Anxiety and Frustration

The two emotions that characterize me the most, I believe, are anxiety and frustration.

Anxiety

I worry. A lot. Worry, worry, worry, worry, worry! I worry about a lot of things, from the normal to the ridiculous. Like just about everyone, I worry about school, getting a good job, what I want to do with my life, my love life (or lack thereof), etc. But I also have very... unique anxieties, too. My biggest worry involves the apocalypse. I have a big interest in books, especially books on astronomy and cosmology (the study of the origin and future of the universe). I have amassed an extensive library on this subject. But there's a difference with my library: there's a great deal of duplication. I have at least two, and in some cases more, copies of many books. And I've taken great pains that every book be as in perfect a condition as possible. Any ding or crack or slightest marring in the binding of the book is enough to drive me to distraction. I've spent a lot of money (money I really don't have) to make this library as perfect and complete as possible. Why? Because I have this totally irrational and, unfortunately, persistent notion that my library will be all that future, post-apocalyptic generations will have to rebuild their knowledge of the universe. That's a lot of pressure. Crazy, I know, but I can't shake it.

Frustration

I'm not ashamed to admit that I am very sexually frustrated. I'm a young gay man. According to stereotype, I should be swinging off the rafters every night. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Lots of us gays are as sexually unfulfilled as the next person. I'm definitely unfulfilled. I've had about seven or eight sexual encounters in my life (though none for over a year). Not one of these encounters has been in the least bit fulfilling. I have yet to orgasm with another man. As you can imagine, I'm not terribly happy about this. But I realize that I'm mostly to blame. I'm lucky enough to live only about thirty minutes from Philadelphia and a fairly large gay community. I'm afraid to drive into the city, however, and visit the clubs. I don't like highways. I'm afraid of getting in an accident or, in the city, getting lost and killed. And the Internet, where so many people seem to find so many sexual partners, has been nothing but a huge bust for me. I don't have money to subscribe to full membership in most sites and the ones I do belong to just haven't worked out. So I might as well be a monk. *sigh*