Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Question

Am I the only blogger/blog read who doesn't use an RSS? And not only doesn't use one, and does not wish to use one, but really has little idea how I would even go about using one? Is this another symptom of incipient Old Curmudgeon Anti-Technology Syndrome, along with an abhorrence of IMing, negative interest in texting, and little facility with Facebook beyond checking up on random high school classmates?

Skimpy Sunday















(Via Bill in Exile [NSFW]; The Sword [NSFW])

Friday, November 28, 2008

TWoP General Hospital Forum FAQ (Fall 2008)

Couples

Scrubs: Patrick and Robin.

Liason/Jiz: Jason and Liz. Liaison is often used by those either fans of, or indifferent to, the couple, while Jiz is most often used by those who don't like the pairing.

Soily: Sonny and Emily. We like to forget that coupling ever happened (skeevy!), but it comes up from time to time.

LnL2: Liz and Lucky.

Sason: Sonny and Jason. The love that dare not speak its name.

JaSam: Jason and Sam.


LuSam: Lucky and Sam.


Nikadine: Nikolas and Nadine

Acronyms

PFMs: Poo-Flinging Monkeys. The bunch of incompetent hacks who "write" this awful, awful show.

BSC!: Bat-Shit Crazy! Used often as a prefix, as in "BSC!Sam."

xxx!xxx: The exlamation point is often used as an intensifier when talking about the
most prominent trait of a character or storyline, since subtlety isn't GH's strong suit. Thus, crazy Sam is now BSC!Sam, a drugged out Lucky is Pills!Lucky, an ectoplasmic Alan is Ghost!Alan, etc.

SWMNBN: She Who Must Not Be Named. The not-at-all-dearly-missed Courtney. Also known as CopKilla, Whoretney, and a host of other nicknames bestowed on her with love. The kind of love that's really the putrid bile of hate.

TIIC: The Idiots In Charge. Again, the "writers" who inflict all of this pain and torment upon us.

TFGH: Typical Fucking General Hospital, or Totally Fucking General Hospital, or That Fucking General Hospital, or... you get the picture.

SORAS: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. The Soapworld pandemic whose major symptom is a strange localized distortion in the timestream that allows soap children to go away to camp or boarding school or even just their bedroom one age, and come back ten years older, usually either a hot teen stud or a gorgeous vixen.

NULOCH: No Upper Limit On Carly Hate. Because sometimes there are no words to express the depths of hatred one has for that shrieking shrew!

ABCD: ABC Daytime, the division of the network charged with overseeing the network's soap operas. Not doing a terribly fine job of it, considering the low-quality of said soaps in recent years.

BB: Brandon Barash (Johnny)

SBr: Sarah Brown (Claudia/Carly v. 1.0)

GV: Greg Vaughan (Lucky)

JB: Julie Berman (Lulu)

KMo: Kelly Monaco (Sam)

KMc: Kimberly McCollough (Robin)

JT: Jason Thompson (Patrick)

TG: Tony Geary (Luke)

BH: Becky Herbst (Liz)

RH: Rick Hearst (Ric)

NLG: Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis)

TC: Tyler Christopher (Nikolas)

SBu: Steve Burton (Jason)

MB: Maurice Bernard (Sonny)

LW: Laura Wright (Carly)

NL: Natasha Livingston (Emily)

GF: Genie Francis (Laura)

JZ: Jackie Zeman (Bobbie)

KS: Kirsten Storms (Maxie)

SR: Sebastien Roche (Jerry Jacks)

BA: Bradford Anderson (Spinelli)

MW: Megan Ward (Kate)

JE: Jane Elliott (Tracy)

IR: Ingo Rademacher (Jax)

LL: Lisa LoCicero (Olivia)

CC: Claire Coffee (Nadine)

Nicknames

Larry: What some call Lucky as portrayed by Greg Vaughan, who, as a result of writing (and perhaps acting choices) comes off as rather dim (if so, sooooooooooo hot). Refusing to acknowledge that the son of Luke and Laura can be so dumb (yet so hot), they hypothesize that Helena and Faison never let the real Lucky go, instead sending out this simulacrum, possibly Spencer cousin Sly Eckert.

