief, realistic romantic situations are being written in, and drama and suspense do not equal killing off legacy characters just for the hell of it or pushing "event" storylines. They're even going back to finish up a storyline the previous head writer forgot about!

I guess because "One Life To Live" is the historic underdog, it's dodged the eye of Brian Fons.

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