Admitting you have a problem (self-awareness) is, supposedly, the first step to fixing it. I pride myself on my self-awareness. Frankly, I think I'm too self-aware at times. Certainly, there seems to be something to be said for self-delusion and oblivousness; unaware hypocrites and non-reflective people sure seem to be having a hell of a better time than I do, at any rate. But self-awareness is only a first step in conventional wisdom. I seem to be unable to get past it.
For instance, my bibliomania and OCD wed within the bowels of my neuroses-ridden psyche to produce an obsession for "perfect" books. The merest flaw in spine, board, binding, or dustjacket is enough to send me into a tizzy. In the irrational seas of my subconscious, I feel that, unless each and every book is perfect, it will fall apart and all of its knowledge will be lost to future generations. My library is the bulwark against a new Dark Age following the inevitable Hollywood-type Mad Max apocolypse destroys modern civilization. Only the "fittest," most flawless books will survive to illuminate our descendants and bring them back to a civilized state. Alternately, in fifty years, one of my books will be worth lots of money, but I'll go to sell it and, because the spine has a dent or the dustjacket a wrinkle, they'll tell me it's worthless. And, no, I'm not making this stuff up; I really do believe it (or, I should say, a really nutty part of me does; the rest of me knows this is a crazy, narcissistic notion). I try to assuage my anxieties by purchasing multiple copies of books I deem particularly important. But, since all but a few books can meet my exacting standards, this leads to a cycle of spending and returning that I can ill-afford, considering my poverty-level income. I know that it's crazy and unnecessary, but I can't help it! If I don't "scratch the itch," my anxiety levels jump and I'm mentally tortured into revisiting old patterns. I'm aware of all this, but the awareness doesn't help me in any way. In fact, it only makes me feel worse, since I know I shouldn't be doing it and I'm spending money I don't have and torturing myself. Sometimes, I just feel like taking a torch to the entirety of my book collection and having done with it.
The book thing is only one of several similar conditions involving sex, relationships, social interaction, body image, and more that plague me and that I've touched on before on this blog (ad nauseum, perhaps). So I have all this self-awareness, all this intellectual appreciation of just how irrational and futile all these neuroses are, but I can't seem to hop over Hadrian's Wall to actually defeat the damn barbarians. What can I do?
4 comments:
Thanks Frank, for the honesty with which you write about these issues. I don't know how qualified I am to comment on them, but I would like to talk about my own experiences and that may give you an insight into different kinds of insecurities.
I have a persistent feeling that my life is elsewhere and what I am living right now is only a preparation for my days ahead. It's an ironical way to look at life, since it costs me my present for something which is, at best, nebulous. I also often look back at my childhood self for pointers on how to react in crises/stressful situations. Surprisingly, I have greater belief in my sense of self when I was a child than I do now. Events that might make me fall over the edge (and they are extremely minor ones) fail to do so if I react to them after considering my reaction as a child. I don't know how much of this makes sense, but it helps me seriously attain peace and normalcy for those seconds. It might even be an illusion of mine and my mature self should not be holding on to such neuroses, but as you said, awareness is not the guarantor for one's actions.
What I can suggest to you is that you try and relax everytime you wish to act on an impulse concering books or whatever. I know it's not easy, but seriously, OCDs need to remember that nothing changes anywhere as a result of their actions, whichever way they may tilt. This realization is important since it is often the notion of a perfectible world that drives OCDS' actions. You must learn to cultivate a happiness in being less impulsive and with practice, it will soon become your natural state. It's funny that as children, these states of mind are our natural reaction, but growing up and socialization pile up unnecessary neuroses on our selves until we forget what it was that was the true 'Us'.
Regarding self-awareness, I would suggest 'Let go!' I am highly self-aware too and it often hurts me to see others who are not delving within themselves take the lead. People who are self-aware need to remember that it seeps into their subconscious and so always helps them without their trying to actually work at it, in which latter case, it ends up becoming a social albatross around the neck.
Hope that helped. I would love to hear more from you. In any case, I am on these pages every other day for their high QM (quality-meter).
:)
Smash them all to bits! Free yourself from the tyranny of flawless books!
Frank, Hadrian's wall is only about 8 feet tall in most places and surmountable by a good strong ladder. Most neuroses are as un-daunting as Hadrian's wall, you just need to find a useful ladder.
Vikram: Thank you for all of the kind words. I actually feel better after writing the post. Perhaps the second step is PROCLAIMING your problem? If so, let's see how long I'm stuck on that step. *LOL*
Paul: As I said, it's tempting, but I've spent waaaaay too much money to just torch it all.
Scott: A ladder, eh? Off to Home Depot I go!
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