Borg/St. Jasus/Blinky: The stoic, blinking hitman with a heart of gold, friend of babies and old people everywhere, so good he can shoot "only people who deserve it" at twenty yards while shackled and handcuffed, the Christ-like (in Guza's twisted psyche) Jason Morgan.

The Shiny: Becky Herbst/Liz's hair is so pretty and shiny that, on bad days when we can't stand whatever stupid-ass storyline she's in, many of us just zone out and let The Shiny, Pretty Hair soothe us into docility. Unfortunately, MIA for far too long, taken prisoner by The Taupe (see below), though it has returned in recent days, if somewhat dimmed.

The Taupe: The hideous scourge that has overtaken nearly every brunette woman on the show at one time or another, turning rich, dark, gorgeous hair into a monstrous, fried, sob-inducing mass of way-too-light highlights the shade of some insipid McMansion sample house. Whoever runs the hair department is apparently on crack, so thinks this (and bangs for everyone!) are totally awesome. Either that, or they got a deal on a whole warehouse of the stuff. Thankfully, the supply seems to have run low.

MyKill: "Sweet," hormone-deficient, Michael, who killed AJ until the PFMs figured out having a kid kill his parent wasn't such a great storyline. Even after it was retconned that someone else actually killed AJ (or "killed," if you're one of those who go "lalalalalalala" when the subject comes up and insists he's really alive and well with Stefan on an island somewhere), Dylan Cash's portrayal of the kid was really creepy, and we're all sure he'll wake up a sociopath. How such a thing could happen when he has such wonderful role models, such as his mob kingpin father, holy hitman Uncle Jason, and screeching harpy of a mother, I HAVE NO IDEA, but there it is. Thankfully, he's now in a coma, and will hopefully wake up in a year or two older, hunkier, and less serial-killer-like.

SonnyBucks: Sonny's coffee business, where everyone goes for lattes and "secret" meetings in Sonny's office in the back. After Sonny's "retirement" from the mob, which lasted all of ten minutes, it became Jason's, but the name remains.

Moobster: Sonny. Unfortunately, we are occasionally "blessed" with love scenes in which Sonny takes off his shirt and shows us his stunning pair of man-boobs.


Yappy: Lulu, who, especially when she has bangs, resembles a neurotic Lhasa Apso.

The Baby Whisperer/The Woman Whisperer (TM Schmanglang): Jason. St. Jasus just has a way with the babies and womenfolk. He understands them and makes them feel safe and comfortable and, of course, in love with him. It's natural really; women and babies are inferior by nature and thus respond to commanding virility. It's science.

ShrewLu: Lulu, who has morphed into a grating bitch who snots and snits at everyone due to the PFMs not knowing what to do with a popular younger character other than to turn her into what, in their minds, is the perfect female character: Carly. *shudder*

Tumily: The hallucinatory Emily caused by Nik's brain tumor (which, strangely enough, was apparently actually on his neck, if the post-surgery bandaging was anything to go by). Strangely elated for a dead woman, as well as possessing just about the only head of hair on the show that at the time had not been attacked by The Taupe. Just as annoying and boring as the real, dead Emily. Thoughts of what Nik was actually doing when he kissed and cuddled and made love to this imaginary woman are enough to send one either into titters or spasms of disgust.

In-Jokes, Jargon, and Peculiar Expressions

The Coast of Bolivia: The quintessential proof of the writers' incompetence and lack of intelligence. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that some brilliant writers gave Bolivia a coastline off of which Alcazar's yacht was moored. Only problem is that Bolivia is a landlocked, mountainous country. Yes, it did, once, have a coastline that it lost to Chile in the War of the Pacific, but that was 1883, so there is not even partial credit: it was just a colossal fuck-up.

