Oscar And Tony Are Domestic Partners, You Know

Every year it's the same thing: "I'm not going to watch the Oscars! It's so long and boring and I haven't even seen most of the films and I can't stand half of today's half-assed 'stars' anyway." And every year, around eight o'clock it's the same thing: "Okay, I guess I'll watch the Oscars..."

Surprised at George Clooney's win. I was sure Paul Giamatti would get it, just because the Academy always gives people the award in the wrong year.

If I were a woman, I would be incredibly jealous of Rachel Weisz; bitch looks better pregnant than any woman has a right to.

Jon Stewart, of whom I am a huge fan, did okay. Really, I just wanted him not to fail. Oscar hosts are never really funny; they're playing to too many different constituencies and have the Academy breathing down their necks. Still, there were enough chuckles to make it non-cringeworthy. (Speaking of cringeworthy, what about poor Lauren Bacall? She was not well, you could tell. They shouldn't have put her up there.)

The "shock" of the night was Crash's win for best picture. I put shock in quotation marks because I had a feeling Brokeback would loose to Crash. Though it's critically controversial, from what I've read, Crash is a sort of movie industry favorite. Brokeback was too hyped up; they probably just felt like fucking with us all and going for the "hometown favorite." Oh, well. I can't wait to see the consternation and irritation on the gay blogosphere later today... And I'm sure more than a few Oscar parties, whose guestlists are invariably gay-heavy (it is the Gay Superbowl, you know), were in an uproar.

I didn't watch the red carpet coverage, so I don't know for sure, but, by and large, the fashions on display were very nice. The only two howlers I saw were Charlize Theron's bow-the-size-of-her-head dress (And, BTW, what bug crawled up her pretty, pretty South African ass? She barely cracked a smile all night! Ya had an Oscar already, bitch, and you only got nominated this year because the competition pool was so poor, so smile, baby, and just have fun!) and Naomi Watts'... whatever the hell that is. As my sister said, it looked like a crafts maven hot glue gunned a bunch of rattan and shredded chiffon on her dress. Oh, and Nicole? STOP WITH THE BLONDE HAIR! It totally washes you out and makes your already enormous forehead look even bigger and more Botoxed than it already is! Go back to the red hair, girlfriend, immediately!

Otherwise, another insanely boring Oscar broadcast. Next year, I'm not watching it, though I know I totally will in the end.