The Gummi Bear Mafia: Since Sonny and Jason head the "good" mafia that doesn't deal in drugs and prostitution, and only kills people who "deserve it," the only activities we can come up with that keeps Jason in leather jackets and penthouses is smuggling in contraband gummi bears from Canada or something. That and gay porn. Because who doesn't like gummi bears and gay porn?

The Closet: Where interesting, well-loved characters (often veterans, but not always) with tons of story potential are locked in between the two minutes of screentime they are given every six months so as not to wander onto the set and take away precious minutes of Carly and Jason with such detestable things as "talent" and "history." Possibly has it's own ghetto where the token minorities, like Lainey, are kept most of the time.

Awesome Writer (TM Serial Drama): The one GH writer who actually seems to care about such silly things as plot, characterization, pacing, and continuity. He or she, sadly, is only let out of The Closet every few weeks.

The Barge: A cruise ship refuge for all of those who've grown sick and tired of this awful, awful show. A glamorous setting where all the men are shirtless, Laura isn't a wig on a stick, and the Mob is a thing to abhor, not celebrate. If you need a vacation, hop a launch and come aboard!

Flying Barware/Glassware: When people get angry on this show, glasses start flying.

Jazz Hands: One of Sonny's oh-so-charming ticks is a hand motion we like to refer to as "jazz hands."

Purple Leotard: There's really no explanation needed, is there?

Bullet of Love/Shot to the Head: True love. Sonny shot Carly in the head as she gave birth to his child, but this was, somehow, a sign of their codepend... I mean, love, not a signal that their relationship might not be all that healthy, or that a life in the mob might not be all that safe and secure an environment.

PodPeople: "
Pod people are when TIIC (The Idiots In Charge) bring back fabulous, well-loved characters from the past and render them unrecognizable. For example, Holly Sutton Scorpio turned up during the Monkey Virus storyline holding the antidote for ransom while dozens of people, among them her former stepdaughter, lay dying. Then she, Luke and Robert went off and had hijinks in the jungle, where, among other things, she played Luke against Robert and made a pass at Dillon." (Hatpin 5502)

Reindeer Sweater: Back when Jason was Jason Quartermaine, Goody Two-Shoes Med Student, and not St. Jasus of the Borg, he was apt to wear some... interestingly dorky clothing. The reindeer sweater is the most infamous of these sartorial choices.

Teh Evul!/Teh Hotness!/Teh XYZ:
"It's a play on all the crazy fans (on other boards, obviously) who can't type properly. Sometimes !!11!! is tacked on at the end. We also use OMG TEH EVUL when someone is particularly bad (or we're supposed to see him/her as such)" (dubbel zout 5504).

Retcon: Retroactive Continuity. When a show goes back and rewrites history to accommodate present-day storylines. A successful example of this process is Nikolas being Laura's son by Stavros Cassadine; an unsuccessful example of this process (i.e., a complete mess/clusterfuck) would be Sam's ever-evolving backstory, from salvage operator to secret lovechild of Alexis Davis to con artist.

Jason's Box of "Secret" Pain: Where Jason keeps all of his painful memories and emotions. Physically, it's a glossy black box filled with pictures of Michael as a baby (when he was cute and before he became a serial-killer-in-training), Robin, and, now Jake kept on the top shelf of Jason's hall closet, next to the gun lockbox that is never actually locked. Metaphorically, it's all of Jason's blinky angst. The "secret" part comes from the fact that, while ostensibly locked away behind Jason's stoic demeanor, actually just about everyone knows about it.

The Glittery Hoo-Ha: Carly's magical vagina, that ensnares every man that comes in contact with her, making them believe that a selfish, shrieking harpy is actually the perfect woman. Lulu has, of late, developed a Junior Glittery Hoo-Ha that is irresistible to any younger man in PC, despite the fact that she, too, has become a selfish, shrieking harpy. Because these writers are so twisted, that's what they think makes a strong heroine: a bitch that all the men want to bone, despite the fact that her personality should repel any sane person in the vicinity.

The Golden Cock: The male equivalent of The Glittery Hoo-Ha, possessed by Jason of course, that turns any woman who takes a ride on it into a brainless mob apologist and pathetic shadow of her former self. The same evil powers are possessed by The Greasy Cock of Mr. Jazz Hands Corinthos.

Clitter: The magical, pheromone-saturated glitter that sloshes forth from Carly and Lulu's Hoo-Has to inexplicably entrance any male in the vicinity. Possibly made by Glittery Hoo-Ha flies (Glitterius hoohaes) who have colonized Carly and Lulu, whose blinking hypnotizes men into thinking their horrific hosts are actually wonderful.

"braveandstrongandloveswithherwholeheart": How the PFMs want us to see Carly, as an admirably brave and strong woman fiercely loyal to her friends and family, and not just a selfish, crazy-ass shrew with a voice modulation disorder. Originally taken from a eulogy delivered several years ago when Carly "died" (unfortunately, it didn't stick).

Word!: Expression of profound agreement with another poster's comments.

Hee! and Bwah!: Expressions of amusement at another poster's comment or something on the show.

The Goat Pictures: The hypothetical photographic evidence of ABCD president Frons' affair with a goat that Guza (head writer) and Jill Farrell Phelps (executive producer) use as blackmail to keep their jobs on this show, despite their complete lack of talent, blatant misogyny, lack of any sort of common decency, skewed morality, disdain for the genre and its fans, and utter ineptitude.

Pirates in Em's Pants: When Emily and Nik were searching for an old Quartermaine treasure, there was a concurrent flashback storyline between a Quartermaine ancestress (who somehow looked just like Emily WHO IS ADOPTED) and a Cassadine pirate who looked just like Nik. You know, the usual suckiness.

Crazy Bitch (TM TheLabRat):
That mysterious language formed of tortured language and "Whaaaaaaaaa?" logic in which the bat-shit crazy think and communicate.

The House of Rage and Folding Laundry: The Spencer household before Liz and Lucky's divorce. There was lots of rage flying and laundry being folded (an act Liz used to try to avoid unpleasant confrontations) before those two finally called it quits.

Hot But: Sam's hot tub of "but" sex. Originally a typo for "hot tub" (poor portiapm is still blushing!), it has since been embraced by the board as a term for Sam and her skanky pool of sex. Because we're all twelve years-old.

The Rock: No, not the strapping, eyebrow-raising wrestler/movie star, but the lucky styrofoam rock that got to do the one thing we all wish we could do: knock Carly out and shut her the hell up!

Monthday (TM carolyng): The unit of time that allows Halloween and Thanksgiving to be both one day and one month apart from each other in that nexus of spacetime dysfunction we call Port Charles. We think it has something to do with the wormholes that apparently riddle Upper New York State, allowing not only PC's residents to get from one end of town to the other in five seconds flat, but also connecting PC to Montreal, the Hudson Valley, Manhattan, the Caribbean, Paris, Turkey, and the coast of Bolivia via a leisurely five minute plane ride or car trip, as well as existing in divergent yet simultaneous timelines irrespective of sense, logic, or the laws of physics. Apparently, the writers of this awful, awful show have minds that work in non-Euclidean geometries straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares.
Ia Cthulhu F'htagn!

OMG, This Awful, Awful Show!: A common cry of pain heard when the insane wretchedness of this show gets to us and our brains just shut down. Also abbreviated as TAAS or TA,AS.

Stanvils (TM Split Ends): The blindingly obvious signs and portents that telegraph important events, especially character deaths, before they actually happen. These tend to be things like sudden mentions of characters we haven't seen in a while (when they're about to come back and/or die) or having everyone in town say, "I'll kill you!" to some villain so that when said villain dies everyone's a suspect. Named in honor of Stan, the be-Hawaii-shirted, oft-recast, and thoroughly unimportant Token Black Man filling part of this show's minimal minority quota; also, beloved son of Epiphany, computer genius, and communist agitator for the mob. May he rest in peace. At least until they somehow resurrect him for some other asinine story.

Snarkoleptic/Snarkolepsy (TM elizabethamsith): The state of utter exhaustion with this awful, awful show in which, a
s Schmangalang puts it, "It's not even fun to make fun of it anymore!" it's so boringly and consistently horrific. So you end up either a nap or only half-paying attention while watching it, and yet you still go on the board to rip it.

Wig on a Stick: Genie Francis played Laura Spencer as a vital, active woman, devoted to friends and family. But she got old and a little heavy and wanted the same sorts of perks and considerations as her male costars, and we can't have that can we, so they got rid of her and made Laura a catatonic vegetable portrayed by a bad blond wig on a stick. Though she's now recovered, they shipped her off to Paris because we still can have any of that.

Robin's Blog: A forbidding corner of the ABC Daytime website where all sorts of information we should be seeing on the screen is off-handedly given to us via blog post. While this is exasperating, what's really scary is the comments, where some people don't quite seem to understand the line between fantasy and reality.

Wimmins: A term encompassing the attitude this show displays towards the female sex and the characterization of the women: catty, spineless, whiny, bitchy, and ineffectual, in constant need of saving by big, strong men.

THE, [XXX], THE!: A Simpsons reference that has become a board tradition in which the first post of a page ends with an extortion for the death ("die" is "the" in German) of a character, story, or other show-related subject.

This list is neither exhaustive nor comprehensive, but it should give you some idea just what the hell we're babbling on about. New terms crop up all the time, so this list should be updated occasionally. But if you see a term or acronym you don't understand, don't feel bad, just ask! We're really a very friendly bunch. We won't bite. (We may accidentally take a chunk of flesh while wailing and gnashing our teeth at the stupidity and horridity of this awful, awful show, but we'd never bite intentionally!)

A to Z

E is for Etymology.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Gift Ideas For The Star Wars Nerd In Your Life

A New Hope

FAIL

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Turkey Trivia

When one thinks of turkeys, one generally thinks of something like this:



However, the turkeys most of us eat are actually Broad Breasted Whites, whose pale coloration makes the pin feathers (those bumps you see on the carcass, I think) less visible and who have been bred for maximum breast-meat production. This is the kind of turkey you always see the President pardoning. Fun fact: the aforementioned maximized breast-meat production means the Broad Breasted White, as well as other commercial breeds, can't naturally reproduce. Therefore, in vitro fertilization and artifical insemination is often used. Think about that for a second. My first thought? "It's someone's job to jerk off a turkey." My second? "I wonder if they use a turkey baster. Heh."

Anyway, have fun tearing into the carcass of a brutally slaughtered genetic freak of a fowl! It's The American Way
!

Turkey Day!


FAIL!

"Why won't these polar bears mate?!? We need more fluffy little white balls of cuteness to perpetuate the species and attract zoo visitors! What is wrong with these bears? Oh."

(Via Wonkette)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sisyphus Of The Water Closet

A searing portrait of the futility of existence in a cruel, cold, pointless world.

(Via Towleroad)

Civics Exam

Pack your bags, y'all, we're going back to high school civics to take a quiz! Can you do better than our glorious leaders?

30 out of 33 was my score. I disagree with some of the economics questions, though, insofar as I think they add an ideological tilt that is unnecessary. As our current situation shows, even finance "wizards" don't always know what they're doing/talking about, so how should the average American citizen? It isn't even that I don't agree with the ideological to an extent, but for the purposes of a quiz whose stated purpose is to measure civics knowledge, I feel it is presenting economic dogmas, even ones I think are generally correct, as facts in the same way the contents of the First Amendment, or the three branches of government, are.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Monday, November 17, 2008

Ad FAIL

You know, Circuit City, the electronics retailer that recently went bankrupt? Now, for the first time I can remember, Circuit City ads are literally jumping out at me all over the place online. A little late, don't you think?

Reaction To Publically-Chosen New Dictionary Entry?

Meh.

(Via Maud Newton)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A Suggestion For Barack Obama

After shopping in a bookstore yesterday where a gaggle of mostly adolescent girls gathered to shriek at a preview of the new Twilight movie, I would suggest to Barack Obama that if he wants to defeat al-Qaeda and the Taliban, he should get a few thousand of these young women, tell them that Osama bin Laden thinks Edward is totes not hot, and set them loose in Afghanistan. The mad hordes would descend upon the caves of Tora Bora and stain the Hindu Kush red with the blood of "infidels," their high-pitched screams echoing throughout Central Asia and sending anyone with even a hint of sympathy to Islamic terrorism cowering under their beds in fear.

Bad Gay

Did anyone go to the equality protests yesterday? I didn't. I honestly never even thought of it. I just didn't. I'm not a marching, protesting sort. But looking at pictures at various sites and reading posts about it, I feel guilty and sad that I didn't. On a selfish level, it was a Moment in history that I missed out on it. On a larger, more important level, it was a chance to add my voice to the chorus demanding equality, making it just that much louder and impossible not to hear. It was a chance to show my support for my fellow brethren, sistren, and transren, of all genders and orientations. It was a chance to join with my people to show our opponents that we deserve and demand our innate rights as human beings. I didn't take the chance. I feel such a Bad Gay.

Skimpy Sunday









(Via Fleshbot [NSFW]; Roids and Rants [NSFW])

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Word Of The Year?!?!?!

Far be it from me to question the Oxford University Press, but... "hypermiling" Word of the Year? REALLY? For real real? Ummm... yeah.

(Via Books, Inq.)

Monday, November 10, 2008

Cthulu Overload!

New octopus species = adorable! Move over non-Euclidean geometry and cyclopean architecture, and hello mind-rending cuteness!

Ravish Me, You Beast!

The Penguin cover to Lady Chatterley's Lover. My, my, my! Makes you want to go out and get a gamekeeper of one's very own.

(Via Bookslut)

There Ain't Nothing Like A Dame

Your result for The Classic Dames Test...

Myrna Loy


You are class itself, the calm, confident "perfect woman." Men turn and look at you admiringly as you walk down the street, and even your rivals have a grudging respect for you. You always know the right thing to say, do and, of course, wear. You can take charge of a situation when things get out of hand, and you're a great help to your partner even if they don't immediately see or know it. You are one classy dame. Your screen partners include William Powell and Cary Grant, you little simmerpot, you.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.


Take The Classic Dames Test at HelloQuizzy


(Via kinesthesis breakthrough)

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Babe-raham Lincoln

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposedto come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

(Via Comedy Central Jokes)

SiteMeter Horrors

Still getting lots of hits for "Glade Lady" and now for "gingerbread Glade Lady" and strings like that. Much, much more disturbing? Getting hits from "midget bestiality," including one from Harvard of all places. I don't even want to know.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Free At Last!

BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Election Coverage

Best election coverage today? Cute Overload, of course! The Vote Stoats are the best political reporters in the biz.

Election Day Stress-Relief

Cute animals eating birthday cake.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Vote!

It looks like Obama is going to win, and this would make me happy, but you just never know! The Republicans are evil! People are stupid! We need, therefore, to get out and vote and end this eight year nightmare! I can't stop using exclamation points!

Seriously, get out and vote tomorrow, and then drag as many people as you can to vote, too. (And if they're Republicans or plan to vote for McCain, blackmail or annoy them until they change their vote. If they refuse, well, they can still vote, but let them know you are Not Amused.) If McCain wins, which means after he has a stroke in about six months Sarah Palin's in charge and just itchin' to bring on Armageddon, I seriously think I'll have an aneurysm. Do it for me, folks!

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Extraterrestrial Gems

Opal is the birthstone for the month of October (and thus the birthstone of yours truly). Most comes from Australia. Someday, it could also come from Mars.